Ever since we made that gallery of all of Steven Seagal’s posters and movie taglines, we’ve been trying to come up with the perfect graphic illustration of the archetypal Steven Seagal plot. For instance, we discovered that the perfect Seagal movie poster has:

• Steven Seagal holding a weapon (usually a pistol) with a dumb look on his face
• Three-word title (Out for Justice, Marked for Death, Above the Law, etc.)
• Awesome tagline (“They started this… he’ll finish it.)
• Burning foreign city in the background

Reader Charlie recently emailed the frotcast after having put all of Steven Seagal’s movie titles into a word-cloud creator (you can see that below). I thought that was a great idea, so I extended it from just title to title, tagline, and synopsis. That’s the one above. There are a few glitches (don’t ask me why there are two “kills”, or why it counted “es” as a word), but I think it’s pretty clear that Steven Seagal likes to play an UNDERCOVER MILITARY AGENT named JOHN who likes to KILL CHINESE people.

As someone on Twitter points out: “This would make a great set of fridge magnets.”

My God, the restraint it must've taken not to give that silhouette a crotch bulge...

Last week on the Frotcast, we stumbled onto the topic of Steven Seagal movies and their interchangeable, generic titles. We challenged you, the reader/listener, to submit your own. I think it all started when I told the story of being home sick from school when I was kid and renting all the Seagal movies I hadn’t seen yet. We rented Out for Justice, which I thought I hadn’t seen, but it turned out Marked for Death, which was still at the video store, was actually the one I hadn’t seen. At which point I cried, because I really had my heart set on watching a new Steven Seagal movie. Or maybe it was the other way around. Or maybe one of them was Hard to Kill. Point being, Steven Seagal movie titles are hilariously similar.

BUT. Did you know just HOW hilariously similar? I’m going to make you a bet. I’m going to bet that no matter how similar you thought Steven Seagal movies were, this gallery of Steven Seagal posters is still going to blow your mind with its hilarious formulaitude. In fact, if I were writing a Steven Seagal movie about writing a Steven Seagal movie, it would go something like this.

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In honor of our new commenting system (more new features still to come, including threaded replies, badges, and direct messaging), on Tuesday we staged both a caption contest for the above picture for a $150 Amazon Gift Card), and a random drawing (for a $100 gift card).

Our random number generator selected number 42, a comment belonging to Elderberry Hamster — (which, although not caption-contest-winner-worthy, was still a respectable level of funny).

Elderberry Hamster says: The only photo evidence from the Flock of Seagals first and only concert.

Meanwhile, here’s your winner of the caption contest:

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As I mentioned yesterday, we’ve rolled out a new commenting system here on FilmDrunk (and across Uproxx). As evidenced by years of past Comments of the Week posts, we’ve never had trouble getting you to comment, but the system needed an upgrade. The new system allows you to have a universal log-in across all Uproxx sites, the ability to log-in via Twitter and Facebook, and the ability to create detailed profiles with enlargeable avatars. Eventually we’ll even have direct messaging and badges. BADGES!

Still, we’re sorry we made you re-register. And just to make sure this stays the awesome community it is, we’re sweetening the pot to give you even more incentive to register (or re-register) and crack-wise (as if hearing yourself type wasn’t incentive enough).

First, we’re going to randomly select someone. Anyone who registers and comments in the post below will have a chance to win a $100 Amazon gift certificate, chosen at random (if you leave a thousand unfunny comments I’m going to ban you).

Secondly, since what makes FilmDrinking great isn’t a thousand obnoxious, uninformed comments and asinine 13-year-old arguments like YouTube, but quality, clever commenters, we’ll be throwing a caption contest and giving the winner a $150 gift certificate. I tried to throw you a softball, so check out the picture below and give it your best shot.

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Nothing entertains me more than Steven Seagal’s wild claims, like having invented the front kick, or correctly predicting every UFC fight. But credit where credit’s due, he did get sort-of thanked by both Lyoto Machida and Anderson Silva, for sort of kinda teaching them a kick they mostly already knew. Recently, Seagal showed up to UFC 139 to watch Jon Jones, whom Seagal calls “a friend,” despite Jones declining Seagal’s offer to train him before the fight. I don’t want to take Seagal-Kun out of context, but he did repeat the “friend” thing like three times. Here’s a partial transcript of his interview with Ariel Helwani after the fight:

[answering Helwani's question about why Seagal was there] “These guys are my friends too, I’m just teachin em, but they’re my friends too.”
Helwani: I noticed him [Jones] go for the front kick to the face there, did you see that as well?
Seagal: Yeah, him and I did talk about that, but he… he… hasn’t, you know, he hasn’t learned it yet. [laughing] And I haven’t taught it.
Helwani: When did you speak to him?
Seagal: Uh, yesterday? Day before yesterday?
Helwani: Wow, so you actually have a relationship with Jon Jones?
Seagal: Well, he’s a kind of a friend.
Helwani: How do you think Jones would match up against Anderson Silva? What do you think about that fight?
Seagal: I don’t really want to see that fight. Because Anderson’s a close, close friend, and Jon’s a friend… I’d rather that they don’t fight.

With that in mind, here’s what Jon Jones told Jim Rome yesterday:

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