But first… WE DANCE!

Last week I told you about the Deputy Russian Prime Minister’s plan to make Steven Seagal the face of the Russian arms industry (note to Russia: using Steven Seagal as a spokesperson is NOT the way to paint yourself as a modern commercial power). Unfortunately, the translation of the DPM’s statement was reduced to a convoluted quote about Seagal using his teeth to wage corporate warfare or something.

Luckily The Guardian went to Seagal for a follow-up quote, and for once in his life Steven Seagal actually helped clarify something.

“My friend Igor Kesayev invited me here. On his request, I will feature in adverts for Kovrov weapons for the US,” the Russian tabloid Komsomolskaya Pravda reported Seagal as saying. “I trust Kesayev. Whatever’s put in my hands, I will advertise.”

Well if there’s one thing we know Steven Seagal can do, it’s hold a gun and stand in front of stuff. You could really just turn any of his movie posters into a gun ad.

Kesayev – who has an estimated fortune of $2bn (£1.3bn), according to Forbes magazine – controls the Degtyaryov factory, which has made weapons including machine guns and rifles since 1916.

He is one of a series of influential Russians with whom the 61-year-old Seagal, the star Hard to Kill and Under Siege, appears to have bonded with: in recent months he has been seen hobnobbing with the Russian president, Vladimir Putin, and the Chechen leader Ramzan Kadyrov.

In March, Putin showed Seagal a newly built martial arts complex in Moscow, which was created to promote physical education among young Russians. After the event, the president’s official spokesman said Putin and Seagal had long been friends.

The actor told a Russian online TV channel that he had Russian relatives. “I’m Russian, I love Russia, I love Russian people, and I love your president. I really like that he does so much to support martial arts in Russia,” Seagal told the Dozhd TV channel.

Although an improbable intermediary between two former cold war enemies, Seagal is building a reputation as a favoured go-between for Russian and US officials. [Guardian]

Ah yes, and who better for US officials to rely than a delusional actor who pals around with strongmen and Russian billionaires? And I bet Kesayev made his billions selling arms only to law-abiding patriarchs just trying to hunt and protect their families too. God, what a world. I weep for the state of leadership in our country, and yet, I can’t help but be somewhat cheered by the prospect of even more pictures of Steven Seagal looking silly. As Democracy turns to ashes, Steven Seagal front kicks the embers.

Read the rest of this entry »

This might have missed the attention of you skimmers, so I’m just going to leave it here again to jumpstart your weekend. The dancing looks hard and stuff but I don’t think I fully appreciate it until I see Seagal’s take. Gone are the spins, the pivots, the grace, the respect, the energy. He’s doing a lot of swatting, slapping, and that thing kids do (specifically Trevor) where they just see how fast they can move their arms around. “Nah, I haven’t been practicing this arm-jolt for hours, just check out my natural reflexes.” After at least 12 seconds, Seagal stops just short of Full Cardiac Explosion, bows, and walks away like he’s leaving a defeated buffet’s bathroom. “I think this is my favorite dancing in the world,” he sighs, an expert (excuse me sir hast though ne’er Twerk’d?). Exhilarated. The Chechens roar. This is the world we live in.

-NOMINATE for Comments of the Week.
-FOLLOW Vince on Twitter.
-FAN US at Facebook.
-SUBSCRIBE to the Frotcast.

The Morning Links
What Are Timberlake, Jay-Z, Nas, And Timbaland Laughing About In This Mysterious Photo? |UPROXX|

This ‘Princess Bride’/’Game Of Thrones’ Mash-Up Is Perfect |Warming Glow|

Quirky Girl Crap I Am Sick Of, A Brief List |Film Drunk|

People Still Think This Picture Of Manu Ginobili With A ‘F*ck LeBron’ Sign Is Real |With Leather|

More Revealing Photos Tweeted From The ‘X-Men: Days Of Future Past’ Set |Gamma Squad|

Watch This News Reporter Make A Run For It When Pit Bulls Attack |Smoking Section|

The Definitive Post-Breakup Guide |Kissing Suzy Kolber|

Teen Mom Farrah is in a bikini again. Sort of anti-climactic after the whole anal sex tape thing. |TheSuperficial|

20 Towns Named for Other Towns But Pronounced Differently |Mental Floss|

Abolish the MLB Draft! |Grantland|

5 Conspiracy Theories That Are Shockingly Easy to Debunk |Cracked|

11 badass mountain gear items. |Mademan|

The 50 greatest viral yearbook photos in history. |Ranker|

Actors who nearly got the part, in pictures. |Chive|

The Man and Glenn Howerton Share an Eternal Handshake |College Humor|

6 Pop Culture Players We Wrote Off Too Soon |Pajiba|

The Worst Driver in Russia |Clip Nation|

“Pssst… I have a pirogi in my pocket in case you get hungry later.”

Steven Seagal famously has a unique physiological reaction to arousal, collects ornate saddles, drives tanks, sings reggae, trains psychotic vigilantes, collaborates with the CIA (allegedly), and works tirelessly to promote immortality, so perhaps it’s no wonder than he can keep track of neither space nor time. Point being, there’s never a dull moment in the life of Steven Seagal, and today is no different, as none other than Russia’s Deputy Prime Minister has suggested publicly that Steven Seagal could become the “face of Russia’s arms industry.”

Dude, have you seen Steven Seagal’s face?

Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin said action movie star Seagal could lead an international marketing campaign for the Degtarev arms plant, according to the Associated Press, citing Russian news agencies. Rogozin accompanied the actor on a visit to the plant Tuesday.

“You’re ready to fight American [manufacturers] with your teeth and your intellect, and if Americans are prepared to promote and support you, that says we’re learning new ways to work on corporate warfare markets,” the AP quoted Rogozin as saying. [LA Times]

Boy, I hope something was lost in translation there, because that’s one of the most confusing and convoluted public statements I’ve heard outside North Korean propaganda. So… Steven Seagal is going to “fight” American manufacturers with his “teeth and intellect?” Those are two of the last things I’d expect Steve Seagal to fight with. If Steven Seagal is fighting nowadays, I’d expect the weapons to include aikido, a bulletproof kimono, and half a meatball parm.

“Alright, punk, let’s settle this once and for all. I’ll meet you yesterday, high noon, Beijing.”

Read the rest of this entry »

If there’s one constant in the world, it’s that militaristic strongmen love crappy action movies. So it is that Steven Seagal is good buddies with both Vladimir Putin and Ramzan Kadyrov, the strongman ruler of the Chechen province charged with putting down the strong Islamic and separatist insurgency there. A delegation of US congressmen recently visited the region to see if they could learn anything about the radical Islamism that may have helped spawn the Boston Marathon bombings. Amazingly, when they got there, they had some of their meetings with the Russian security apparatus set up by Steven Seagal, the old poonani lover himself. As it turns out, the leaders accused of human rights abuses are actually totally righteous dudes, according to some congressmen who spent a few days partying with them and Steven Seagal.

The congressman (Dana Rohrbacher, a California Republican, pictured) repeatedly thanked Seagal, who took credit for arranging the congressmen’s meeting at the FSB, and said it helped avoid the experience of past foreign trips when all of the meetings had been arranged by the U.S. Embassy.

“You know what we got? We got the State Department controlling all the information that we heard,” Rohrabacher said. “You think that’s good for democracy? No way!”

“We don’t need the State Department controlling the information we see, that’s bad for democracy!  We need the information controlled by the counter-intelligence wing of the repressive Russian government!”

The action movie star escorted the congressmen on a trip Saturday to the site of a terrorist attack in the Caucasus town of Beslan, where militants seized a school in 2004 and took more than 1,000 people hostage, most of them children. More than 330 hostages died, most of them when federal troops stormed the school.

Seagal had invited the delegation to visit Chechnya, but the trip was called off in part because U.S. House rules would have prevented the congressmen from flying on his private plane, Rohrabacher said.

The Kremlin has given Kadyrov lavish funding and political carte blanche to fight terrorism since he came to power in 2005. Activists accuse him and his feared security forces of staggering abuses, including torture, kidnappings and murder.

“All these accusations are thrown around,” said Seagal, who was given a lavish welcome in Kadyrov’s palace. “Is there any evidence? Has he been indicted?”

“Seriously, I’m genuinely curious. I don’t even know where I am right now, or when.”

Steve Cohen, a Tennessee Democrat said he had refused to go to Chechnya for these reasons. But Rohrabacher, who chairs the U.S. Foreign Affairs’ Subcommittee on Europe, Eurasia and Emerging Threats, said the United States should be more understanding of the threats facing Kadyrov and Putin.

“If you are in the middle of an insurrection with Chechnya, and hundreds of people are being killed and there are terrorist actions taking place and kids are being blown up in schools, yeah, guess what, there are people who overstep the bounds of legality,” he said.

While the rule of law is important, Rohrabacher added, “We shouldn’t be describing people who are under this type of threat, we shouldn’t be describing them as if they are Adolf Hitler or they’re back to the old Communism days.”

Rohrabacher and Rep. Steve King were full of praise for Russian Orthodox Christian traditions after attending a service at Moscow’s main cathedral on Sunday morning. The cathedral became a rallying point for Putin supporters and the opposition alike last year when punk group Pussy Riot staged an impromptu protest against Putin’s merging of church and state, earning them worldwide notoriety and a two-year prison sentence for “hooliganism.”

“It’s hard to find sympathy for people who would do that to people’s faith,” King said.

So, freedom of speech = bad, Russian government repression = justified. Weren’t these the same guys who had a big boner for Red Dawn not so long ago? The amazing thing is that when the congressmen were talking, you could barely see Putin’s lips move, or his hand up their asses. Anyhoo, what else did you guys find out about the radicalism of the Boston bombers, since that was the point of your big trip…

Read the rest of this entry »

Some internet genius has one-upped us all today, taking Under Siege and recutting it as a silent film. We’ve seen some silent movie edits before, but this is magical. Consider the source. Under Siege was a landmark film for a number of reasons. For one thing, it was the high-water mark of Steven Seagal’s career – he was working with TWO Oscar nominees! – after which it would be all downhill, when word of his unique physiological reactions  spread around and he was relegated to the undercards of Hollywood and could no longer keep track of space or time. But the early 90s was a more innocent, more ponytailed time. Then there was the unforgettable naked Erika Eleniak popping out of a cake, a scene that doesn’t need me to justify its historical import. Which is to say nothing of the plot itself, the archetypal “ship’s cook saves the day,” which became so iconic that a lying pastor in Pennsylvania eventually tried to pass it off as his life story, and was used in at least six more straight-to-DVD Seagal movies. This film should be required viewing in high school classrooms.

Read the rest of this entry »