I’ve already posted a bunch of TV Spots and trailers for Stephen Sommers’ epically ill-advised G.I. Joe movie, and this new one’s only slightly different. That’s why I’ve helpfully set the video to skip the foreplay and start at the most hilarious part! Get it? Marlon Wayans fell down! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Who says you can’t have laughs in an action movie?

I was also sitting here trying to figure out what song was playing during the next scene, because even though whatever it was had been thoroughly Linkin Park-ified it, the riff sounded strangely familiar. Then I realized: it’s “Crazy Train.” Because they crazily jump through a train, you see. I hope whoever came up with that one was rewarded with a red ball or a herring.

UPDATE: Commenter Bradyohnine correctly points out that the song is “Undead” by Hollywood Undead. But the riff in that song is still the opening riff from “Crazy Train.” I can demonstrate on guitar for you if you’d li– Hey! Where’s everyone going?

For all those people who doubted me when I said Sienna Miller’s sunglasses were photoshopped on in the international G.I. Joe Poster, here’s the new poster as evidence.  Amazing how they were able to change the glasses and still get her to stand in that same exact position, isn’t it?  And don’t act like we all haven’t already seen Sienna Miller’s boobs.  They ain’t that big. (not that I wouldn’t still touch them if she wandered too close)

In related news, Variety debunks the rumor that director Stephen Sommers was fired halfway through shooting.  That doesn’t mean the movie won’t still be really crappy, because it will.  I love how the first defense of any of these turds is, “It wasn’t a bad movie, it was just meant for kids!”  Which sounds great until you look at the poster for the same film and it has Carmen Electra deepthroating a cucumber.

[high-res version available at SuperHeroHype]

(The photoshopped sunglasses heard round the world)

There’s a rumor floating around the internet that Stephen Sommers was fired mid-way through shooting G.I. Joe (anyone who saw Van Helsing wouldn’t have hired him in the first place).  Here’s the original rumor, which came from this messageboard (sorry for all the words, I’ll edit as best I can):

After a test screening wherein the film tested the lowest score ever from an audience in the history of Paramount, the executive who pushed for the movie, Brad Weston, had Stephen Sommers, the super hack director fired. Removed. Locked out of the editing room.

Stuart Baird, a renowned “fixer” editor was brought it to try to see if it could be made releasable. Meanwhile producer Lorenzo [di Bonaventura] whose turkey IMAGINE THAT explodes this weekend as the new bomb in theatres (also championed by Weston) was told his services were no longer needed on the film either.

Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner, who turned down other offers from the property to go with the script that was rushed in 8 weeks by Stuart Beattie because of the writer’s strike is frantic that this will destroy the brand and is distancing himself from the pending catastrophe.

NONE of this needed to happen, except someone who did not know the mythology, Lorenzo was in charge of the film and never contradicted Sommers on anything. Lorenzo, was Chairman of Warners and had GI JOE under option there (not as a producer) for SEVEN years and he refused to greenlight the film, stating that because he grew up in Italy he had no knowledge of it. If you google enough, at one point you will see he wanted the film to be about an action hero named MANN (Action Man, get it) and he clearly had no clue what the GI Joe world really was.

LatinoReview just spoke with Di Bonaventura, who denies the story, which isn’t surprising considering the story kind of makes him look bad, and as anyone will tell you, Hollywood peoples’ number one motivator is to not look bad.  Other people are refuting the “tested low” part of the story, but when a movie tracking 13% on Rotten Tomatoes can supposedly test well, it just goes to show that maybe an audience full of unemployed extras isn’t the greatest indicator of… anything.  But the part that smells of BS to me is part where the CEO of Hasbro is supposedly embarrassed. This is the same guy producing a Candyland movie. This guy wouldn’t embarrassed of his daughter doing scheiss porn. Or worse, Danny Masterson.

If you can get MTV’s crappy player to work, this is the new clip from Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe that debuted at the MTV movie awards.  I’m impressed with how much he was able to modernize the story.  I counted almost seven pairs of sunglasses!  Sometimes they’ll be wearing them and then they take them off and then a second later they’re wearing them again!  Must be special effects!  Boy, I feel sorry for whoever had to clean up all that glass!  OMG she totally said the tagline!

Hehe, “rise of cobra.”

Man.  I’ve seen a lot of crappy movie posters in my day, but even aside from the impressive collection of floating bodies and jagoff clichés in this new G.I. Joe poster, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a poster designer stoop to photoshopping sunglasses on someone’s face.  Ever wonder how stuff like this happens?  I bet it went down a little something like this:

Original design:

“Hmm.  I like it, but… do you think it’s… cool enough?”

“Perfect.”

(Get it?  The llamas are a metaphor)

[poster source = movieweb, and for all your llama saddling needs, check out Northern Colorado Llama Saddles]