“We came here to *fart noise* and kick ass and we’re all out of *record scratch*.”

Adam Sandler, Kevin James, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Chris Rock and the rest of the Happy Madison cronies are back for the sequel to my 2010 pick for the Worst Movie of the Year and, with the glaring exception of That’s My Boy, possibly the worst movie Sandler has ever made, Grown Ups. The trailer for Grown Ups 2 hit the web yesterday, and if you’re wondering how low the brow is for this alleged comedy, it takes roughly :53 for a deer to show up and piss on Sandler’s face.

For some reason – I’m assuming public torture – Lenny Feder and his crew have moved back to their hometown, and as they’re reminiscing about the good old days, they find themselves tormented by “Frat Boy Andy” (Taylor Lautner) and his bro (and eventual gay lover, if my Happy Madison research is correct) “Frat Boy Milo” (Milo Ventimiglia). If they don’t make at least one “farternity” joke, I will probably have a shock-induced stroke.

Read the rest of this entry »

In a recent interview with Hitfix, Taylor Lautner called the werewolf-on-infant love affair in Twilight Breaking Dawn a “touchy subject,” and if I could rig this headline to make a slide-whistle sound when you clicked it, I totally would. You may recall that the plot of Breaking Dawn involves Jacob the Shirtless Werewolf (wolves have higher body temperatures, you see) falling in love with Bella and Edward’s telepathic, half-vampire fetus, Renesmee, a process called “imprinting.” A dirty ethnic wolf that wants nothing more than to bang your sparkling white baby before it’s even born might be considered problematic by some, but who better to ask for clarification than Taylor Lautner, a guy with all the charisma of an old shoe? Tell us, how did you deal with this idiotic premise, shoe?

“I was nervous about that one, because imprinting is a very complicated and touchy thing. Ummm, so. It helped, because we had Stephenie Meyer, who created this whole imprinting thing on set with us the whole time. Trust me, I picked her brain quiiite a bit about it, and that made me feel a lot more comfortable.”

If Taylor Lautner is ever comfortable I’d hate to see what uncomfortable looks like. This guy acts like a robot that’s been raised by gay publicists.

“Stephenie told me, stop trying to complicate it, to just keep it simple, to think of it as a lifelong bond between two human beings, and to not think about where it’s going and what’s going to happen, because right now, at this stage, he’s really more of a protector, he protects Renesmee.”

I’ve never seen a Twilight movie in theaters before, but I’m thinking of busting my cherry on this one. It looks potentially like the funniest movie of the year. I mean just look at this:

RUN, BELLA! YOU’VE ANGERED THE COUNCIL OF MALL GOTHS!

Pretty much every frame I’ve seen so far has been unintentional humor of the highest level. I imagine the rest of the film is just the characters exchanging “who farted” looks.

Read the rest of this entry »

After some kind of extended, viral marketing Easter Egg hunt that had fans trying to piece it together like a jigsaw puzzle, the final poster for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 – ostensibly the final Twilight movie – is finally online. Once again, I can’t hide my fascination with this phenomenon. Is that a vampire wearing… equestrian pants and a… double-breasted peacoat? Who knew vampires had the same stylist as the Jonas Brothers? You know how people are fascinated by steam punk and sci-fi stuff from the Eisenhower era, because it’s like this vision of the future as envisioned by people from the past? Twilight is kind of like that – an edgy, goth fairytale as envisioned by the blandest Mormon housewife in Blandsville, Mormon town, where everything is sparkling white, especially the bread. “And her name was ‘Beautiful Swan,’ and she always wore the hippest boots, like a modern-day Shania Twain, and everyone loved her, even the most dangerous vaguely-ethnic type in a tawdry v-neck…  “

HALP, BALLA! TEH OTHER VAMPAHRS DON’T LAIK TEH BEBBE RENAZMEH! OTHER VAMPAHRS JALLUS. YEW GO GED LLAMA AND RUN THREW SNOW. BUT PUD ON YER COAT, TEH SNOW GIVE COLDZ.

Also, have you noticed that their faces are practically identical? The wolves are easier to tell apart. Here, I made a composite image:

IT’S THE SAME FACE WITH DIFFERENT HAIR! HOW DID THEY EVEN DO THAT?! In conclusion, this movie is going to be awesome because this:

Read the rest of this entry »

That poor guy on the right is the Mormonest-looking dude the trench coat mafia ever recruited

As I’m sure you’re aware by now, finding a new batch of Twilight publicity stills in my email inbox is as close to Christmas morning as it gets around here. Summit just sent over about eight new stills from The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 (including one of author Stephenie Meyer!), which opens November 16th, and I did my best to add context to them like always, but keep in mind, I’ve only seen bits and pieces of a couple of the Twilight movies on cable. NOTE: I’m NEVER GOING TO STOP MAKING PETER FACINELLI/MIKE DEXTER JOKES, DO YOU HEAR ME? NEVER!

Read the rest of this entry »

Right, because it’s the placement of the tattoo that’s gay. Also, I wouldn’t call this “gay.” All the gay guys I know have much better taste than this. [Lamebook]

MORNING LINKS
Prisoner loses butt drugs during drunken Silence of the Lambs dance |Film Drunk|

Latest Frotcast: Come for the Matthew Parker interview, stay for the beatboxing. |Frotcast|

This seemed relevant. [via Fck Yeah Dementia]

The Best Of Paul Scheer’s UPROXX Live Discussion |UPROXX|

20 Awesome Pairs Of Geeky Hand-Painted Sneakers |Gamma Squad|

The Greatest Picture Of Rex Ryan Or Possibly Anything Ever |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

The kid who stole Fieri’s Lambo’s buddies tried to break him out of prison. This kid is the world’s greatest super-villain. |WarmingGlow|

It’s Gwen Stefani’s Butt In A Bikini |The Superficial|

Meet Janna Little Ryan, Who Wants To Be America’s Second Lady |Buzzfeed|

Louis C.K. And Television As Conflict Management |Videogum|

The Amphibious DeLorean is not a myth |Daily What|

5 Fictional Countries Where the U.S. Army is Trained to Fight |Mental Floss|

Call Me Maybe (on Chatroulette) |Holy Taco|

If the Internet Wrote Your Summer Reading |College Humor|

The twenty greatest movie chases of all time |Fark|

Xue Chen is hot |IDLYITW|

Jennifer Lawrence Is Already Lobbying For A Golden Globe…Hard |Pajiba|

Another sweet tattoo |Epic WTFs|

6 future theoretical technologies we want now |Death + Taxes|

How White People Listen To Indian Music |High Definite|

 FOLLOW Vince on Twitter. FAN US on Facebook. SUBSCRIBE to the Frotcast.