(from left, Paul NJ Ottosson, winner of Best Sound Editing for Zero Dark Thirty, Claudio Miranda, winner of Best Cinematography for Life of Pi, and Per Hallberg, co-winner of Best Sound Editing for Skyfall. from ChisKula via JuliaSegal)

I’ve long referred to legendary, multi-Oscar winning cinematographer Robert Richardson (below) as Tarantino’s Coke Wizard, so named because he’s always seated right behind Quentin Tarantino at awards shows, sporting his long white hair and beard, looking like a mysterious apparition who appears to Quentin whenever Q does too much cocaine. They sat him right behind Tarantino again last night, and whoever made sure he was visible in almost every shot of Tarantino should win an Emmy.

BIM SKAZIM, ALLA KAZOOVY! A WESTERN ABOUT SLAVES SHOULD BE YOUR NEXT MOVIE! (*disappears in puff of white powder*)

But as disappointed as I was not to see Richardson collect his fourth Oscar for cinematography (he previously won for JFK, The Aviator, and Hugo, and was nominated for Inglourious Basterds and Django Unchained), I couldn’t help but notice that the auditorium seemed to be full of his dopplegangers. MWAHAHAHA! TRY TO CATCH THE WIZARD NOW! HALL OF MIRRORS! (*throws handful of glitter, upturns rainstick, long-haired men in suits appear everywhere*)

Ahh, a clever strategy, warlock. But I’ve foiled his plan. I’ve been able to identify the impostors as Paul NJ Ottosson, Swedish-born former musician and winner of Best Sound Editing for Zero Dark Thirty; Claudio Miranda, Chilean ASC member and winner of Best Cinematography for Life of Pi; and Per Hallberg, veteran Swedish sound editor and co-winner of Best Sound Editing for Skyfall. Of all the tricks Tarantino’s Coke Wizard ever pulled, his greatest was trying to form a Rush cover band out of Oscar winners.

(*drum beat from “Tom Sawyer” fades in, room fills with fog…*)

Here’s a fun little video that’s been making the rounds among my stand-up comedian friends: comedian Jake Weisman, performing at the Hell Yes Fest in New Orleans over the weekend, finds himself dealing with your typical drunk jackass who thinks he’s helping entertain the audience by interjecting dumb comments in the middle of Weisman’s set ups (you’d be amazed at how common it is for drunk people to talk to the the guy on stage as if it’s a private conversation between just them two – I mentioned this phenomenon in my Dave Chappelle story a while back). It starts about 4:40 into the video, and rather than trying to power through his bits over the top of Drunk Jackass, Weisman wisely sits down and prods the guy who wants all the attention onto the stage.

Shockingly, the drunk guy is obnoxious and not funny, and is very bad at taking direction. Weisman starts literally, physically wrestling with Drunk J, and at that point, even the heckler-humiliation bit is starting to go south, when all of a sudden, at 6:55 of the video, a bag of cocaine falls out of DJ’s pocket. Weisman points out that this is the first time he’s seen cocaine (and you call yourself a comedian?!) and tries to convince DJ that’s he’s going to go to jail. The guy eventually leaves, and it’d be nice to think that he’d learned a lesson, but I doubt it. If it was me, I would’ve done what my grandpappy did to teach me a lesson when I got into his coke stash: he made me snort the whole bag.

In any case, well done, Jake Weisman, you win the award for heckler-shaming. Though I have to admit, that little shrug the kid gives when Weisman hands him his cocaine is pretty classic. “Eh, he found my cocaine, whaddyagonna do?”

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Back when Quentin Tarantino was fist pumping like a champ at the 2010 Oscars, we noticed that there was a white wizard behind Quentin cheering him on. We learned that the White Wizard is an apparition who appears to Quentin when Q does too much cocaine. Later we learned that the wizard also takes the form of Oscar-winning cinematographer Robert Richardson. And it bummed us out to hear that he’d been arrested for DUI Friday night.

