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Last week we had a real-live director on and talked movies pretty much the whole time. This week… less so, but we did discuss movies. A little. Laremy returned, we talked about our trip to Chicago, Laremy and I talked Lincoln, and Laremy talked Skyfall and Life of Pi, Bret talked Wreck-It Ralph (SO MANY MOVIES OUT!), and we got a lengthy visit from the Angry Butterscotch Lady. Perhaps the highlight was when the Angry Butterscotch Lady got a visit from Interrupting David Lee Roth.

Here’s a Steven Seagal story, submitted by a Frotcast listener (obviously, big “ALLEGEDLY” in front of all of this):

A friend of a friend was working as a production assistant on the set of a Seagal movie about ten years ago. At one point the PA approached Seagal in his trailer to let him know they’d be shooting soon and to see if he needed anything. Seagal had his eyes fixed on the final pages of a script and interrupted his question with a raise of his index finger, saying nothing. After a few moments of awkward silence and his waiting finger unflinching he declared “I just finished the best fucking script I’ve ever read.” The PA asked curiously, “Oh, who wrote it?” He replied, “I did.”

No telling on what the content may have included but I’m willing to bet it did not keep track of space and time.

That does sound like Seagal. We always like to hear your personal encounters with celebrities (ESPECIALLY Seagal, Danzig, or Gary Busey), so definitely keep those coming.

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“Seagal to Arpaio, Seagal to Arpaio, repeat: I’ve spotted a Mexican.”

For all the crap Steven Seagal spouts about being spiritual and a Buddhist (he was actually recognized as the reincarnation of 17th century “revealer” Chungdrang Dorje in 1996), almost every first-hand story about him is about what a big bully he is, like that he broke Sean Connery’s wrist, or that he’s a sexual harasser, or a rapist, or that a stuntman who worked with him said “I know guys he has hurt to the point of having to have surgery,” or that he once killed Jesus’s puppy with a tank (Jesus Llovera, not Christ, but still). Point is, the story of Steven Seagal is shrouded in mystery, and sleeveless kimonos. John Leguizamo, who recently signed on for a cop comedy with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, has his own Steven Seagal story that he’s never been shy about telling, and recently, he retold it in even more detail in an interview with The AV Club:

AVC: You mentioned that Ghetto Klown grew out of these college talks where you were essentially riffing on your career, and the documentary mentions an anecdote about Steven Seagal from the making of Executive Decision but never quite gives it to us. What’s the story?

JL: Well the response from Seagal’s publicist was that if he sees me on the red carpet, he’s going to knock me out. [Laughs.] That was his response. And my response was that I wasn’t afraid because I haven’t seen him in a movie in years—which would make him really want to knock me out. He can fight. That’s the only downside to my comment: He can actually knock me out. He runs like a girl, but he hits like a 6-foot-5 dude who has trained his whole life.

I was doing this thing called Executive Decision and I was supposed to play the sergeant to his captain. The first day of rehearsal, there was the director [Stuart Baird], Joe Morton, B.D. Wong, Oliver Platt—we’re all big actors, we’re all big boys, we’re all experienced. And we start rehearsing and [Seagal] came in and was like, [low, breathy voice] “I’m in command. What I say is law.” So I started, like, [snorts]. I mean, who the f*ck talks like that? Who comes into rehearsal and says that sh*t? So I started laughing and he slammed me with an aikido elbow against a brick wall and knocked all the air out of me. I dropped to the ground, and all I could say was, [gasping] “Why? Why?” I really wanted to say that he runs like a bitch and has no hair, but I was afraid. [Laughs.] So on the days when we shot the scene where he died, I showed up so early. I wanted to see him die. It was like a fantasy.

Who talks like that? I’ll tell you who: a guy who’s… ABOVE THE LAW. (*elbow to the solar plexis*)

Maybe this is what Steven Seagal meant when he said, without a hint of sarcasm, that Above the Law was autobiographical. “Steven Seagal’s publicist,” Jesus Christ, that must be like being Kim Jong-Il’s fact checker.

What, you didn't know they made sleeveless kimonos? Steven Seagal knows a guy.

