God help me, I can’t stop staring at this gif.

MORNING LINKS
Patton Oswalt discusses his shirtless table read with Matthew McConaughey |Film Drunk|

The existential buffoonery of not being a Lax Bro |Frotcast|

UPROXX 20: Anthony Bourdain Loves ‘Archer’ And @DadBoner |UPROXX|

The fourth meal has never been the same since the baja sauce disappeared. [via imgur.com]

VIDEO: ‘The League’s’ Katie Aselton Was Miss Teen Maine In 1995 |Warming Glow|

Mind F*ck: The 2012 Tampa Bay Rays jersey shows up in 1995′s Clueless. |WithLeather|

10 Diddy Songs That Don’t Suck |Smoking Section|

The Best Moments From Week 11 Sunday |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Let’s kick the holiday season off with a healthy serving fo FLBP |theChive|

25 Years Of Cellphones In A Single Image |Buzzfeed|

Red Panda Surprise |Clip Nation|

19 Sports Injuries Weirder Than Hurting Your Knee While Bowling |Mental Floss|

Christina Aguilera Should Have Jogged To The AMAs |IDLYITW|

An old clip of Louis C.K. on Conan talking opiate suppositories |Holy Taco|

The Hilarious Jeremy Renner Shirtless Sketch That Didn’t Make the “SNL” Cut |Pajiba|

The SO Undercover Poster Is SO Perfect |Videogum|

When Marvel Girls Become Bond Girls |Unreality|

The 2012 American Music Awards |The Superficial|

‘Key & Peele’ Takes on the Racism of the Power Rangers |Brobible|

Gotham High |High Definite|

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Thank God for the internet.  Without it, we might not be able to learn how to make terrible yuppie Mexican food from rich white chicks with no culinary training.  Luckily it exists, and Iron Man 2 star Gwyneth Paltrow can use it to teach us zesty guacamole recipes.  See how regular she is???  She’s not even wearing makeup!!  She’s just like me!  She must know all about me!  Quick, let’s all go buy Debrett’s Guide to Modern Manners and the $75 cake knife she sells on her website!  LADY PALTROW COMMANDS IT!  MY LIFE WILL BE AWESOME IF I JUST SPEND SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS ON A KNIFE FOR CUTTING CAKE, AND THEN PLAN ENOUGH FANCY TEA PARTIES TO JUSTIFY IT!  LET’S GO HIT POOR PEOPLE IN OUR CAR!!!!

A side note on food from a guy who has at least cooked for a living: Black beans with Mexican food is some whack East Coast bullsh*t.  And grape tomatoes for salsa, are you high?  Because the bigger ones are “too watery”?  Grape tomatoes are ALL WATER.  It’s just skin with goop inside (see what I did there?). And they’re too sweet for salsa.  Those are for salad. YOU DON’T KNOW HOW TO COOK.  STOP THIS.  STOP THIS NOW.  Look, I don’t know how to fix cars.  I like cars, but I’m ignorant as to their inner workings, and I accept that.  You don’t see me making videos about how I fix my car, do you?

“And when the muffler starts making a sound, what I like to do is I like to hit it with a hammer.  You see how I did that?  I find it’s easier to hit the parts with a hammer because it keeps you from getting your hands dirty.”

Here’s a new how-to video for you, “How to Make the World Dumber with Your Terrible Advice.” Gwyneth Paltrow makes tacos like Coldplay makes music.

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