Battleship (BASED ON THE CRITICALLY-ACCLAIMED BOARD GAME!) has a new trailer out, and after watching it, I’ve come up with an awesome new slogan: Battleship — It’s not the SIZE of the ship, it’s the ‘splosions in the ocean! (The motion of the ‘splosion?) No, no, please, you can have that one, free of charge. Really, it’s my pleasure.

Which is to say, yeah, it’s still about alien battleships that jump. But it’s also got Admiral Rihanna (yes, Rihanna plays a naval officer. Yes, Rihanna the singer) dispensing folksy wisdom. “MAH DADDY DUN TOLE ME DA ALIEEN GONE COME BACK ONE DAY! HE SAY WE AIN’T ALONE!” Oh, Magic Negro. What would our action films be without you?

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"Come... at me, bro."

Following up on yesterday’s sneak preview from the Today show, Disney has released the full trailer for John Carter. I can’t deny that it looks cool, but it kind of just makes me feel sad and jaded. There’s a ton of talent behind the camera, and I’m sure ten years ago the sheer spectacle would’ve melted our faces off, but now it just sort of looks like every other movie that came out this summer. Mix aliens from Green Lantern with plots of Avatar and Cowboys and Aliens, and voila, you’ve got this. The biggest selling point was going to be Willem Dafoe in a ridiculous outfit, but apparently he just voices the alien in the banner image. God, life sucks. You really ruined my morning, John Carter.

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Taylor Kitsch was on the Today Show this morning promoting Disney’s John Carter, and after the usual boring talk about doing his own stunts and what length the fans like his hair (BUT WAIT, TELL US ABOUT YOUR WORKOUT REGIMEN!), they played a partial trailer, which you can watch below. Kitsch plays a Civil War veteran who gets transported to Mars and gets caught up in the conflicts there. Basically, it’s like Cowboys and Aliens on Mars, with a light queef-dusting of Avatar (and the ten previous movies Avatar implies), where the aliens all speak in British accents to let you know that they’re important.

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Click to animate (recommended)

After the jump, it’s the first trailer for Universal’s Battleship, which is loosely based on the board game and reportedly cost $200 million to make. I think it looks amazingly terrible, but then I could be biased because I’ve read the script. It stars the poor man’s Chris Pine, Taylor Kitsch as a cocky young blah blah something something aliens come and Rihanna is there. Liam Neeson reprises his role as Guy Who Likes Paychecks, and Alexander Skarsgård is all “HURRR, I’M HANDSOME.” Also, the aliens have jumping battleships in this one. That’s right, JUMPING BATTLESHIPS. It makes sense, because they’re aliens. Hey, Hollywood, maybe it’d be easier to just tell us which movies AREN’T about alien invasions from now on.

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There have already been three X-Men movies, and even while the last one was pulling random mutants like a dude who throws sticks and a gay guy with angel wings out its ass, there was no Gambit.  Gambit’s finally in the upcoming X-Men Origins: Wolverine, and here we have our first picture. As you can see, he’s played by Canadian Taylor Kitsch, previously of Friday Night Lights. I think the character would be more fun if instead of cards he carried around a sack full of baby chicks

[Empire via Wearemoviegeeks]