Do you want to see Steven Seagal do a Southern accent and slit a guy’s throat with a karate chop? Of course you do. All you need to know about this trailer is that it’s called Maximum Conviction, and it stars Steven Seagal and Stone Cold Steve Austin. It hits DVD and Blu-Ray March 18th, and it looks like it was made for about 18 dollars. It opens with Steven Seagal doing a syrupy southern drawl, and if you’ve never heard Steven Seagal’s dialect work before, you’re in for a treat. Russian, Italian, Asian, Latino, American Indian – Steven Seagal can play virtually any race unconvincingly. This time around, it seems they spun the Steven Seagal wheel of jobs and it landed, as it so often does, on “ex-special forces.” Judging by the shemagh scarf thing he wears when training fat, racist Arizonans in tactical paintball, Steven Seagal pretends to be an ex-special forces op on a daily basis, so he should have no problem doing it in a movie (he also claims to have worked with the CIA, incidentally).

Meanwhile, Steve Austin plays a “weapons expert,” and together, they have to fight their way through a “black-site” prison full of high-value detainees when some bad guys take it over and lock them inside. They’re going to need all their wits if they’re going to make it out alive, and all of their punching and kicking. We also get:

• Karate chops to the throat

• Boxed ears

• Ripped-out Adam’s Apples

• Kicks to da groin (danga da danga dang...)

• A move at the 1:10 mark where I think Seagal just gets tired of punching and crushes the guy by taking a rest on top of him with his bloated body.

Pay special attention to the 48-second mark where Seagal actually slits a guy’s throat with a karate chop. GO GO GADGET KNIFE HANDS! It’s funny, I was under the impression that high-value detainees would be mostly bombmakers and terrorist masterminds, you know, guys that plan attacks and stuff. But it turns out, they’re mostly Russian gangsters and big black guys. But Steven Seagal was in the CIA, so I guess he would know this stuff. You learn something new every day.

Read the rest of this entry »

In Damage, Stone Cold Steve Austin plays John Brickner, an ex-con who “beats other men into submission for money” and has “size-13 fists.”  Did I miss something?  Do gloves have numbered sizes now?  Did the writers just think a random number they pulled out of their ass sounded tougher than “extra large”?  And if so, why not size-96 fists, or size-bajillion fists?  ‘Size bajillion’ would’ve way better.  You just know people would hear that and think, “Did he say ‘size bajillion??’  I don’t know what that means, but it sounds pretty darn big!”

Anyway, I’m getting pretty bored with these underground mma fight club movies.  But you wanna know what’s never boring?  A bear playing the trumpet.  See what I mean below.
Read the rest of this entry »