This week in posters is back, and just in time for some new Spring Breakers posters. I’ll be honest, I’m struggling to say anything about this besides Ashley Benson’s name while I bit my knuckle, but instead I’ll simply say that a teeny-bopper movie with a bunch of Disney Channel queens from notorious dicknosers Harmony Korine and James Franco is something I’d pay at least double the price of admission for. I’m dying to know what glorious dicknose is in store for us with this one.
Also, these chicks are all like 18 to 22, aren’t they? Do we really need all the airbrushing? Cut it out with the filters, I want to see every dimple. Uh, I mean… airbrushing is a sexist tool of the patriarchy that promotes an unhealthy body image among impressionable young girls. (Phew, good save, Mancini, good save). Read the rest of this entry »
It really didn’t take much reading between the lines to discover that Robert Pattinson secretly hates Twilight, and now, thanks to the magic of the supercut, we have a mountain of evidence in one, handy-dandy video. It’s totally relevant, because just as someone sent it to me, I was reading a Hollywood Reporter piece on all the Twilight actors describing Twilight. Most of them do the usual full-of-sh*t actor thing, but see if you can detect the difference between Pattinson and the rest:
Kristen Stewart: “I do find that the reason it’s really sparked and caught and really spread is because it’s such a vivacious experience,” the actress says. “It’s rare.” “We’d just be creating phenomenons every day if we had the equation for [what makes Twilight so successful].”
Jackson Rathbone: “It’s the duality, I think,” says Rathbone of Meyer’s success. “Within The Host she has this character that’s of two minds and throughout the entire Twilight Saga, you’ve got a girl that’s in love with two guys. It’s interesting, that duality in human nature.”
If you need to make up some artsy-sounding nonsense, “duality” is always a good option.
Robert Pattinson: “She’s very personal in her writing to the point where it almost feels too personal.”
There you have it, Robert Pattinson is the only sane one.
I know what you guys are thinking, the last Twilight movie is just weeks away, and then it will be gone, a hole left in your heart like the time your cat Renesmee tried to kill you and your husband had to beat it to death with his C-Pap mask. But chins up, there’s more Stephenie Meyer goodness on the horizon! Here’s the first full trailer for The Host, based on the book by Stephenie Meyer, directed by In Time’s Andrew Niccol and starring that chick from Atonement, Slainte Ronin I think her name is, about a future where aliens are taking over humans’ bodies. At least, until they try to take over the body of one white chick, WHOSE LOVE IS SO POWERFUL IT COULD CHANGE EVERYTHING!
“Human bodies take a lot of getting used to. They’re not like the others we have inhabited. Their emotions are powerful.”
In a recent interview with Hitfix, Taylor Lautner called the werewolf-on-infant love affair in Twilight Breaking Dawn a “touchy subject,” and if I could rig this headline to make a slide-whistle sound when you clicked it, I totally would. You may recall that the plot of Breaking Dawn involves Jacob the Shirtless Werewolf (wolves have higher body temperatures, you see) falling in love with Bella and Edward’s telepathic, half-vampire fetus, Renesmee, a process called “imprinting.” A dirty ethnic wolf that wants nothing more than to bang your sparkling white baby before it’s even born might be considered problematic by some, but who better to ask for clarification than Taylor Lautner, a guy with all the charisma of an old shoe? Tell us, how did you deal with this idiotic premise, shoe?
“I was nervous about that one, because imprinting is a very complicated and touchy thing. Ummm, so. It helped, because we had Stephenie Meyer, who created this whole imprinting thing on set with us the whole time. Trust me, I picked her brain quiiite a bit about it, and that made me feel a lot more comfortable.”
If Taylor Lautner is ever comfortable I’d hate to see what uncomfortable looks like. This guy acts like a robot that’s been raised by gay publicists.
“Stephenie told me, stop trying to complicate it, to just keep it simple, to think of it as a lifelong bond between two human beings, and to not think about where it’s going and what’s going to happen, because right now, at this stage, he’s really more of a protector, he protects Renesmee.”
I’ve never seen a Twilight movie in theaters before, but I’m thinking of busting my cherry on this one. It looks potentially like the funniest movie of the year. I mean just look at this:
RUN, BELLA! YOU’VE ANGERED THE COUNCIL OF MALL GOTHS!
Pretty much every frame I’ve seen so far has been unintentional humor of the highest level. I imagine the rest of the film is just the characters exchanging “who farted” looks.
AH LUFF YEW, BALLA! AH AM YER HOSE BEND AND NOW YEW ARE MAH VAMPAHR!
The trailer for the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is out, and while part one focused on Dawn as a metaphor for Bella’s hymen, the latest chapter focuses less on Bella and Edward’s relationship (GRRR, ABSTINENCE-INDUCED FEATS OF STRENGTH!) and more on their conflict with the Volturi. The Volturi are pissed about their baby, presumably because they named it “Renesmee.” Make your money now, Stephenie Meyer, one day you’ll be paying a class-action suit against all the white-trash kids named Renesmee.
After the birth of Renesmee, the Cullens gather other vampire clans in order to protect the child from a false allegation that puts the family in front of the Volturi.The astonishing conclusion to the series, THE TWILIGHT SAGA: BREAKING DAWN, PART 2, illuminates the secrets and mysteries of this spellbinding romantic epic that has entranced millions.