Legendary cinematographer Robert Richardson — who has worked on films like “Aviator” and “Hugo” — was arrested Friday night on suspicion of DUI, this according to law enforcement sources.
Our sources tell us … the three-time Oscar winner was driving around Los Angeles last night around 9:25 PM when he was pulled over for a traffic violation.
We’re told the officer on scene smelled alcohol on his breath and asked Richardson to get out of the car to perform field sobriety tests … which, according to our sources, he totally BOMBED. According to our sources, Richardson was then hauled off to the police station where he blew almost TWICE the legal limit.
The dude’s resumé is pretty amazing … he did the cinematography for “Django Unchained,” “Hugo,” “Shutter Island,” “Inglorious Basterds,” “Eat, Pray, Love” “The Horse Whisperer” and “A Few Good Men” … just to name a few. [TMZ]

On serious note, I went to college in southern California and if you can live there for more than 10 years without getting a DUI, it’s an accomplishment. Everything’s spread out and there aren’t any cabs or public transportation, and it’s generally a perfect formula for people having a few drinks and thinking they’re under the limit. On a less serious note, it must be quite a scene trying to arrest a sh*t faced wizard. “ZIM SQUIM ALA KA– sh*t, how’sh a rest a this go? I can’t remember.” Then he throws a lazy smoke bomb and accidentally turns his pants into a frog.

FREE TARANTINO’S COKE WIZARD! He can’t be bound by the lame laws as terrestrial beings! He’s got sweaty filmmakers to inspire!

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With Kurt Russell, Leonardo DiCaprio, Christoph Waltz, Jamie Foxx, Samuel Jackson, and Don Johnson all locked in for Quentin Tarantino’s Django Unchained, the only missing piece was the lead female. According to Deadline, that role has gone to Kerry Washington, a tall drink of hot chocolate known from her roles in Ray and Last King of Scotland. She’ll play a slave named “Broomhilda.” If you’ll remember, Django was a story inspired by cocaine and Alan Ball’s noisy mynah birds.

Washington will play the long-suffering slave wife of Django (Jamie Foxx), who is freed by a bounty hunter (Christoph Waltz) and taught the tricks of that trade. Django’s real desire is to be reunited with his wife, who winds up in a variety of unsavory places and whose travails drive the plot. It leads to a confrontation in Candyland, a ranch owned by the notorious Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio).

Tarantino had his eye on Washington from the beginning, but he was also intrigued with making a discovery in the role, and that led to a long casting search before the director went back to Washington for the female lead.

Calling a wife “long-suffering” always makes her sound like she’s caught up in some kind of wacky sitcom marriage to an incorrible husband. “LOL, not another one of his schemes!” But in this case, I’m guessing the suffering is more on account of the slavery.

“ZIM SQUIM, ALA KAZAAME, NOW ‘BROOMHILDA’ SHALL BE YOUR SLAVE’S NAME!” (*scatters cigarettes, disappears in puff of smoke*)

"Hey there, little lady. Did you know I raised Kate Hudson?" (*gets drink thrown in face*)

A few months back, it was reported that Kevin Costner would be joining Tarantino’s upcoming

The movie is set in the American South of the 1800s and follows a freed slave (Jamie Foxx) who partners with a German bounty hunter (Chrisoph Waltz) in order to find his wife.
The bad guy list they encounter is impressive: Leonardo DiCaprio as a Francophile plantation owner who forces slaves to compete in death matches and Samuel L. Jackson as a vile head slave who works for DiCaprio.
Coming on to the list of antagonists will be Russell, playing a character called Ace, a man who oversees the plantation in a ruthless manner and who relishes punishing slaves. [THR]

Needless to say, this sounds great. Christoph Waltz made me enjoy a movie where R-Pattz falls in love with Reese Witherspoon while they bond over a circus elephant, so I can only imagine how good he’ll be in a violent Tarantino flick about mandingo slave fights. On a side note, is it just me, or does the slave-teams-up-with-German-bounty-hunter plot kind of sound like a funhouse-mirror Brett Ratner plot? In the Ratner version, the trailer would just be an interracial buddy duo on horseback arguing back and forth while an ELO song plays. Don’t bring me doown; down down down down doooooooooowwwwn, oh woo hooo…