Jesus, how many movies did Steven Soderbergh make this year? He already has Haywire, starring my burly pretend lover Gina Carano coming out in January, and now here’s a trailer for Contagion, which opens in September. Maybe this one didn’t take as long, seeing as how it looks exactly like Outbreak (Update: It has come to my attention that our friend Mike at Screenrant has put together a mash-up on this very subject). The downside is that it has Gwyneth Paltrow in it. The upshot is that she dies in the middle of the trailer. Someone must’ve finally called her bluff and gave her a choice between that or letting her kid eat Cup-O-Soup.

Also keep your eyes peeled for the “SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT” scene at the 37-second mark. You know that scene. It’s where a minor character, who desperately craves clarification of something he already knows, prefaces a statement with “So let me get this straight…”, in order to deliver important exposition. It’s the fancy screenwriter way of saying, “Are you still with me here, dipsh*ts? Try to keep up.”

“SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: THERE’S A MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING FILLED WITH A DEADLY VIRUS… AND IT’S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR EIFFEL TOWER?”

“THAT’S RIGHT! …AND MY KID’S IN THERE!”

“LOOKS LIKE THIS TIME… IT’S PERSONAL.”

[next page: bonus gif]
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As we’ve previously discussed, the hardest twerkin’, lay it down, flip it and reverser in show bizna$ty, Channing Tatum and director Steven Soderbergh wrapped the action film Haywire (starring my beloved Gina Carano) and they immediately began developing Magic Mike, the story of Channing Tatum’s days as a male stripper. Imagine how shocked and actin’ the fool we were when it was revealed that Tatum would not play himself, but a mentor to an actor playing him. According to the Los Angeles Times, I Am Number Four psycho crybaby star Alex Pettyfer* will play the lead role in Magic Mike.

Tatum will play a mentor to Pettyfer’s character, teaching him how to work his manly magic on and off a Chippendales-esque stage.

The “Dear John” star and former stripper pitched the film to Soderbergh, of “Traffic” and “Erin Brockovich” fame, who called the idea “sexy, funny and shocking” and said he has a vision for the movie along the lines of “Saturday Night Fever.”

Pettyfer, of course, has raised eyebrows for his behavior over the past year or so, especially after his public relationship drama with Glee’s Dianna Agron and the mysterious fire at his house in February. Fortunately, I spoke with Tatum, who of course prefers I call him C-Tates, and he said it is not anything except for a poultry appendage:

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We know Channing Tatum as a few things: the hardest twerkin’ actor in show biznass, a producer, and a former stripper (PEEP THE VIDEO, HOMEY). Now, he’s putting that all together into one slightly burnt package. Tatum recently pitched the idea for a movie about his years as a male exotic dancer and Steven Soderbergh absolutely loves it. Magic Mike will feature Tatum as a male stripper who teaches a young male stripper the ropes and will reflect his own experiences in the business.

According to The Hollywood Reporter:

“When Channing talked to me about this, I thought it was one of the best ideas I’d ever heard for a movie. I said I wanted in immediately. It’s sexy, funny and shocking. We’re using Saturday Night Fever as our model, so hopefully we’re on the right track,” Soderbergh said in a statement.

Added Tatum, “This was a wild and pivotal time in my life and I couldn’t be more thrilled to go down the rabbit hole with Steven.”

Unfortunately, I spoke with Channing, or C-Tates as he prefers I call him, and he claims that he was misquoted. Here’s an email that he sent me earlier today…

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It feels like every movie in existence released a trailer in the last two days, and now that I’ve posted them, it’s time to clear the rest of my FireFox tabs.

Paul, Black Swan have new posters.  Greg Mottola’s take off on Mac & Me starring Nick Frost and Simon Pegg continues to look just weird enough that it might work, and Aronofsky’s ballerina movie now has an awesome poster.  Two of the most anticipated movies of the year, and yet all I can think is “aggressive lesbian ballerina sex.” |BlackSwan, Paul|

White Director Named White to Film Film for Whites.  Lionsgate offered the directing job on Pride and Prejudice and Zombies to the guy who wrote Orange County and School of Rock.   Nothing against Mike White (I enjoyed School of Rock, cutesy as it was), but every time I read “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” I hear this rap song about NPR.  Haha!  Being a nerd is cool!  (But still not that cool, so settle down, spaz).

Sacha Baron Cohen may reteam with Borat/Bruno director Larry Charles for The Dictator, a film “about the parallel stories of a goat herder and deposed foreign dictator who gets lost in this country.” If you’ll remember, this is the film for which Paramount sent Cohen a goat in a t-shirt, and roughly the eight billionth possible Cohen project reported on since Bruno.  Hey, I have a novel idea, maybe we could wait until he actually films something.  Just a thought. |LATimes|

Steven Soderbergh directing The Man from U.N.C.L.E., George Clooney possibly to star.  Based on the 60s TV show and set in the 60s, the project is still in the early stages, but the plan would be to shoot it in late 2011. I’ll tell you how I feel about this as soon as I find someone old enough to remember The Man from U.N.C.L.E.  I lost interest immediately upon finding out it doesn’t stand for University of North Carolina Lesbian Ensemble. |ThePlaylist|

And finally, an entrant into the World Biggest Twilight Fan contest says in her video (below), “I would literally take a bullet for any member of the cast, any day?” Congrats, you’re the new ‘Tard Olympics gold medalist.  I hate to praise Tyra, but I have to admit, this Twilight fan contest was a lot more fun when she was lining up these fatties and making them eat pie.

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Billy Beane explains what he looks for in a pair of titties.

That’s right, folks, Moneyball, Michael Lewis’ other, less popular book not about Sandra Bullock bringing pass blocking to the inner city, is once again set to hit theaters.  From Deadline:

Columbia Pictures is locking in a July start date for the Bennett Miller [Capote]-directed Moneyball. The picture is close to getting a green light after the above the line participants adjusted their deals to bring the film’s budget down from near $60 million to somewhere in the vicinity of $47 million.

The effort was helped by the delivery of the latest rewrite by Aaron Sorkin [your parents' Joss Whedon]. The participants seemed to take to heart the message of the Michael Lewis Moneyball book, which was about how Oakland A’s general manager Billy Beane hurt his playing career becoming a bonus baby phenom who signed for the money, and then remade himself as a baseball executive who fielded winning A’s teams with a fraction of the payroll that rivals were spending.  I’m told everybody took deal haircuts, including Brad Pitt, who is certainly getting less than the $15 million he signed on for when he originally agreed to play Beane.

As I wrote about Freakonomics, the problem with turning a research-based non-fiction book into a conventionally narrative feature is that they take a book that doesn’t look like a movie and go, “Hmm, how could we make this look like a movie? What does a movie look like?”  And the next thing you know, they’ve turned all the interesting insights and unique structure into 50 f*cked-out clichés and it looks like every sh*tty movie ever.  That was basically what Sony signed on for with the original Moneyball script from Stan Chervin and Steve Zaillian.  Then Steven Soderbergh came in and actually tried to make a movie that was unconventional like the book, and Sony bailed on it three days before shooting.  Brad Pitt’s Moneyballs were probably pretty blue at that point. Now, they’ve got a respected writer and director (the guy who wrote West Wing and the director of Capote) on board, and it’ll probably be an okay movie, but with little chance to innovate. Like it or not (and keep in mind, it sucked) The Blind Side has set the movement back ten years.  It’s basically the film equivalent of Two and a Half Men.  And that’s why God made Sandra Bullock’s husband f*ck a Nazi.  The lord works in mysterious ways.