Once upon a time, that a movie was just a 2-hour toy commercial was an accusation to be disputed by the filmmaker.  These days it’s just taken for granted.  Following recent announcements of an Ouija Board movie, a Candyland movie, and a Monopoly movie, Hasbro and Universal are now planning a Stretch Armstrong movie, to be written by Kung Pow jackass Steve Oedekerk – who’s written a few mediocre movies in his time, but whose legacy can best be summed up by the fact that his website has a giant picture of his face on it.

The toy, a 13-inch, blond-haired muscled figure whose limbs could be stretched to nearly four feet, was launched by Kenner in the ’70s. He had a dog named Fetch Armstrong, and a sibling, Evil X-Ray Wretch Armstrong.

Phew, did you catch all that?  A better way to say it is that he’s like Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four but with no backstory.

Hasbro’s Brian Goldner and Bennett Schneir will produce.  “This is a new well from which to draw intellectual properties that bring a pre-awareness and nostalgia,” Schneir said. “They are drawing filmmakers who find a real emotional connection and resonance, and this is proving to be a compelling driver for motion pictures.” [Variety]

Wow, slow clap for the guy who just used “intellectual property”, “emotional connection,” and “resonance” to describe a movie about a stretchy doll.  You see, we here at the Third Reich have been drawn to the efficiency and pride that comes with connecting Jews to their rightful post-living environment. I’m amazed at these shameless cocksuckers just for putting their real names on these projects.  And what a name, too – “Bennett Schneir.”  It doesn’t even sound real.  It sounds like the name of a villain in a Steve Oedekerk movie.