I’m not going to make fun of Sylvester Stallone for being old, because hey, everyone gets old (except for me, fingers crossed fingers crossed…).  At least Sly had the decency to shoot HGH and stab gooks in the face.  Anyway, yadda yadda yadda, Rambo 5.

The upcoming project’s storyline revolves around Rambo fighting his way through human traffickers and drug lords to rescue a young girl abducted near the U.S.-Mexico border. Production will start in the spring. [Variety]

DAMN YOU, HUMAN TRAFFICKERS!  STOP STEALING PEOPLES’ DAUGHTERS!  “I don’t know who you are.  I don’t know what you want.  If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you that I don’t have money.  What I do have is a particular set of skills.  Skills that I have acquired over a long career.  Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you.  And when I’m pushed… killin’s as easy as breathin’.”  *downs steroid pills, tears off a Mexican’s arms and beats him to death*

OOOH WHA-AA AA-AA!!

*Bow and arrow, bodies hitting floor*

He’s Just Not That Into You (pictured, at left) led the weekend box office with $27.5 million, but only because it was a really good movie.  Sample reviews:

Yes, that’s an impressive collection of actors. And yes, it’s deflating to watch them wandering in and out of half-written scenes with no discernible direction. [NYDailyNews]

Ever noticed how many self-help books are limited to the insight expressed in their titles? You look at the cover, you know everything inside. The rest is just writing. I asked Amazon to “surprise me” with a page from inside the best-seller He’s Just Not That Into You, and it jumped me to page 17, where I read: “My belief is that if you have to be the aggressor, if you have to pursue, if you have to do the asking out, nine times out of 10, he’s just not that into you.”  I have tried, but I cannot imagine what was covered in the previous 16 pages of that book. I am reminded of the book review once written by Ambrose Bierce: “The covers of this book are too far apart.” [Roger Ebert]

It’s a star-encrusted vending machine that dispenses nuggets of conventional wisdom in zesty flavors. [Wall Street Journal]

Elsewhere, Taken remained a strong number two and Pink Panther 2 and Push both underperformed at numbers four and six.  All in all, not quite the harbinger of the apocalypse it could’ve been, when you consider that the number one movie this time last year was Fool’s Gold.
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Hollywood had its first ever billion-dollar January, thanks to fine films like, uh, Paul Blart.  Meanwhile, Liam Neeson revenge flick Taken took the top spot this week (forcefully, by shooting Paul Blart‘s wife in the arm) with $24.6 million.  Another reason it paid to be an old man with a gun, Gran Torino landed at number five, but its cumulative gross of $110 million makes it the highest grossing Clint Eastwood film of all time (the next two being In the Line of Fire and Unforgiven).  Said Eastwood when reached for comment, “If only the gooks were here to see it.  Too bad I killed ‘em.”

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This is the second trailer for Taken, starring Liam Neeson, which opens today.  This one gives us a little better idea of the plot, which sadly, is pretty much the plot of a John Cena movie.  In movies, the guy whose daughter or wife gets kidnapped is always a Navy SEAL or CIA Agent.  If they made the movie about me, my daughter would get kidnapped and the next scene would just be me photoshopping the kidnapper’s face onto a monkey’s butt.   This time, they messed with the wrong guy.

The new poster for Taken (click on thumbnail below for full size) has been released.  Like the trailer, it seems to focus on the “Liam Neeson is pissed” angle.  “I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU ARE BUT IF YOU DON’T LET MY DAUGHTER GO I WILL FIND YOU I WILL KILL YOU,” it reads.  Note the all caps and lack of punctuation.  It could be a clue.  Maybe Liam Neeson’s going to get his daughter back by sending the kidnappers some really nasty MySpace messages.  And by Liam Neeson, I mean of course neEZyP1MP~BiGEiRE^QuiG0n*$$Thow’DuPnummaWun.