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MORNING LINKS
The Coen Bros Are Writing Angelina Jolie’s Directorial Follow-Up |Film Drunk|

Arrested Development’s 15 Greatest Sports Moments
|With Leather|

Cobra would like to tease cats before taking them out.
[via Final Ellipsis]

How Nick Offerman And Megan Mullally Became America’s Favorite Celebrity Couple |UPROXX|

Let’s Check In With The Local New-… Aaaaaaaand Somebody Made A Toilet Out Of Snow |Warming Glow|

Lego Hogwarts Is So Amazing It Has To Be Witchcraft
|Gamma Squad|

Take 10 Minutes To View These 100 Vince Carter Dunks |Smoking Section|

The Jets Want Some Hot Brady Quinn Action |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

The Best of the Goats Yelling Over Popular Songs Meme |Ranker|

GAME ON!! |theChive|

8 Official State Dinosaurs |Mental Floss|

Megan Fox Apologized To Michael Bay Because No One Would Hire Her |The Superficial|

10 Other Things Ewan McGregor Has Slain |Film.com|

16 Doppelgangers Spotted In Real Life |HuffPost Comedy|

Ugh, Fine, Let’s Look At The Oreo Separator Machine |Videogum|

9 Movies With Titles That Spoil Their Own Ending |NextMovie|

This ‘Zooey DeChappelle’ Face Mashup Is Straight-Up Terrifying |College Humor|

The Greatest Cruise of all Time! |Holy Taco|

Hey, It’s Kelly Brook And Her Panties |IDLYITW|

The Scariest Breakup Ever |Clip Nation|

Simon Pegg Rumored For Future ‘Star Wars’ Films Because Of All The Nerds |Screen Junkies|

Here’s Jennifer Lawrence Without Makeup Smoking Weed |Pajiba|

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Rambo and Conan are axe fighting!

AAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

….Sorry …Can’t …Stop laughing. Sorry about that. Attempting to compose myself, here’s Sly Stallone in… some sort of… axe fight... (bite your tongue, bite your tongue) with Jason Momoa (Khal Drogo, Conan) in Walter Hill’s Bullet to the Head. Now, don’t get me wrong, Sly Stallone looks fantastic for a guy my dad’s age and I hope to be in half as good shape now, let alone 30 years from now…. But… let’s say you’re a five-foot-nine 66-year-old. Perhaps an axe fight with a jacked, six-foot-five Polynesian isn’t the most believable role for you. Even Jordan had to learn a jump shot. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, is this a movie, or one of those City Slickers camps where you get to play fantasy action star?

Incidentally, you know what else is going to smell like an Axe fight? Theaters screening this movie. Haa ch-cha cha cha.

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Just to pound home those last few nails into theater-as-an-artform’s coffin, the new big thing on Broadway is to take a movie, add some songs, and turn it into one big, soulless, obnoxious dance number. Rocky recently got the musical-adaptation treatment, produced by Sylvester Stallone himself, but before bringing it to the US, they apparently decided to do a test run in Hamburg, Germany, where it’s called “Rocky: Das Musical.” That’s right, German theater kids, singing songs about Sylvester Stallone. The surrealism is strong with this one.

Check it out:

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“Stallone kills Liston! Stallone kills Liston!”

I first told you about Grudge Match, a film which would star 66-year-old Sylvester Stallone and 69-year-old Robert DeNiro as two aging boxers coming out of retirement for one last fight, two years ago, when the principals would’ve been a boyish 64 and 67. But the movie world works slowly, and it wasn’t until now that it’s been greenlit by Warner Bros. Kevin Hart is playing the promoter, to be directed by the guy from 50 First Dates and the latest script by Entourage creator Doug Ellin. So… yeah.

Warner Bros has set Kevin Hart to play the fight promoter who gets two retired brawlers back in the ring in Grudge Match. Robert De Niro and Sylvester Stallone are now set to play the fighters who square off in the ring, and the studio has greenlighted the film that will be directed by Peter Segal. Tim Kelleher wrote the script and the most recent draft is by Entourage architect Doug Ellin, with Billy Gerber and Mark Steven Johnson producing with Michael Ewing. [Deadline]

Raging Bull came out in 1980, Rocky in 1976. Applying this to the real-life champions from those years, this is sort of like if Larry Holmes and Muhammad Ali came out of retirement to fight each other. It seems unlikely, but then again, this 62-year dude (same age as Larry Holmes) KO’d a whippersnapper with a spinning backfist the other day, so who knows. I’ll be old someday, it’s fun to dream. Sly Stallone shoots babies up with HGH and then sucks it out of their spines, so I’m sure he’s already in fine shape to play a boxer, aside from his weird face. De Niro, on the other hand, looks like this:

Not bad, but presumably he’ll have to put in some hard gym hours if he’s going to hang around with his shirt off. Meanwhile, director Peter Segal’s resume includes: Read the rest of this entry »

Up until recently, I had not seen the Sylvester Stallone film Cobra in its entirely. Then, when I was looking for another movie to breakdown a couple weeks ago, Vince suggested that I do a post on its opening scene. I clicked around the old Google box, found out the whole thing was available on Youtube (note: the scene leaks over into Part Two), and carved out a couple hours to check it out. For research.

Holy crap. You guys.

Cobra is MINDBLOWING. Not in a “I found the documentary Inside Job mindblowing, as it reminded me of a revealing commentary I read in last month’s New Yorker, and-… what’s that? Yes, I will have more pâté. Thank you, Reginald. Now, where was I…” way, but in a “Nicolas Cage’s hair was a bird and it was mindblowing” way. It takes every action/cop movie cliche you can think of, puts them in a blender, and a serves the mixture with equal parts vodka in a plastic Solo cup. It is glorious.

Even better than the staggering number of cliches is the dialogue. OH, THE DIALOGUE. Written by Stallone, it features a number of lines that are so far over the top that they wrap all the way back around and I think end up under the bottom somehow. I’m going to cover some of these lines as we go along, and when I do so, please keep in mind that the man responsible for them was nominated for an Academy Award for screenwriting only ten years earlier. It’s a downfall I can only describe as Shyamalanian.

So yes, you must watch this movie. As soon as possible. With friends. You’ll thank me. But until then, without further ado, I present the opening scene of Cobra…

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