With The Hunger Games poised to pick up the young-chick-lit-for-adults mantle from Twilight when the movie hits today, it’s time for Stephenie Meyer to ride her sparkly horse of abstinence off into the sunset, right? WRONG. Stephenie Meyer ain’t goin nowhere, son. The Host, Meyer’s 2008 novel written while editing Eclipse (the second to last Twilight book), is also the subject of a film adaptation coming next year. And if Meyer’s writing isn’t your bag, it’s being directed by Andrew Niccol of In Time, which I heard was great (*armpit fart*). It’s hard to tell much about it from the teaser below, but I gather that the theme is, uh… eyeballs. (This might be the least teasing teaser ever).

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OH ADWERD. AM SO WAIT FOR DAY YEW SAX ME! MAH BALLY IZ IN CRUMBLES.

We’ve seen a teaser, a teaser for the trailer, a trailer, and now this, the first clip from Twilight: Breaking Dawn, part one of Stephenie Meyers’ world famous Snorkels the Vampire Fetus saga. In this installment, Edward and Bella return from their wedding and flirt, as foreplay for their bed-breaking, feats-of-strength-filled, supernatural abstinence sex. Are you excited??? SO AM I!! Let’s just get straight to the clip and the captions, because god dammit, these retarded Mormon vampire sex clips are like Christmas for me.

AH NOW PRONOUNZ YEW MR. AND MRS. BALLA!

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The trailer for Snorkels the Vampire Fetus, aka The Twilight Saga Breaking Dawn Part One, the first half of the last chapter in Stephenie Meyer’s story of abs and abstinence, landed online late last night. To recap, in this one, Edward, the 100-year-old vampire, finally marries his high school sweetheart, Bella, who he’s been saving himself for, because her heartburn face and white girl scent drives him crazy. So crazy that he doesn’t trust himself to control his bloodlust or boner shame. But now that they’re married, he can finally show her his sparkling vampire penis, which is brighter than the surface of the sun, like a flesh dagger made of glitter diamonds. They go to Brazil for their honeymoon, and after a long day of vampire snorkeling, they commence with the hymen breaking (the ‘Dawn’ of the title being a metaphor for Bella’s hymen, I assume). There’s only one problem: Edward’s vampirility is too strong for Bella’s mortal vagina-womb. His vampire sperm immediately chomps down on Bella’s innocent white eggs and she becomes impregnated. Impregnated with a super vampire baby that kicks so hard in utero that it severs Bella’s spine. Edward gives Bella a vampire teeth C-section to save her from his evil sperm baby, and it turns out the baby is telepathic for some reason and has the mind of an adult. That’s when the ethnic werewolf guy falls in love with it, because a lady with a baby’s vagina is every man’s dream. After that… well, after that, the story gets a little ridiculous.

You can watch the trailer below. I took the liberty of adding my own captions on the following pages.

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AW HELL YEAH, SON, LATTER DAY SAINTS BE MARCHIN! According to the Hollywood Reporter, Twilight author Stephenie Meyer is producing the directorial debut of Napoleon Dynamite co-writer Jerusha Hess, which begins shooting this week in the UK. The adaptation of a book by fellow Mormon Shannon Hale, Austenland is set to star Bret McKenzie of Flight of the Conchords and Keri Russell.  Hess, who co-wrote the screenplay with Hale, previously co-wrote Dynamite, Nacho Libre, and Gentleman Broncos with her husband, Jared, who graduated from BYU, as did both she and Stephenie Meyer. CLAW ‘EM, COUGARS! ROOT BEER KEGS FOR EVERYONE!  Here’s the book description from Publisher’s Weekly:

In 32-year-old singleton Jane Hayes’s mind, no man in the world can measure up to Fitzwilliam Darcy—specifically the Fitzwilliam played by Colin Firth in the BBC adaptation of Pride and Prejudice. Jane is forced to confront her Austen obsession when her wealthy great-aunt Carolyn dies and leaves her an all-expenses-paid vacation to Pembrook Park, a British resort where guests live like the characters in Jane’s beloved Austen novels. Jane sees the trip as an opportunity for one last indulgence of her obsession before she puts it “all behind her—Austen, men, fantasies, period,” but the lines between reality and fiction become pleasantly blurred as Jane acclimates to the world of Spencer jackets and stringent etiquette rules, and finds herself torn between the Darcyesque Mr. Nobley and a forbidden tryst with Pembrook Park’s gardener.

A Colin Firth-themed rom-com set in the world of Jane Austen LARP?  Damn, I’m staying out of the Magic Johnson theater that weekend, the brothers will be going nuts for this one.

"SHUT YOUR EYES! HIS SPARKLING PENIS IS LIKE STARING DIRECTLY INTO THE SUN!"

Breaking Dawn (aka Snorkels the Vampire Fetus) is famously Stephenie Meyer’s most batsh*t book (which is saying something). So when The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn (PART ONE) trailer premiered at the MTV Movie Awards last night (the same night as the Spike Guy’s Choice Awards — what will I not watch first!), we were hoping to see some snorkeling vampires, vampire c-sections, werewolf-on-CGI-telepathic-vampire-fetus love, or any of the awesomely ridiculous plot elements from Breaking Dawn.  Turns out they went pretty minimal with it (would you believe the director of this has an Oscar?).  But even though the bed-smashing vampire honeymoon sex and spine-severing fetal cramps are only hinted at, it’s still delightfully ridiculous. (Great sentence, or the greatest sentence?).  We’ve got your breakdown.

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