All Steak No Sizzle

Steven Soderbergh’s 2011 output reminds me a lot of post-Pinkerton Weezer. I don’t want to speculate as to what hurt Soderbergh’s feelings the way Pinkerton’s poor sales and appearance on Rolling Stone’s worst albums of 1996 list (I’ll never forgive you for that, Rolling Stone) hurt Rivers Cuomo’s, but Haywire and Contagion feel like Soderbergh playing with genre movies, the same way everything after Pinkerton felt like experiments with different pop styles, rather than an earnest attempt to make personal music. Taking on less personal work a great way to pump out product quickly and not be too emotionally invested if it fails (because they’re essentially cover songs anyway), but you can sense the detachment. And a detached artist is… kind of boring.

Haywire is Soderbergh’s contribution to the Bourne/Hanna/Columbiana/Abduction sassy vengeance oeuvre, with the twist being that he cast former MMA star Gina Carano, one of the only pretty girls around who actually looks believable beating up grown men (the other? you guessed it, Maya Angelou). Adding believability is almost revolutionary in the hot-chick-beats-up-dudes genre, and Soderbergh, competent as always, does a solid job building a story that tracks, and never makes you go “what? That’s stupid.”

Only he forgot one key ingredient – fun. There seems to be a fundamental misunderstanding that Haywire‘s audience cares about which secret agent double crossed Agent Sexpunch (was it C-Tates? Banderas? Ew-Greg?), when really we just want to see her look sexy and punch stuff. There’s one truly transcendent fight scene in a hotel room that hits just the right note of intimate brutality, where Gina seems like she might f*ck you but will probably kill you, but the rest of the film just sort of chugs along clinically, hitting all the positions, but never quite giving you the full girlfriend experience.

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When I first heard Steven Soderbergh was making a movie based on the real-life story of Channing Tatum’s experiences as a 19-year-old male stripper, I tore off the warm-up pants I was wearing and helicoptered my wiener in excitement, which must’ve been a real treat for the other coffee shop patrons. The film is called Magic Mike, and it just released the first still, starring, from left, Joe Manganiello (this is my favorite picture of him), Alex Pettyfer aka Alex Pretty Fur, Matthew McConaughey, and Channing Tatum. Yes, Matthew McConaughey is actually in the movie, though it’s perfectly believable that he just happened to be dressed like that and wandered through the set on his way to a bongo circle.

Here’s the official synopsis (Soderbergh previously said he was using Saturday Night Fever as a model):

MAGIC MIKE
Director: Steven Soderbergh
Writer: Reid Carolin
Producers: Nick Wechsler, Gregory Jacobs, Channing Tatum, Reid Carolin

Cast: Alex Pettyfer, Matthew McConaughey, Matt Bomer, Joe Mangianello, Olivia Munn, Riley Keough, Cody Horn, Adam Rodriguez

Dramatic Comedy. Set in the world of male strippers, “Magic Mike” is directed by Steven Soderbergh and stars Channing Tatum (“Dear John,” “Step Up”) in a story inspired by his real life. The film follows Mike (Tatum) as he takes a young dancer called The Kid (Pettyfer) under his wing and schools him in the fine arts of partying, picking up women, and making easy money. [via Collider]

Damn, that sounds exactly how I mentored Burnsy as an Uproxx blogger. I expect this to be not only entertaining, but life affirming. YO TELL YOUR MOMS TO MAKE IT RAIN HUNDOS, SON, HOO! HOO!

It opens June 29, 2012, the same day as that other C-Tates joint, GI Joe 2. AW, SH*T, SON, EVERYTHING’S COMIN’ UP C-TATES, SKEET SKEET.

As we have often noted, FilmDrank favorite Channing Tatum is the hardest working man in show business because he keeps hammering out film after film, both as an actor and producer. After his latest critical turd, The Son of No One, flushes itself out of theaters, Tatum will be coming live and fresh with 21 Jump Street, Haywire and Magic Mike. The last two films, of course, were directed by Steven Soderbergh, who seems to have developed a little fondness for C-Tates as well.

The latest rumor has Tatum starring as Napoleon Solo in Soderbergh’s big screen adaptation of the classic TV series, “The Man From U.N.C.L.E.” The role was originally rumored to belong to People’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” me Bradley Cooper, but he has since detached himself, opening the door for Tatum. So what about the female roles? Who will C-Tates be getting his grind on with?

Two females being mentioned for parts have been Emily Blunt (who starred in “Wind Chill” by Gregory Jacobs, Soderbergh’s longtime producing partner) and Imogen Poots (from the Soderbergh executive produced “Solitary Man”), but there’s nothing concrete there yet. Potential female roles are the aforementioned civilian and Lisa Rogers, a female U.N.C.L.E. agent who appeared in the fourth season of the TV show.

(Via Indie Wire)

As always, there’s no point in speculating about the film when I can get the info straight from the horse’s mouf, our dear friend C-Tates…

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After the jump, burly MMA sex symbol (probably the only time I’ll ever mean that as a compliment) Gina Carano does her best Jason Statham impression in Steven Soderbergh’s Haywire, in the role of ass-kicking rogue government operative that would normally go to someone like The Stath (frickin’ Title IX). I don’t know about you, but to me it feels like Steven Soderbergh, somewhere along the line, between no one wanting to watch his two-part, four-hour movie about Ché Guevara, The Informant! being a disappointment at the box office (full disclosure: I thought it was great), and Sony pulling the plug on Moneyball a few days before filming (so that they could make the mind-numbingly conventional version they eventually made), Soderbergh decided, “You know what? Screw it. You don’t want me to try to do something unconventional? Fine. I’m gonna make the glorified B-movies everyone else makes and do a remake of Outbreak where Gwyneth Paltrow gets a graphic autopsy. Then I’m gonna shoot one of those dumb, chick-on-the-run movies, just so I can blow stuff up and watch Gina Carano’s boobs bounce while she triangles people. And you know what? It’s still gonna be better than Salt.”

(at this point I imagine him doing that “suck it” thing with his forearms over his crotch)

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Steven Soderbergh’s stable of stallions for Magic Mike is expanding once again, as WWE superstar Kevin Nash has joined Channing Tatum, Alex Pettyfer, Matthew McConaughey, and Matthew Bomer for one of the bulge-shakingest movies in history. But if you’re like me, you’ve yelled, “Enough with the casting news already, when am I going to get some man meat in my grill!” Well the gods have answered, friends, and Celebuzz has come to the rescue with new set photos of Tatum and Pettyfer preparing for action.

But as you can see above, the response indicates that there is clearly some confusion regarding who the hardest twerkin’ playboy in hoe bizzna$$ is. I mean, from where I’m sitting, it looks like people voted that Pettyfer is doper than C-Tates, but that can’t be, because ain’t nobody doper than C-Tates. He’s dope like the pope using soap on a rope, or so he’s told me.

Judge for yourself, and for best results play this video in another window.

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