This week marks 20 years since the very first video game movie adaptation was released in theaters. The movie was Super Mario Bros. and it set the bar so low that it’s amazing another video game movie was ever greenlit. But since there are only so many books Nicholas Sparks can turn into movies per year, Hollywood has taken chances on adapting video games, and failed horribly. Over. And over. And over again. Here are a few games that should’ve stayed in the console where they belonged.
Here’s a guy getting kicked in the face, set to Guile music from Street Fighter. All it needs is that one guy who looked like he was jerking off in the background. Impressive, landing that clean a head kick in a river fight. By the way, “I’LL F*CK SAUCE YOU UP!” is my new favorite threat. |via Fightlinker|
In 1987, Jean Claude Van Damme married Gladys Portugues, his third wife. They divorced in 1992, and he remarried in 1994, but he divorced the fourth wife in 1997 and got back with Portugues in 1999, making her both his third and fifth wife. It sounds nuts, but he’s been with her ever since, and a 13-year marriage to the mother of two of your children is remarkably stable by action-star standards. Of course, no one wants to talk about that, only about the time he banged Kylie Minogue while they were shooting Street Fighter in 1994. AW YEAH JCVD GETTIN SOME STRANGE LEMME SMELL YA FINGERS DAWG.
For 1994′s abysmal videogame adaptation Street Fighter, he was paid $7m. The film was critically pounded, but it did good business – and he got to have a fling with co-star Kylie Minogue.
Speaking of pounding! HIYO! (You can tell that’s what they meant, but The Guardian is all subtle and classy).
Pictured: Bella and either Jacob or Edward seeking higher ground
The cast and crew of the next Twilight film, Breaking Dawn, was forced to evacuate their set on Vancouver Island in Canada amid a tsunami warning stemming from last night’s earthquake in Japan. From People.com:
The actors are not believed to be in any danger, but for safety measures they apparently have been moved out of the region.
The town where production is taking place, Tofino, contains a long stretch of open coast on the furthest westerly point of the island and was seen in the earlier The Twilight Saga: New Moon.
I’ve been watching coverage of this story (the Japan part, not the Twilight part) pretty much non-stop since 5 AM. It’s insane. Half of Japan is underwater and the other half is on fire. As someone who has a recurring dream about dying in a giant tsunami, this is pretty much the scariest thing I’ve ever seen. So, as easy as it would be to make mean, horrible jokes about the Twilight movies or their fans here, I’m gonna take a pass. Even on the part of the story in that link involving cast member Tinsel Korey hyper-dramatically Tweeting, “They’re evacuating us 4 a tsumnani [sic] warning. If this … is my last my tweet. I love you. The end. Hugz.” My restraint is strong.
In conclusion, because I don’t really know how to end this post, this is the video for “Straight to My Feet” by MC Hammer and Deion Sanders from the Street Fighter soundtrack.
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here and pretend all of you didn’t already see Street Fighter The Legend of Chun Li in theaters and present to you this video that compiles all the best parts, i.e. the parts where Chris Klein acts. I posted a similar video a while back but it got taken down, and if anything deserves a repost, it’s this. You know how in every movie that involves telekinesis or magic, the mentor will tell the young protege to squeeze all of his thoughts and emotions into a little ball and focus it into the pit of his stomach? Chris Klein acts like someone told him to focus all of his acting ability into his testicles, and then force it through his penis with intense prostate contractions. And when it comes out, it’s pure gravitas. This guy walks. Through. The jizz drops. I guess what I’m trying to say is, do not watch this if you’re trying not to get pregnant.