Joe Arpaio, the Maricopa County (Arizona) Sheriff who somehow still has a job, is teaming up with his best buddy Steven Seagal to train a posse of first responders to deal with school shootings. Arpaio and Seagal are an almost too-perfect team for such a task, considering the last time they first responded to something, they brought four armored vehicles and an actual goddamned tank to break up a supposed cockfighting ring that turned out to be one dude named Jesus. He was home alone when the SWAT team burst in and killed 115 of his chickens and shot a puppy. So will Seagal and Arpaio be training responders in the art of puppy killing? This is like the Three Stooges if the consequences were real and Mo was a molesty, 300-pound Zen master in a bulletproof kimono.

Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio is planning a training exercise aimed at helping his volunteer posse members respond to school shootings.
Arpaio’s exercise Saturday at a closed school site in suburban Fountain Hills will simulate scenarios for posse members who volunteered for patrols that the sheriff launched last month just outside schools to guard against shootings.
Action-film star and posse member Steven Seagal will serve as an instructor at the event.
The sheriff hopes to have as many as 400 posse members and another 100 volunteers known as reserve deputies participate in the patrols.
Officers will portray gunmen during the training, while 25 teenagers will play the part of students.
Non-lethal projectile guns will be used in the exercise. [ABC15 via BAD]

Any idiot who lets Steven Seagal shoot him with a beanbag rifle deserves what he gets. I just hope Joe Arpaio is there to take over for Seagal when training those folks in the ever-important keeping-track-of-space-and-time element of first responding. With his famous inability to keep track of space and time, I like to imagine Steven Seagal getting a 911 call and then showing up to prehistoric Eurasia saying “I heard there’s been a shooting,” to a giant lizard.

“Listen, lizard, I know the truth about who killed the dinosaurs, but I’m not here to talk about that.”

Back in March, I told you about how Steven Seagal (filming for Steven Seagal: Lawman) was on hand for a raid in which Arizona police brought the SWAT team, four armored vehicles, and a tank (in which Seagal was riding) to break up a suspected cockfighting ring. If it seems like a slight case of overkill, call it a rare lapse in good judgment for the department who deputized an overweight former actor with a unique physiological reaction to arousal who can’t keep track of space and time. At the time, Seagal told local news, “Animal cruelty is one of my pet peeves.”

Well sure. I bet it’s right up there with mortality and light mayo. Unfortunately, the raid was a disaster. The suspect, Jesus Sanchez Llovera, was home alone and unarmed at the time, and 115 chickens had to be euthanized on the spot (whether by front kick or otherwise, it’s still unclear). Now Sanchez says he’s innocent, and that he was only raising the chickens for show (mm hmm, show chickens, sure, buddy). He claims his 11-month-old puppy was shot and killed during the raid, and wants $100,000 from Seagal and the Maricopa County Sheriff’s department run by Joe Arpaio.

The notice of claim is the first step towards a lawsuit — and Jesus’ lawyer tells us his client is demanding $100,000 for the damage and he wants Seagal to issue a “formal written apology” to his children “for the death of their 11-month old puppy, a beloved family pet.” [TMZ]

New York Post-ready headline? STEVEN SEAGAL KILLS JESUS’S PUPPY. Eat your heart out, Chuck Norris facts.

^{“This next song is dedicated to the panties I found stuck under my left manboob last Thursday.”}

Mere weeks after I publicly demanded a Steven Seagal reality show, A&E has risen to the challenge.  From the press release:

Hollywood action man Steven Seagal is to take part in a new reality series which will chronicle his little-known role as a police officer in Louisiana.

The Under Siege star has been a fully commissioned deputy at the state’s Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s Office for the last 20 years.

As well as going out on patrol, Seagal is said to be an expert marksman, working with the force’s Swat team, and has instructed officers in firearms and hand-to-hand combat.

The new show, which has been commissioned by America’s A+E network, will be titled Steven Seagal: Lawman and will follow the actor as he fights crime in Louisiana.

That’s right, the Louisiana SWAT team is taking advice from a guy who nearly walked out of an appearance at Best Buy because the lights were too bright.  I can’t wait for his first lecture, Chasing After People: How Far is Too Far? Subtopics will include: Catching Your Breath, Dealing With a Hangover, Adding Holes to Your Gun Belt, and How a Grimace Can be Your Best Weapon.

Also: I hope one of the episodes involves catching this lovable scamp.

[Thanks to Jessica for the tip - Photo Source]