I took this picture inside a theater lobby in San Francisco. It’s a poster for Mirror Mirror (Tarsem Singh’s batshit take on Snow White, not to be confused with the Hot Topic take on same starring Kristen Stewart, Snow White & the Huntsman) starring our favorite popped collar preppy, Armie Hammer.

Without resorting to unwarranted hyperbole, can I just say that THIS IS ABSOLUTELY INFURIATING! (*kicks cat off coffee table*) The poster designer had the BEST tagline of ALL TIME staring him SQUARE IN THE FACE! It was TWO LETTERS away! How many people had to approve this photo before it went to print? Two? Five? Ten? That even ONE let this slip by without IMMEDIATELY changing the tagline to “ARMIE OF ONE” is literally the worst thing since puppy cancer. If I were involved in the making of this poster in any way, I would’ve demanded it be changed and then resigned in protest if I was overruled. That’s a little something we used to call “integrity.”

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LatinoReview debuted the the new poster for Disney’s Secretariat, which stars John Malkovich and Diane Lane, though you’d never know it from the poster, which seems to focus more on the Sarah Jessica Parker angle.  (Had you heard?  She somewhat resembles a horse).  And of course the tagline, “THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUE STORY.”   Talk about selling the sizzle!  Come see our horse movie!  A story so wholly impossible and totally true that it’s literally incredible!

Now, I know I’m being a word nerd here, but is it really so much to ask that you sell a product without completely raping the meanings of words?  This is not an isolated problem.  Even as I was writing this post, I got this press screening invite in my inbox:

BRAN NUE DAE is a charming new Australian-based, road movie, coming of age, comedy musical that literally bursts onto the screen with unbridled energy and fun.

Dude. “Literally bursts onto the screen with unbridled energy and fun.”  I don’t know what that means.  It means nothing.  Next time, just write “Got ___” and take a lunch break before you hurt yourself.

Sorry for the technical issues today, folks.  I’ll be back with a full day of posts tomorrow. In the meantime, please enjoy the new, incredibly suggestive poster (via CartoonBrew) for Yogi Bear 3D.  Tagline:

“Great things come in bears.”

Bears like Boo Boo, this poster seems to say.  See, Yogi is a “great thing,” and he’s “coming” in a bear, and in this case, that bear is Boo Boo, whom Yogi has mounted from behind.  Jeez, do I have to explain everything to you guys?  For his part, Boo Boo doesn’t seem to mind.  I think they actually ripped off this fake poster I made of Wolverine, back when Disney bought Marvel.  Where’s my money, a-holes?  Ooh, poor choice of words…

Man.  I’ve seen a lot of crappy movie posters in my day, but even aside from the impressive collection of floating bodies and jagoff clichés in this new G.I. Joe poster, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a poster designer stoop to photoshopping sunglasses on someone’s face.  Ever wonder how stuff like this happens?  I bet it went down a little something like this:

Original design:

“Hmm.  I like it, but… do you think it’s… cool enough?”

“Perfect.”

(Get it?  The llamas are a metaphor)

[poster source = movieweb, and for all your llama saddling needs, check out Northern Colorado Llama Saddles]

The original title of Terminator Salvation was Terminaton Salvation: The Future Begins.  Then JJ Abrams’ Star Trek movie sorta yoinked that tagline.  Now, Terminator’s newest poster from a Russian site comes equipped with the tagline: “The End Begins.”  Anyone else get the feeling a poster with a fat midget and the tagline “Jumbo Shrimp” would make Hollywood people shit their pants laughing?  Anyway, let’s go to FirstShowing (you may remember him as the guy who got his seat stolen at Comic-Con) for some in-depth analysis!

I’d like to say the idea is pretty cool, somewhat of a “face-to-face” between Christian Bale and Sam Worthington. The problem is that it looks terrible and the split faces don’t really work well. I don’t know, maybe it really is a brilliant design and I just can’t see it. What do you think?

I’m guessing if two guys looking at the camera means “somewhat of a face-to-face”, then two guys back to back would be “not really a face-to-face?”  But then, maybe I’m just being crazy!  How would you guys write it?  Sound off in the comments!