(“Open up, Ma’am, Pantie Inspector.”)

I write about the movie business every day, so I’m pretty accustomed to how much shameless and embarrassing butt smooching goes on there.  But even I’m a little surprised by how many people signed this basically indefensible petition protesting Roman Polanski’s arrest.  The first signatory they list is Woody Allen.  Said Polanski, “Dude, you’re not helping.”  Anyway, here are some of the more well-known signatories, and Asia Argento:

Woody Allen, Pedro Almodovar, Asia Argento, Monica Bellucci, Jonathan Demme, Terry Gilliam, Wong Kar Waï, John Landis, David Lynch, Martin Scorsese, Tilda Swinton, Wim Wenders, Darren Aronofsky, Michael Mann, Julian Schnabel, Tom Tykwer.

WOODY ALLEN: Leave him alone!  All he did was have sex with a 13-year-old!
ROMAN POLANSKI: Yeah!  I mean, it’s not like she was my stepdaughter or anything!
WOODY ALLEN: Aw, dude. Cold, bro. Cold.

And here’s the full text of the petition (with commentary):

We have learned the astonishing news of Roman Polanski’s arrest by the Swiss police on September 26th, upon arrival in Zurich (Switzerland) while on his way to a film festival where he was due to receive an award for his career in filmmaking. His arrest follows an American arrest warrant dating from 1978 against the filmmaker, in a case of morals.

A case of morals?  Yes, I believe the moral of the case was “you’re not allowed to rape people.”

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(Polanski taking home Munchkinland’s highest honor, the enchanted toadstool)

Here, have a quaalude while I ease this Roman Polanski update into you.  Shh, baby, just relax. The latest word is that Polanski plans to fight his extradition to the US, hoping to make bail and/or have his case tried in Europe.  Over on DailyBeast, lawyer Mark Geragos seems to think Polanski will never be returned to the US, and for some reason chose to examine the whole thing through the lens of California’s financial crisis:

In a bizarre twist, the U.S Government has apparently adopted a tactic normally reserved for deadbeat dads on Superbowl Sunday. Talk about This is Your Life.

Um, what?  Don’t laywers normally have to, you know, make f’cking sense?  Anyway, here’s his legal take:

Here’s why [Polanski's return to the U.S.] will likely never happen: For openers, the Swiss Justice Ministry must first examine the U.S request for transfer and approve it. The approval process could take months. Given the European uproar over Polanski’s arrest, it seems highly likely they may simply deny the transfer. Swiss officials have put themselves in the rather unenviable position of angering the U.S. if they do not proceed or angering the European community if they do. The answer may well come down to who exerts the most pressure and it is not clear that the U.S. has that great a desire to become embroiled in this mess. One can imagine that Obama and Hillary may be a little more preoccupied with Iran nuclear programs and health-care reform rather than a 30-year old case that is likely to be dismissed if Polanski sets foot on U.S soil.

European uproar?  Oh right, that.

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Swiss police arrested director Roman Polanski on Sunday for giving 13-year-old Samantha Geimer booze and quaaludes and then having sex with her back in 1977.  Polanski famously lived in France to avoid being extradited for his outstanding American warrant, but when he showed up to receive an award at the Zurich Film Festival, Zurich Police arrested him, saying the Swiss have an extradition treaty with the U.S. dating back to the 50s.

People are generally forgiving towards Polanski because A. His mother died at Auschwitz and the Manson family murdered his pregnant wife Sharon Tate. B. As detailed in Roman Polanski: Wanted and Desired (horrible title, btw), the judge and prosecution in the original case outlined some steps Polanski should take in order to make a plea deal, which Polanski then took, only for the judge to later renege on the deal when the media gave the impression that Polanski was out on bail acting like a carefree rich playboy.  C. The victim has spoken out on Polanski’s behalf.  And D. Let a player play, yo.

A complicated legal process awaits all sides as the United States sought to secure his extradition for having sex in 1977 with a 13-year-old girl and fleeing to France a year later.  The Swiss Justice Ministry did not rule out the possibility that Polanski could be released on bail under very strict conditions that he doesn’t flee Switzerland.  Polanski seems most likely to spend several months in detention, unless he agrees to forgo any challenge to his extradition to the United States. Under a 1990 accord between Switzerland and the U.S., Washington has 60 days to submit a formal request for his transfer.

In Paris, French Foreign Minister Bernard Kouchner said he hoped Polanski could be quickly freed by the Swiss, calling the apprehension a “bit sinister.” Polanski was “thrown to the lions,” said French Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand. “In the same way that there is a generous America that we like, there is also a scary America that has just shown its face.” [Yahoo]

See why we make fun of you all the time, you snail-eating a-holes?  Every time we’re about to feel bad for being dicks to you all the time, you do something like call us scary for thinking a convicted rapist should come to court.  Damn you, you stuck up, rape-hating Yankees!

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