Before you ask, yes, of course it happened in Florida. A defense attorney from Titusville was arrested last week after he challenged his girlfriend to a naked sword duel. Which is strange, as I’ve always thought you needed at least two men for a naked sword duel. Burnsy’s going to be so bummed.

Terry Lee Locy, 36, faces counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence battery. The assault charge is a third-degree felony punishable by five years in prison.
According to an arrest affidavit, Locy and his live-in girlfriend were arguing early Wednesday morning about his “drinking in excess.” Locy then grabbed a mirror off a door and “raised it up as if he was attempting to strike” her, Agent Pamela Hibbs of the Brevard County Sheriff’s Office wrote in the affidavit.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall, please convince this bitch to stop nagging me. Whatever, I’m not even drunk.”

That’s when the girlfriend grabbed the hook that the mirror had been hanging on and flung it toward Locy, who suffered a cut to his head.

Clever girl.

After showering, a nude Locy handed a sheathed sword to his girlfriend and said, “You’re going to need this,” the court document states.

That is the most gangster move of all time. Please tell me he slapped her with a glove.

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Ever since HBO’s Rome ended, I’ve had a pretty stiff nerd boner for seeing James Purefoy (who played homicidal ladies man Marc Antony) kill people with a sword.  In addition to Purefoy as one of the Knights Templar (my God, A Da Vinci Code parallel! Quick, call Tom Hanks’ hair!), Ironclad has Paul Giamatti (can I call you Pauly G?  let’s assume I can call you Pauly G) playing the evil King John, as well as Brian Cox, Bob Hoskins, and the late Peter Postlewaite. Holy hell, that is a cast made of dreams. With Pauly G and Brian C chewin’ scenery and swingin’ swords, how could you go wrong, right? The only thing that concerns me is the bro-rawk soundtrack playing over the top. You shouldn’t have to make a trailer about knights sword fighting seem MORE TOUGH. And that butt metal only makes a trailer seem more tough in the same way an Affliction shirt makes you better at fighting. Which is to say… IT TOTALLY WORKS! SUCK IT, BRO, I JUST ICED YOU.
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In the feel-good heartwarmer of the year, last week, Ugly Betty extra, Step Up 3D bit player, and all-around cuddly snuggle bottom Michael Brea chopped off his mother’s head with a fancy sword.  Brea recently spoke with the New York Daily News, clarifying, “I didn’t kill her, I killed the demon inside of her.”

I’ve heard enough. (*bangs gavel*) OBJECTION SUSTAINED.

When told his mother, Yannick Brea, 55, had died in the grisly assault early Tuesday [her body was found "badly hacked, decapitated and stabbed multiple times in another room."], Michael was unrepentant.

“So be it. It was the work of God,” he said. “I was sleeping in my bedroom. God came above my bed and reached his arm to me,” said Brea

“I said, ‘God, is my time on earth over?’ I heard a voice say, ‘Yes Michael, today is your last day.’ I asked if I could say goodbye to my family.”

The 31-year-old Brea said he told no one about the dream, but the following afternoon, he said he received another sign while at the Prince Hall Masonic Temple in Harlem, which he’d joined a week earlier. There, he said, a man approached and tried to put a curse on him.

“[He] kept trying to put something in my hand but wouldn’t show it to me. I kept opening my hand. It was a Freemason pin. I wouldn’t touch it,” Brea said.

He began feeling ill and left, and while riding the train back to Brooklyn, he said, strangers began speaking to him about his mother.

“I felt like Neo from ‘The Matrix.’ I began hearing voices and feeling powerful,” Brea said. “They were asking about the difference between mom and mother. It was a sign.”

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I’m posting this latest clip from Centurion after the jump as a special treat for all the ladies who want to see a shirtless Michael Fassbender (Michael F. Assbender) run through a forest.  That he’s also bound at the wrists is just the icing on the beef cake.  Man, anyone else hungry all of a sudden?

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Now that The Descent director Neil Marshall is done making the Mad Max of car porns, he turns his attention to where it’s more appreciated, to SWORD FIGHTS AND FIRE AND HOT CHICKS WITH WEIRD HAIR OOH WHA-AH AH-AH!  And … hey, was that McNulty from The Wire?  Anyway, this one’s called Centurion and it opens in April in the UK.  It looks like it’s probably pretty dumb, but I’m okay with dumb, as long as there are enough sword fights and fire.  It’s how I was able to teach special ed for all those years.