Steven Soderbergh’s Contagion led all others at the box office over the weekend, knocking off The Help for the first time in three weeks, proving that the only thing America loves more than a hot white chick curing racism (THAT MAID’S CHANGIN’ YER LAAHFE) is watching Gwyneth Paltrow succumb to a mysterious disease (check out the new goop.com newsletter for the latest in designer rubber gloves and shabby chic sneeze guards).

Meanwhile, proving that no one listens to Peter Dante, no one went to see Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star, despite all his advice to the contrary. The Happy Madison product opened all the way down at number fifteen, with  $1.45 million. That was less than half of Happy Madison’s previous lows, Strange Wilderness and Grandma’s Boy (the latter of which was actually pretty decent, strangely). But it wasn’t ALL bad news, as Bucky Larson is currently tracking 0% on rottentomatoes.

FUN FACT: The average showing of Bucky Larson had slightly more than eight people. You could get more people to a fake funeral.

It’s a shame, because I always thought Nick Swardson was the funniest one in that crew. But also not a shame, because Bucky Larson looked like a Mexican sitcom (and not in a good way, where all of the women have preposterously ample cleavage). If Jack and Jill does this poorly when it opens in November, maybe Sandler can finally stop with this lowest common denominator experiment and get back to making comedy. I know, I know, I’m totally that YOU’VE CHANGED, BRO guy. But even conceding that I was thirteen at the time, I refuse to believe that “The Buffoon Meets the Dean of Admissions” wasn’t a watershed moment in comedy. “I LOOKED AT MY ASSH*LE IN THE MIRROR TODAY,” is my generation’s “Who’s On First.” I remember where I was the first time I heard “MY NEIGHBOR’S DOG HAS A FOUR-INCH CLIT” like it was the goddamned Kennedy assassination.

(full top 10 after the jump)

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Academy Award-winning director Steven Soderbergh apparently got drunk with Matt Damon a while back and told him that he was going to retire soon and become a painter. So of course that chatterbox Damon went around telling everyone that Soderbergh was hanging it up, and people were like, “Oh noes, that means Magic Mike and Channing Tatum’s tale of dong flapping is the end.” But don’t worry just yet, because there will be Soderbergh beyond C-Tates.

Despite telling the New York Times that he is retiring to explore “another art form,” Soderbergh still has a full plate. His “everybody’s going to die” virus thriller Contagion opens September 9, and his action effort Haywire, starring C-Tates and Gina Carano, will debut in January. After that, Magic Mike will hit theaters and then Soderbergh will finally retire.

That is, he will retire after he films a big screen version of The Man From U.N.C.L.E. and his Liberace biopic, starring Michael Douglas. Once those two projects are finished, though, he is so going to paint the f*ck out of some art. In fact, I even found a little sample of his latest work after the jump.

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“Hi! Uh… Can I take a picture of your boobs, I mean vagina, I mean costume?” -Comic Con in a nutshell

Whoa, it’s empty in here on weekends. That’s right, don’t adjust your monitor, I’m posting on a Saturday. I promise I won’t make a habit of it. It’s just that I’ve got so many photos from Comic-Con that I had to get a head start. Don’t worry, this is only the beginning. I’ll be back Monday with even more awesome cosplay and LARPing and pictures surreptitiously taken of girls’ butts. Haha, just kidding. …Or AM I?

People wonder if Comic-Con is just a giant convention where they’ve convinced people to pay to watch advertisements and trailers for films that will be online five minutes later. That’s a big part of it, the part that’s like a more-elaborate theater lobby, where you walk around looking at posters and glorified dioramas without actually seeing a movie. But the other part, the cool part, is the regular folk in their costumes (not the promo girls like in the banner pic, though they’re nice to look at). It’s pretty hard to be a cynical, jaded dick when you see how happy and earnest and adorable people are to be showing off their home-made costumes on the one day of the year where it’s encouraged. People will stop whatever they’re doing just to pose for a picture with a stranger, and seem to enjoy every minute of it. Just when I start to hate all the hype and marketing and people stepping on my feet, they always make me smile. Oh, and those girls in the banner pic were the Sushi Girls, whatever that means. And yes, they both had bikini-line tattoos. They did NOT enjoy it when I asked if they were scratch and sniff.

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"Yo fly Gina, now I'mma turn it sideways."

Gina Carano is currently on her way to Comic Con to make it 1,000% sexier but until Vince comes back with his inevitable interview with her, featuring questions like, “Why don’t you love me?” and “500 feet?!?!”, we’ll have to settle for some new images that have been released for her upcoming movie debut, Haywire. The film was originally supposed to be released earlier this year but has been pushed back to January 20, 2012 because of distribution and studio issues. It’s fine, though. We can wait forever for Gina.

Haywire also stars Ewan MacGregor, Michael F. Assbender, Antonio Banderas, Bill Paxton, and Michael Douglas. And, of course, our boy Channing Tatum. Carano plays Mallory Kane, an elite government agent who suddenly finds herself double-crossed by her bosses and partners.

After successfully freeing a Chinese journalist held hostage, she is double crossed and left for dead by someone close to her in her own agency. Suddenly the target of skilled assassins who know her every move, Mallory must find the truth in order to stay alive. Using her black-ops military training, she devises an ingenious—and dangerous—trap. But when things go haywire [That’s the name of the movie! – Ed.], Mallory realizes she’ll be killed in the blink of an eye unless she finds a way to turn the tables on her ruthless adversary. (Via Indiewire)

While that synopsis sure does sound fun, I thought I would take it a step further and ask our good friend Channing Tatum, or C-Tates as he had spelled in the platinum grill he gave me at the BET Awards, to walk us through these new Haywire photos.

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Jesus, how many movies did Steven Soderbergh make this year? He already has Haywire, starring my burly pretend lover Gina Carano coming out in January, and now here’s a trailer for Contagion, which opens in September. Maybe this one didn’t take as long, seeing as how it looks exactly like Outbreak (Update: It has come to my attention that our friend Mike at Screenrant has put together a mash-up on this very subject). The downside is that it has Gwyneth Paltrow in it. The upshot is that she dies in the middle of the trailer. Someone must’ve finally called her bluff and gave her a choice between that or letting her kid eat Cup-O-Soup.

Also keep your eyes peeled for the “SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT” scene at the 37-second mark. You know that scene. It’s where a minor character, who desperately craves clarification of something he already knows, prefaces a statement with “So let me get this straight…”, in order to deliver important exposition. It’s the fancy screenwriter way of saying, “Are you still with me here, dipsh*ts? Try to keep up.”

“SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: THERE’S A MISSILE THE SIZE OF THE CHRYSLER BUILDING FILLED WITH A DEADLY VIRUS… AND IT’S HEADED STRAIGHT FOR EIFFEL TOWER?”

“THAT’S RIGHT! …AND MY KID’S IN THERE!”

“LOOKS LIKE THIS TIME… IT’S PERSONAL.”

[next page: bonus gif]
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