“Oi mate, sell ya my croc skin vest or me koala fur condom.”

For the past eight years or so, Australian acting legend and international treasure Paul Hogan has seen his name and reputation dragged through the proverbial kangaroo poop as he has been accused on several occasions of tax evasion. Ultimately, he was never convicted, despite several humiliating attempts by the Aussie government that included serving him right after his mom’s funeral, and he reached an undisclosed settlement with officials after he sued last year for all of the embarrassment and damage to his reputation.

So what does the man who gave us Crocodile Dundee do next? He goes after the people who framed him, that’s what. And he’s starting with his former tax adviser, who Hogan claims stole or “misappropriated” $34 million of his hard-earned coin.

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Wesley Snipes was convicted of tax evasion in 2008, and sentenced to three years after losing his appeal in 2010. Snipes claimed he was misled by his financial adviser. But according to a piece in Forbes, he may have been part of a radical anti-tax group who, instead of money, would basically send a letter to the IRS every year saying that the IRS didn’t actually have the power to collect taxes. See if you can guess how that worked out.

A July decision by the 11^th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals upholding Snipes’ conviction and sentence recounts how after becoming involved with the American Rights Litigators organization, Snipes failed to file individual federal returns from 1999 to 2004, despite grossing more than $37 million during those years. According to the decision, instead of 1040s, Snipes sent the IRS correspondence advancing various theories as to “why the IRS was powerless to collect income taxes from him” including “that he was a `non-resident alien to the United States,’ that earned income must come from `sources wholly outside the United States,’ that a `taxpayer is defined  by law as one who operates a distilled spirit Plant,’ and that the Internal Revenue Code’s taxing authority `is limited to the District of Columbia and insular possessions of the United States, exclusive of the 50 States of the Union.’’’

Needless to say, saying “this is why I don’t need to pay” to the people who get to decide what you pay is not a very good idea. The government threw the book at him, and even after he had Judge Joe Brown as a character witness! Is nothing sacred? But now is not the time to dwell on the past, Wesley Snipes is a free man!

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You may remember, Gerard Depardieu has been publicly feuding with the French government over their recently-introduced 75 percent tax on millionaires. As the P Diddy of France, with much to lose from the many millions stored in mucousy pouches in his great torso, Depardieu protested the tax by moving across the border to Belgium, whereupon the French government retaliated by threatening to revoke his passport. Smelling a publicity opportunity, Russia’s shirtless action-man president Vladimir Putin publicly offered Gerard Depardieu a passport from Russia, where Gerard Depardieu had been filming a movie about Rasputin. Depardieu accepted, leading to the incredible picture you see above and the magnificent news lede below:

MOSCOW — The day after receiving his new Russian passport from President Vladimir Putin, French actor Gerard Depardieu flew Sunday to the provincial town of Saransk, where he was greeted as a local hero and offered an apartment for free.

As you can see, the man fits right in.

Putin granted his request last week and then welcomed the actor late Saturday to his residence [Putin's residence, that is. -Ed] in Sochi, the host city of the 2014 Winter Olympics. Russian television showed the two men embracing and then chatting over supper, discussing a soon-to-be-released film in which Depardieu plays Russian monk Grigory Rasputin.

Depardieu flew Sunday to Saransk, a town about 300 miles east of Moscow, where he was met at a snow-covered airport by the governor and a group of women in traditional costume singing folk songs. He flashed his new passport to the crowd before setting out on a tour of the town.

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Little-Known Fact: Gerard Depardieu drinks wine through his giant nose like a French anteater

It turns out Gerard Depardieu, a man so French he has an actual baguette for a nose and sighs snails when he gets huffy, is no longer even a French resident. He now lives just across the border in Belgium, and even more surprising, he wasn’t lured there by a pretty lady cat who got some paint spilled on her. No, it was zee taxes. Or more accurately, zee lack zair of.

French star Gerard Depardieu has upped the ante in his tax battle with the government of French President Francois Hollande, threatening to hand back his French passport in protest.

In an open letter to President Hollande and French Prime Minister Jean-Marc Ayrault published Sunday in Le Journal du Dimanche, the Oscar-nominated actor said he was “insulted” by government attacks on his decision to move to a town in Belgium just across the French border in an apparent attempt to avoid paying higher French taxes.

Depardieu’s move comes in response to a new 75 percent tax on the wealthy introduced by Hollande’s left-leaning government. The new tax rate, which comes in next year, will tax all income above $1.3 million (€1 million) at the new 75 percent rate. Across the border in Belgium, there is no wealth tax and capital gains on stock sales are also tax-free.

Depardieu’s move to the small Belgian town of Nechin, within walking distance of the French border, has been roundly criticized in the French media. Prime Minister Ayrault called his decision to move “shabby,” “pathetic” and unpatriotic at a time of austerity programs. [THR]

Unpatriotic? No, I think you just failed to find that perfect balance of “not quite enough to force people across the border” for which all taxes strive. In any case, this argument is much more interesting if you imagine them both as the French knights in Monty Python, making faces at each other across the street from different castles.

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"He thinks he's holding a knife -- shhh, just play along."

At one point, the Australian government accused Paul Hogan, now 72, and his business manager of owing $156 million in taxes, which in my mind sounds at least 15 times higher than all of the money Paul Hogan could’ve possibly made in his entire lifetime. Jesus Christ, next you’ll tell me Yahoo Serious is the Sultan of Brunei (SCRIPT IDEA: “Seriously Sultan,” starring Yahoo Serious and Miley Cyrus in a fish-out-of-water tale of mistaken identity). Anyway, Hogan’s life seemed to be circling the dunny back in 2010 when he was barred from leaving Australia after returning to attend his mother’s funeral (he lives in LA). But the criminal case against him was dropped later that year, and this week, he and the tax office have reportedly settled the bill for an undisclosed fair dinkum.

The terms of the settlement, according to the Australian press, reached after mediation by a former judge, remain confidential, and the Australian Taxation Office declined to comment. A public announcement noted only that an agreement had been negotiated “without admission,” meaning that there was no assignment of wrongdoing to either party.

The first “Crocodile Dundee” movie, which was made with a budget of less than $10 million and focuses on the unlikely romance between an Australian bushman and a New York reporter who goes to the outback to interview him, was released in the United States in 1986 and earned $175 million at the box office. That made it the second most popular film of that year, after “Top Gun,” and it was also a hit not only in Australia, where it made another $50 million, but also around the world, with an estimated total box office of more than $325 million.

As the settlement was announced Mr. Hogan’s lawyer, Andrew Robinson, criticized the tax inquiry as a waste of taxpayers’ money, saying it may have cost more than $20 million. He also suggested that Mr. Hogan, who has largely been inactive in recent years, might soon be back with a new project. “ Who knows, now that this monkey is off his back?” Mr Robinson said. [NYTimes]

Hogan himself was said to have remarked, “Monkey? That’s not a monkey. THIS is a monkey,” at which point he pointed at a koala bear. I’m telling you, the guy’s losing it.

[picture via]