OPENING TODAY*:

21
I love Kevin Spacey. But I don’t trust a movie that expects me to believe that everyone on the math team at MIT is an attractive Caucasian.

Run, Fatboy, Run
Starring Simon Pegg, written by Simon Pegg and Michael Ian Black. Reviews have been mixed at best, but I’m willing to give Pegg the benefit of the doubt after Hot Fuzz, and for telling the truth. If the movie fails, we can assume it was all David Schwimmer’s fault, just like the holocaust.

Stop-Loss
It’s received strong reviews from Rolling Stone and the LA Times, but somehow I don’t trust MTV Films with important social issues. Now if the soldiers formed a hip hop dance crew to save the rec center…

Superhero Movie
A spoof movie that looks better than Meet the Spartans, which is basically like saying it looks funnier than being told you have penis cancer.

American Zombie
This time, it’s a zombie mockumentary. Probably would’ve earned a B+ in high school video productions class. Hey, you think The Cranberries get royalties for these movies?  Zo-om-bay, zo-om-bay, zo-om-bay, eh, eh, ayay ooooooooh, ayayayyyyyyyy…. 

Flawless
The Demi Moore/Michael Caine diamond heist movie. It’s getting decent reviews. Plus you can ‘ear Demi Moore attempt an English accent – Oh, ‘allo! Shoyne ya boots, guvna? 

Priceless
French film starring Audrey Tatou.  She makes my weiner tingle.  I like how in France, being a baller means riding around on a vespa.  In America it makes you a kooky lesbian. 

Chapter 27
Jared Leto gained 60 pounds to play murderer/lardass Mark David Chapman in Chapter 27 – or as it’s known to its investors, Chapter 11. [that's a burn]. 

Verdict: Movies? Who cares!  Petra the Swan and the Paddleboat are an item again! 

In recent months, Petra had struck up a relationship with a real white swan. However, he abandoned her last weekend — and officials decided to reunite her with the boat, which was returned to its owner only last week.

Oh crap, I guess that wasn’t as uplifting as previously thought. 

*Your mom’s legs! Haha! Jk, LOL.

This is the poster for Stop-Loss (trailer after the jump).  A serious movie about a serious issue with a serious director, Boys Don’t Cry’s Kimberly Pierce.  Brought to you by the people who brought us How She Move.  Oops.

I mean, if you wanna do a message movie, you probably don’t go to MTV, just like you don’t begin a political discussion with, “Your point about the legitimacy of multinational organizations vis a vis transactions conducted under the rubric of the Helsinki protocols is well taken.  However, I was watching TRL the other day and…” 

Back in Texas after fighting in Iraq, a young Army soldier (Ryan Phillippe) refuses orders to return to the war. Co-starring Channing Tatum, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Abbie Cornish, “Stop-Loss” hits theaters on March 28, 2008.

Hey, you know what would really class up this important story about the U.S. Army not honoring its enlistment contracts?  That "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" song by Drowning Pool.  Nothing says poignant like nü metal.  And Drowning Pool?  Perfect! They’re like the Candlebox of the Limp Bizkit era!