Here are some more of today’s stories that, instead of covering completely, I’m just going to gently waft my farts onto:

Clint Eastwood in talks to direct J. Edgar Hoover biopic.  Ron Howard and Brian Grazer will produce, with screenplay by Milk‘s Dustin Lance Black.  Little known fact: the J in J. Edgar Hoover stands for ‘Jackin’ off in women’s underwear.’  |HollywoodReporter|

- RELATED ASYLUM POLL: What’s your favorite Clint Eastwood-directed movie?

Jason Segel and Ed Helms teaming up for Duplass Brothers movie.  Jeff Who Lives at Home has been described as “a Sword in the Stone-style quest movie about a stoner’s search for some wood glue. The story takes place over the course of one day, and follows two brothers, one a loser who lives at home (Segel)  and the other more together but overbearing” (Helms).”  So basically, a mumblecore version of Stepbrothers.  I still haven’t seen a mumblecore film, the same way I refuse to find out what “steampunk” means.  |SlashFilm|

Steve Martin to join Jack Black and Owen Wilson in birdwatching comedy.  “Based on a 1998 book “The Big Year: A Tale of Man, Nature and Fowl Obsession, it is about three men who try to outdo each other in a bird-watching competition to spot the rarest birds in North America.”  Said The Stafe, “Where Oy is from, it ain’t about ‘oo sees da fit birds, it’s about ‘oo knobs ‘er onda ‘ood of ‘is sazz wagon, donnit.” |HollywoodReporter|

Some dude from Twilight and some other dudes star in new Calvin Klein campaign aimed at abrasive gays. Seriously, this is weird. |Vulture|

John Krasinski’s set to star in Something Borrowed opposite Ginnifer Goodwin.  Looks like someone read my How to Write a Rom-Com article. |THR|

Korean pop star Rain set to star in remake of Sydney Pollack’s The Yakuza. It’s really good casting, because I imagine The Yakuza will be about Asian people. |Pajiba|

And finally, that autistic British ogre filmed herself watching a Twilight video again.

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When the Oscars takes place on March 7th, it will be hosted by Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin.  It seemed a little weird when it was announced, like it was planned to promote that crappy movie they were in together, but I’m still less worried about them being hosts than I am about the telecast being produced by a guy who frequently breaks down in tears while judging So You Think You Can Dance.  Nonetheless, it seems he actually had an interesting idea for the show:

The always-candid Adam Shankman revealed on NPR that when he and Mechanic first met for lunch, they immediately agreed that the person who should host the show would be none other than Sacha Baron Cohen.  Would Cohen have appeared as himself — the Cambridge-educated Brit who was nominated for an Oscar three years ago for writing “Borat”? Or as one of his comedy alter egos? Unfortunately, we’ll never know. For, Shankman said, just as quickly as they told the Academy of their idea, “the Academy swatted it down. They thought it was too big of a wild card.” [Yahoo]

Poor Sacha, it’d be a much more interesting telecast with the possibility of something unpredictable happening.  It’s a shame — when is a Jew finally going to catch a break in this town?

(“Fill up momma’s wine glass and I’ll show you what I like to call the Streeptease.”)

Writer/Director Nancy Meyers writes the kind of movies (What Women Want, Something’s Gotta Give, The Holiday) that my mom forces me to watch that I end up resenting her for a little bit.  This is the new trailer for her latest, starring Meryl Streep, Steve Martin, and Alec Baldwin (good), whose title is a copy of either a Facebook relationship status, an Avril Lavigne song, or a Denise Richards reality show (bad).  Coming Christmas Day, It’s Complicated.  Have you ever wanted to hear Alec Baldwin deliver lines that start with “O M G”? (no)  Did you ever wish you’d see Meryl Streep and Alec Baldwin making out in an elevator? (no)  Were you hoping Steve Martin would get hip to webcam chat? (no)  Well then this movie is for you! (not me).

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The Oscars hosts have been officially announced, and it will be Steve Martin, hosting his third Oscars, paired with Alec Baldwin in his first.  It seems like an okay, if boring choice.  Until you read this:

The pairing of Mr. Baldwin and Mr. Martin comes with a self-referential twist: The two are cast as rivals for the affection of a character played by Meryl Streep in a romantic comedy, “It’s Complicated,” which is directed by Nancy Meyers and is set for release by Universal Pictures on Christmas Day. [NYTimes]

Oof.  I hope we aren’t choosing hosts by who has a movie to promote now.  But I’ll save the conspiracy theories for when we talk about how the CIA wanted to assassinate Kennedy with an AIDS monkey.  Truth is, these hosts are sorta meh, just like the Oscars itself is sorta meh.  I was excited back when Dave Letterman was set to host, just like I was excited when Chris Rock and Jon Stewart were set to host.  But what happened?  Not a lot.  It’s an impossible gig because you’re trying to make jokes about people on the night when they’re taking something that’s supposed to be fun super seriously.  The closest they ever got to spontaneity was when Chris Rock made a Jude Law joke and Sean Penn ran onstage to complain that he didn’t get to be on the committee that decided whether it was okay to tell a joke or not.  Bottom line, short of getting Tracy Morgan to host and letting him ad-lib stories from his childhood to introduce categories (seriously, make this phone call now), nothing all that interesting is going to happen.

Great news, everyone.  Steve Martin has been nominated for six International Bluegrass Music Association Awards for his banjo album, The Crow: New Songs for the Five-String Banjo.  Half of which was already released 28 years ago, according to The Globe and Mail:

The album’s subtitle is deceiving – many of the songs are not new, but rerecorded versions of tunes from his 1981 comedy album The Steve Martin Brothers, which featured a complete side of banjo tracks recorded in the seventies. [Ed. - That sounds rip-roaringly funny.  I'm sure people who bought a comedy album weren't disappointed at all.]

I tell you what.  I’m just fine with this.  In fact, I hope he wins all six IBMA awards.  Keep him focused on this banjo thing so he doesn’t make Pink Panther 3: Pink Pimpin’ it in Da Hood.  Peter Sellers is and always will be Clouseau, and I will fight to the death mild discomfort anyone who says otherwise.

Below is a clip from The Pink Panther followed by a clip from The Jerk (with stranger-in-the-alps-style TV edits).  What the hell happened? He seems to have forgotten the difference between sh-t and shinola.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Who is your favorite stand up comedian turned movie star?

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