^{Carrey has a prophetic vision whilst high on angel dust}

Here’s a look at what’s opening this week!  And by ‘a look’ I mean personal observations wherein I don’t decribe the actual movies at all!  Enjoy!

Yes Man
To quote anonymous tip guy, “the whole movie is funny because he says yes to everything, even like drinking a bunch of Red Bull, which is really funny because he talks really fast just like when people drink a lot of Red Bull. He also does a bunch of things like guitar lessons and stuff.”

Seven Pounds
What’s this movie about, the dump I just took?   *looks around for high five*  On a serious note, I have zero interest in this.  I’ve been sitting here trying to figure out why, and I think it’s that it looks like it’s trying really hard to be serious and moving, but it’s impossible for me to imagine someone as boring as Will Smith ever being part of something profound.  I also run into that age-old paradox of things that are “life affirming” making me want to blow my brains out.  …Oops.  Hey! Dick joke, everyone!

Tale of Despereaux
I think they really missed an opportunity by not calling it “Tail of Despereaux.”  Because he’s a f-cking mouse, get it????????  Bleaux me.

The Wrestler
Aka Watch Clay Face Win the Oscar. I really want to see this.  Too bad it’s only playing in New York and LA and I’m in Fresno.  Don’t feel too sorry for me though, the IHOP here is the motherf-cking shizniziznizit.  Which reminds me, BRING ME SOME MORE COFFEE, YOU FAT F-CKING LOSERS! DON’T YOU KNOW I’M FROM NEW YORK CITY?!

This is the newest trailer for The Tale of Despereaux, and if you can think of anything interesting to say about it, you’re a better man than I.  …Or perhaps you’re a lady.  **mouths “CALL ME”**

So… How is this different than Ratatouille again?  Oh, I see, you took out the charm.

After the jump, I’ve got the trailer for The Tale of Despereaux, an animated film from Universal.  Normally I’d say no one but Pixar should be allowed to make animated movies, but after watching this… My position hasn’t changed.

Starring the voice of Matthew Broderick, the movie tells the story of Despereaux, a mouse who is French, because the law of movie clichés says all mice are French.  Despereaux isn’t like other mice, because he’s not afraid of people.  Like many children’s stories, this would have us believe that animals are intelligent, sensitive beings capable of speech and wearing clothes, and the only reason we don’t know is because they’re taught to fear us.  It’s the kind of thing that’s a real downer if you’re stoned and you just squashed the fuck out of a spider.