In the new G.I. Joe, G.I. Joe doesn’t stand for “Government Issue” anymore, it stands for Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity*.  Most people would agree that’s a stupid idea, but predictably, the guy yelling the loudest about it is a guy from the National Review who wants to take a time machine back to the make-believe past where white people invented rock and roll and blacks could only be mayor if Michael J. Fox told them to.  There might be a substantive discussion to be had somewhere in here, but since these stupid shows always need to have representatives from imaginary “pro” and “con” camps, it mainly devolves into:

Angry Guy 1: G.I. JOE DOESN’T LOOK LIKE I REMEMBER!  I’M ANGRY!  THINK OF THE SOLDIERS IN FALLUJAH!

Angry Guy 2: YOU’RE IGNORANT!  THIS IS BUSINESS!  THINK OF THE INVESTORS!

But I have to concede guy one might have a small point: why do we always think we have to water stuff down so it appeals to a larger audience?  Anyway, it’s kind of a myth.  The more generalized a product becomes, the less appealing it is to a specific audience.  So when you set out to make something with “universal appeal”, your best-case scenario is something like Transformers 2, where you ask people what they thought and they sort of shrug and go, “Well, if you like pieces of sh*t, you’ll f*cking love this piece of sh*t.”  It seems like there are a lot people out there who are proud of the amount of money they made, but not so proud of the actual product they sold to make them that money. Which to me seems dishonest. But bottom line, G.I. Joe isn’t red, white, and blue anymore because Obama is a secret Mexican.

*I know this was rumored early on, but whether it made it into the final film, I haven’t seen confirmed by a reliable source.

The Huffington Post recently posted this article from something called The Borowitz Report:

A rabid Harry Potter fan took his life yesterday after inadvertently learning a plot spoiler from the soon-to-be-released J.K. Rowling movie, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.”
Jude Ralston, 32, of Hudson, Ohio left a suicide note indicating that since overhearing the plot spoiler at a shopping mall earlier in the day, “I no longer have a reason to live.”
Family and friends who gathered for a candlelight memorial outside Mr. Ralston’s house remembered a man who seemed to live only for Harry Potter – and wondered if they could have done anything to prevent his tragic fate.
“When Jude got that vanity license plate that said ‘Hogwarts,’ that seemed harmless enough,” said Polly Clovis, who attended Model U.N. with Mr. Ralston while the two were in high school. “But when he started wearing that wizard hat around town, we really should have seen that as a cry for help.”

Now, I’d never heard of the Borowitz Report before I read this article, but I figured anyone who’s not a total idiot could figure out this story is an Onion-like satire, i.e., not real.  Like the other article on Borowitz’ website, about how John Ensign wants someone to stimulate his package.  But it turns out the internet has lots of total idiots, including:

TheInsider, who reported the fake story, adding, “Do you personally think such an act is possible and necessary?”  I love when blogs ask you questions at the end of posts.  Questions say, “I’m too lazy to do my job, what do you think, anonymous person on the internet?”

ICYDK.com, who just copied and pasted the entire story.  Well done.

PerezHilton, of course, who seems to have taken his article down since then.  See?  Even the unfunny sociopath with the mind of a 3-year-old figured it out.  (eventually).

BunnywithFangs, who calls the fictional guy who killed himself “a Moron.”  Would that be considered irony?

And those are only four of 1,684 posts of this story.  Anyway, sorry to get all blogging-about-bloggers on you guys this morning, but I thought it newsworthy that people could still surprise you by how dumb they are.  And as for Huffington Post, if you guys want to report real news, you might want to take more precautions with your fake articles.  Like me, I require all my readers to wear helmets.  (Mostly because of the head butts).  [Thanks to RoboPanda for the tip]

Sassy Ostrich could hardly believe the zaniness

Paul Blart Mall Cop topped DVD sales and rentals for the second week in a row because God is dead.

The Sony Pictures Home Entertainment comedy, which grossed $146.3 million in U.S. theaters, continued to see heavy action [hee hee! -Ed.] at retail, with its rental activity falling off just 26% from the previous week. [THR]

In theaters, I could see, okay, maybe you need to get away from the kids, or you need something you can take the kids to… the entertainment bar is set pretty low.  So you think, “Eh, maybe I’ll go watch Kevin James’ fat stupid ass act fat and stupid for a couple hours.”  But DVD?  Are there really people out there going, “Hmm, what should I see… Oh, I know!  I never saw that one about the fat dipsh*t on the Segway!  And now I can!  Life is good!  Let’s go shove flippers full of ice cream down our gullets!”  How can a movie be this popular and still I don’t know anyone who saw it?  Wait, don’t answer that, I’m just gonna bask in my good fortune.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s the best successful but stupid movie?

While writing my last post about Dance Flick earning $13 million this weekend, I naturally wondered who the hell all those people seeing it were. That’s when I came across these Twitter reactions and figured, “Hmm, maybe these deserve their own post.”  Then I thought, “Hell, why not make it a top ten list?”  And then I thought, “Look, a squirrel.”

1. montanatucker says: Okay soo idc what any1 says but I thought Dance Flick was hilarious lol
2. MIKEgUNRATEDent says: just watched dance flick djozeer is right thats one of those movies that shouldnt be paid to see.. and if you do get drunk.. im bored
3. davyana808 says: I watched dance flick yesterday, i didn’t like it -.- very retarted.
4. djozeer says: Had a good time at the movies but the movie sucked,dance flick is a movie you should Waite for until it comes out on t.v!!
5. signzofodg says: For bein pg13 dat Dance Flick sh*t pretty funny hahaa
6. fresasmiths says: watched dance flick not that funny HOPE YOUR SADNESS GOES AWAY BOYS LOVE YOU PEACE
7. pachichii says: Movie nite wit chloe. Fun! Ahaha. Movie dance flick was hela dumb! Haha. Prepare 4 scku tom! Grr. Watch choir concert
8. CryssRenee says: just saw dance flick. them waynas crazy as hell
9. momokiki says: o and by tha way i reccomend dance flick 2 an immature audiance only…and thats notta bad thing…tha movie was MAD funny!!!
10. The_Statement says: Dance Flick, officially the worst movie I’ve ever paid to see, well I aint pay lol but stilllll

It’s funny to me that even among the can’t spell, punctuate, capitalize, or complete a thought demographic, it’s still only running 30-40% recommended.  Not funny?  In the time it took you to read this, the world welcomed six new Wayanses.

A while back, Rose McGowan was allowed to talk, and not surprisingly, she said something stupid.  She told reporters she would’ve joined the IRA back in the day, and she knows all about the struggle because she was in a movie.  Today, the film’s producers are expressing their total support for her.  Ha, just kidding of course.

Guy Collins [one of Fifty Dead Men Walking’s producers] said that he and the other producers “were surprised and disappointed by the comments made by McGowan.”

Added director Kari Skogland: “Rose’s personal opinions of Northern Ireland do not reflect the perspective of the film in any way. Our goal was to present an even, nonjudgmental point of view so the audience could follow the path of an informer with empathy no matter what the politics.” [Thanks to Karen at THR]

So yeah, pretty much your basic, run-of-the-mill insincere corporate apology letter.  Kind of a non-story, but hey! doesn’t Rose McGowan suck?