The official, non-subtitled version of the newest G.I. Joe trailer just hit the web, and, unlike the version I posted this morning, this one has prettier graphics, which I think detract from the awesome dialogue.  But it’s nice not to have the French subtitles anymore.  Look, I just wanna watch muscular guys in tights play grabass, I don’t wanna read some fag language.

Additionally: the green rust monster at the 40-second mark should fight the black smoke monster from Lost. Though I imagine the black smoke monster would win. Because it’s black, you see.

The French trailer for Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe has hit the web, and it’s pure adrenaline.  And did you know?  Adrenaline is made up of two parts CGI with three parts expository dialog. Hiring the Van Helsing director was a great idea. Here’s an actual transcript I made of the trailer:

“I want the warheads ready to launch in one hour.  When I’m finished, this world will never forget.”

“The French are pretty upset.”
“Of course they’re upset!”

“We have never faced a threat like this.  A team is being assembled.  They are the best operatives in the world.  When all else fails… we don’t.”
“I want in.”

“Standing in front of you, are Delta 6 Accelerator Suits.”
“What’s it accelerate?”
“YOU.”

“This is General Hawk.  Mission is a go.”
“Here they come.”
“GO! GO! GO!”
“We’re running out of time!  Eject!”
“This is only just begun.” [sic]

This. Is. Going. To be. Awesome. They clearly ripped a page out of the George Lucas Star-Wars-Episode-I manual of dialogue writing.  It makes things really exciting, because even if you have to look for something under your seat during the movie, you’ll still know what’s going on because the characters shout about whatever they’re doing at any given time.I’m typing as fast as I can! Look out, everyone! (*explosion*)

This new set of G.I. Joe posters features Duke, Ripcord, Baronness, Scarlett, and Snake Eyes, played by Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Ray Park, and Rachel Nichols, respectively.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Why are they dressed like they’re going Xtreme Motorcrossing?”  To that I say: it’s a G.I. Joe movie from the guy who did Van Helsing.  I’d be surprised if there wasn’t Xtreme Motorcross.

[via AICN]

^{Dismissive wank hand added for… uh… scale.}

I think I already posted buttcam versions of these posters before, but now Filmz.ru has posted scanned copies.  As you can see, they’re all in black and white except for tiny, unimportant details highlighted in red.  I know what you’re thinking: maybe the details aren’t unimportant.  Maybe they’re clues for something really cool like titties or unicorns or lazer-sporting 10-dicked walri.  And to that I say this is a Stephen Sommers G.I. Joe movie with Marlon Wayans in it.  If you put any thought into it at all, you’ll probably be the only one.  The real question for me is when did Channing Tatum turn into Corey Haim?

Stephen Sommers is the awful director they let handle the GI Joe movie, which will probably end up something like Saving Private Ryan as done by Jerry Bruckheimer.  Meanwhile, Sommers’ next project is apparently going to be a Tarzan movie.  I think.  If you can make any sense of the following description, you’re either brilliant, or some kind of retard whisperer.

The action-adventure icon will trash his loincloth and throw on a pair of khakis for the next big screen take.

Director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy) and screenwriter Stuart Beattie (Australia) are ditching the boy-raised-by-apes origin story for a 1930′s-set romp with a hefty helping of romance: Think Pirates of the Caribbean with buffed-and-tanned actors flying through the jungle and sprinting up trees, parkour-style. [EW]

Hmm, let’s try to break this down: Tarzan won’t be raised by apes. ERGO, he will be wearing KHAKIS, not A LOINCLOTH.  But don’t worry, he will still be BUFF AND TAN and FLYING THROUGH THE JUNGLE, because… uh… ROMANCE.  And it will also be like PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, but also with PARKOUR – which of course is the sport of urban free running… So somehow, you subtract URBAN from PARKOUR and add PIRATES and you get this: uh… TARZAN.  Either that, or you get a headache and the overwhelming desire to throw poop at someone.