The cool thing about being a ridiculously wealthy celebrity is that if you like a movie, you can just put your kid in it, like movie karaoke.  On that note, here’s the first trailer for Jaden Smith/Jackie Chan’s THE Karate Kid (the ‘The’ is very important), which the soundtrack promises will Linkin Pork you in the ears.  The plot is that Jaden’s mom moves him to Beijing, where he soon finds out that Chinaman no rikey reedo brack boy, and old women are always elbowing him in the ribs on the subway (I’m just speculating here).  So Jackie Chan comes and teaches him Kung Fu.  Or maybe Karate.  It’s a little unclear.  What’s the one where Asian dudes kick each other?

And then at the end, Jaden Smith sees Jackie Chan trying to catch flies with chopsticks, and he’s all “It’s like Star Wars and you’re Yoda.”  No, dumbf-ck, it’s more like Karate Kid.

(“Stay out my store!”)

A new poster and trailer were just released for Tyler Perry’s I Can Do Bad All by Myself.  The poster is a reference (a reference noted in the studio’s press release, mind you) to Straw Dogs, a 1971 Sam Peckinpah film in which a guy takes brutal revenge on the townies who gang raped his woman.  Which makes total sense* when you consider that I Can Do Bad All by Myself looks like a hackneyed redemption story starring a sassy old black woman in drag.

The strategy in the trailer, meanwhile, seems to be throwing a bunch of incongruous elements of a movie together – single mother struggalin ta make ends meet, down-on-his-luck handyman, sass-throwin old lady who’s really a man – then bringing them all together with an earnest piano track and references to Jesus.  If Tyler Perry had directed Ace Ventura, Ace would be wrestling the dolphin, then there’d be that dramatic cymbal crash thingie, and next thing you know he’d be teaching the kids to pray while talking out of his butt cheeks.  “Go ahead, children, ass Jesus a question.”   Tyler Perry movies are weirder than Norwegian porno.

*It doesn’t make sense

Read the rest of this entry »