Up until recently, I had not seen the Sylvester Stallone film Cobra in its entirely. Then, when I was looking for another movie to breakdown a couple weeks ago, Vince suggested that I do a post on its opening scene. I clicked around the old Google box, found out the whole thing was available on Youtube (note: the scene leaks over into Part Two), and carved out a couple hours to check it out. For research.

Holy crap. You guys.

Cobra is MINDBLOWING. Not in a “I found the documentary Inside Job mindblowing, as it reminded me of a revealing commentary I read in last month’s New Yorker, and-… what’s that? Yes, I will have more pâté. Thank you, Reginald. Now, where was I…” way, but in a “Nicolas Cage’s hair was a bird and it was mindblowing” way. It takes every action/cop movie cliche you can think of, puts them in a blender, and a serves the mixture with equal parts vodka in a plastic Solo cup. It is glorious.

Even better than the staggering number of cliches is the dialogue. OH, THE DIALOGUE. Written by Stallone, it features a number of lines that are so far over the top that they wrap all the way back around and I think end up under the bottom somehow. I’m going to cover some of these lines as we go along, and when I do so, please keep in mind that the man responsible for them was nominated for an Academy Award for screenwriting only ten years earlier. It’s a downfall I can only describe as Shyamalanian.

So yes, you must watch this movie. As soon as possible. With friends. You’ll thank me. But until then, without further ado, I present the opening scene of Cobra…

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Among Sly Stallone aficionados, it’s a well-known fact (a “cheese truth“, if you will) that Stallone’s screen debut didn’t come on Rocky (hee hee!) but on the 1970 adult film The Party at Kitty and Stud’s, in which he earned $200 for playing the part of Stud. (Playing the part of kitty: Henrietta Holm’s luxuriant 70s muff).  Porn director Gail Palmer later re-edited the film and renamed it Italian Stallion to capitalize on the success of Rocky, and the horse wop fever that was sweeping the country.  The film contained no hardcore (i.e. penetration) scenes, and at the time Palmer claimed Stallone had performed them, but that they’d been edited out.  In 2007, a new version was released on DVD claiming to show the original hardcore scenes, but according to AVN (nsfw), those were inserts taken from another movie and there was no proof that Stallone had ever filmed hardcore scenes.

For his part, Stallone has always been pretty cool about the whole thing, refusing to be embarrassed, saying that for all the controversy, he wishes he had done the hardcore scenes.  He claims the producers tried to get him to pay $100 grand to keep it from coming out, but he “wouldn’t pay two bucks.”  When the film charged theaters $10,000 a night to distribute it, Stallone said, “Hell, for $10,000 forget the movie, I’ll be there myself.” (People watched porn together in theaters? Man, old people are gross).

Now someone has bought the rights for $400 large. (*points to crotch*)

Bryanstan distributors put up the film on ebay on Nov. 10. After 31 bids, it was sold for $412,100. The buyer gets the original 35mm negatives as well as worldwide rights to the film. [Variety]

And those rights should be worth a mint, because who’d want to Google a porno when you can just watch it at a seedy theater?  …Yeah, it might to be tough to turn a profit on this.  If it were me, I’d get Brian Pumper on the horn and see if he’ll write a rap song about farting in her pubes.

Good luck sleeping tonight

   I named this helicopter ‘Chopper Rotorway’.

UGO posted a round-up of info on The Expendables, and I’ll break it down like a clown.  Any potential spoilers will be placed after the jump.

• The group is already established  at the start of the movie, so there won’t be a clichéd recruitment scene.
• Sylvester Stallone plays Barney “The Schizo” Ross, leader of The Expendables.
• Jason Statham plays Lee Christmas (really?), the second in command.
• Mickey Rourke plays “Tool” (heh heh), an arms dealer and tattoo parlor owner/artist.
• Jet Li plays Bao Thao. (That name’s not even English!  Absurd.)
• Dolph Ludgren plays a sniper named Gunnar Jensen. Hang on.  Stallone named a sniper “Gunnar”?  You sly devil you. *slide whistle*
• Terry Crews is the comedy relief of group and plays Jet Li’s best friend, Hale Caesar.  Wait, “Hale Caesar”?  Is he wearing a toga and banging boys?
• Steve Austin plays ”Dan Paine” (Pain?  Okay, this is getting ridiculous.) and is Eric Roberts’s's’s's bodyguard.
• Randy Couture plays a demolitions expert named . . . wait for it . . . “Toll Road”.  Okay, now he’s just f–king with us.
• David Zayas (I hope he’s a doctor) plays the evil dictator General Garza.
• Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Willis have cameo roles.

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  See this tie?  I could kill you with this tie.

It’s not just a Rumer*. Yet another action star has signed on to The Expendables.  So far the film features Sylvester Stallone (also directing), Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Eric Roberts, Terry Crews, Mickey Rourke, Randy Couture, *deep breath* Steve Austin, and Arnold Schwarzenegger, among others.  Now add Bruce Willis.  MTV reports:

“I don’t know anything about [my character] yet, haven’t seen any pages yet,” Willis explained. “But I’m excited about it.”

Willis confirmed to us that the scene will involved himself, Arnold and Sly together on camera. “That’s the concept,” he said with a grin. “That’s the plan.”

OMG! OMG! *jumping around waving frantically*  I’m so excited!  *chokes out an eagle*  Eeeeeeeeeeee! *punts a baby deer into traffic*  Eeeeeeeeeeee! *rapes a jaguarundi*  Eeeeeeeeeeee! *puts in DVD of Perfect Stranger* . . .

Meh.  I’m over it.

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It was announced earlier this week that Sylvester Stallone would be presented with Jager Bombs the Jaeger-LeCoultre award at next month’s Venice Film Festival. The award, of course, recognizes Sly’s ability to spill words like baby food out the left side of his face.

“Through all of his movies — even the ones he has not directed or are considered ‘less important’ — Stallone has shaped his own character with much care, and reflected upon it, giving us an iconic exploration among the most coherent and lucid of contemporary America cinema,” fest organizers said in a statement. [Variety]

Ah yes, the “shaping” of his characters, as if they were Dreyfuss’ Devils Tower built of mashed potatoes. I often like to imagine Stallone sitting on the toilet, pinching a ripe, HGH loaf, as he read the script to Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, mumbling to himself incoherently about his own relationship with his mother (you know that she helped pioneer ”rumpology” in the Americas, didn’t you?).

All joking aside, I feel Stallone earned this one. His catalog of films span decades and for the most part they’re all fun to watch. I mean, the guy taught us that beating your meat can turn you into a prized fighter, for Christ sake. Included in the Venice festivities, clips from Stallone’s “The Expendables” (slated for an April 2010 release) will also be sneak previewed. Now I’m not Italian, but I did once finger bang a chick at a Pizza Hut in Venice, Florida, so I’m pretty you can take my word for it when I say that this ceremony sounds like “the tits”.

-Chodin