The story of martial arts legend Judo Gene Lebell supposedly choking Steven Seagal until he pooped himself (until Seagal pooped, that is) has been around almost as long as I’ve been alive, and has been covered twice before (here and here) on this very site, most recently when Judo Gene told the story himself. Depending on who you ask, it goes something like this: Seagal had supposedly been bragging about a surefire defense from a choke hold when he and Jude Gene were working together on a movie. Judo Gene tested him on it and it didn’t work out so well (for Seagal, or any bystanders with nostrils). However, Seagal recently spoke with our pal Ariel Helwani on the MMA Hour, and in between cryptic allusions to all the special techniques he’s been teaching Anderson Silva, the old poonani lover threw cold water on the old tale, saying the rumors of his defecation have been greatly exaggerated.

“I don’t even know if he is still alive. Is he still alive? I never knew this about him – either he is a pathological liar or he had somebody making up these stories. He came over to my trailer and I was with a guy called Conrad Palmisano who is still a legend, one of the greatest stunt co-ordinators in the history of Hollywood.

“[LeBell and I] were standing there talking about moves and stuff like that and we were just doing some stretching and he was showing me how you can stretch … he wanted to stretch my back and then I kind of flipped over the top of him and said ‘thank you for that.’

So I guess Judo Gene did a Judo throw on him? That’s how I interpreted that, but it’s hard to tell what the hell Steven Seagal is ever talking about.

“There was never any confrontation with him ever. In any way, shape or form. And I swear to god on my children – and they are the most precious thing in my life – if he is saying that he is a pathological scumbag liar. I keep answering that [question]. Either he made up this lie or someone made it up.

“When I first heard it was dumbfounded and so was Conrad Palmisano, who you are welcome to talk to, he was standing right there. He’s probably the most famous stunt co-ordinator in our business and a Vietnam veteran, a great salt of the earth and an honest, upright non-lying man.

There are other people who back up Lebell’s version of the story too, but in the world of stuntmen and martial artists, pretty much everyone seems like a self-aggrandizing BS artist, so who knows.

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This is a possibly-apocryphal story that’s been making the rounds for years, but it came up again recently, and since it is my stated goal to become the internet’s number one source for all things Steven Seagal, who am I to deny you?  The latest place the anecdote appeared was in an email to Earwolf radio.  The emailer, Nick Appelbaum, recounts the story, as told to him by his sensei, famous martial artist and stunt coordinator Judo Gene Lebell:

LeBell was working as a fight coordinator on Out for Justice.  Seagal had told everyone that due to his Aikido training, no one could choke him out.  When word got around to the 58-year-old LeBell, he proceeded to not only choke Seagal out, but also manipulate a pressure point on the star’s neck, causing him to wet his pants in front of the cast and crew.

TALK ABOUT A UNIQUE PHYSIOLOGICAL REACTION! (*bangs gong, pisses pants*)

Obviously, I would never let truth get in the way of a good Steven Seagal-pissing-his-pants story, but I do feel duty bound to throw a little cold water on this one.  First of all, the verifiable truth: Judo Gene did work on Out for Justice in 1990-1991, when he indeed would’ve been 58.  However, Judo Gene is somewhat infamous for telling tall tales, which rings true for a host of reasons, not the least of which being that he wrote an autobiography full of them.  Not to mention that the only bigger bullsh*tters than old-school martial arts instructors (especially back in the days when every martial arts practitioner was compelled to prove that his particular branch was superior) are guys who’ve been hanging around movie sets for 50 years trying to impress the teamsters, like Judo Gene.  I’ve also been training in some of Lebell’s main areas of expertise for four or five years now, and I can personally report that my instructors have yet to teach me the why-you-pissin-yourself lock (and not for lack of asking).  So is it true?  Maybe.  Judo Gene’s former neighbor and fellow fame-seeker Ric Drasin says it is, at least the Seagal-getting-choked-out part. Put it this way, the Seagal getting choked out part is believable, the Seagal-peeing-himself part seems more like an embellishment.  But a delightftul embellishment, certainly.  And who knows, if you combine Seagal’s alleged unique physiological reaction to arousal (maybe it’s peeing) with David Carradine’s love of getting choked, it’s quite possible Seagal was just so turned on by a 58-year-old man choking him that he up and pissed himself.  Hell, I just convinced myself.