(“Dey make me wear thees ovair my eye so dat I don’t get esleepy.”)

Paramount’s decision to only screen G.I. Joe for critics handpicked by the studio and their phoney-baloney empty gestures at patriotism (they won’t actually put the US military in their movie but they’ll bend over backwards to use them for marketing – you’re not fooling anyone, you pieces of sh*t) were looking good as of a few days ago when the film was tracking 91% on rottentomatoes.  Now that a few people have actually seen it… not so much.  It’s down to 41% as of this writing, and the only point of contention seems to be whether it’s just really stupid, or so stupid that it’s kind of fascinating, like a retard who remembers to breathe.  I think the British reviews are my favorite:

“You wonder how the actors kept straight faces making this shameless codswallop.” -The Daily Express.

Codswallop?  Did he just compare the movie to getting hit with a fish?  I think that’s my new favorite word.  “Waiter?  Back to the kitchen, and take this codswallop with you!  We are men, not grizzly bears.”

“I was more excited by last week’s G-Force 3-D, if only because the guinea pigs give the better performances.” -The Independent.  [ho snap!]

“G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobblers, as it must now be known, is a 118-minute war crime that does for the army what Steve Martin’s Inspector Clouseau did for the French police force – except with more fake-looking explosions.” -NewsoftheWorld

Rise of Cobblers?  Is… he saying fixing shoes… is a war crime?  I’m so confused.

Watching “G.I. Joe” is like being slapped across the face with utility-grade meat for two hours and for all I know, that is exactly what screenwriters Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett did to get themselves in the proper frame of mind. -eFilmCritic

Ding ding ding!   We have a winner.  Allow me to paraphrase: “YOUR MOVIE IS LIKE GETTING SLAPPED WITH POOR PEOPLE DICKS, YOUR MOM’S FAVORITE HOBBIE.”

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Sometimes I get caught up in this insular, nerdy world of movie news and take stories for granted.  Anyway, I thought this was obvious, but I guess it’s a story – G.I. Joe will not screen for critics.  /Film has a nice little rundown on past movies not screened for critics here, but basically, not screening for critics is a tacit admission that the movie sucks.  If you’re confident in your product, you want to get it to as many people as possible and create all the positive word of mouth you can.  Paramount clearly doesn’t expect much of a positive reaction, so it chose instead to handpick critics who are easy lays like Harry Knowles and shun the rest (and it seems to be working, as it’s gotten mostly positive reviews so far).  But of course, to hear them tell it, they wanted to screen it for the Real Fans in Real America, not those elitist commy fags on the coast, with their berets and fancy expresso drank.

The studio says it’s intentionally aiming the movie at the heartland, at cities and audiences outside the entertainment vortexes of New York and Los Angeles. Paramount held a screening Friday for 1,000 military service members and their families at Andrews Air Force Base; it’s also focusing marketing efforts in places like Kansas City, Charlotte, N.C., and Columbus, Ohio.

Because people in the cities and people in the country couldn’t possibly hope to enjoy the same things!

While appealing to a sense of patriotism nationwide [editor's note: False], the plan also is inspired by the disparity that existed between the critical trashing “Transformers: Rise of the Fallen” received and the massive crowds it drew at the box office.

Shocking. Though you’d think a studio that actually cared about negative reviews wouldn’t have hired Stephen Sommers in the first place.

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It’s fun seeing how much G.I. Joe is going to suck, and in that regard, this latest clip DOES. NOT. DISAPPOINT.  This must be some of the finest dialogue ever hastily scribbled on a napkin in crayon.

GENERAL HAWK: [To Duke] You scored in the top half percent of all the people we’ve ever tested.  And Rip, if we average your scores with Dukes, you’d pass too.
[Laughter]

AHAHAHAHA, GET IT?? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THE BLACK GUY ISN’T SMART!  LET’S ALL TAKE OUR SHIRTS OFF AND WORK OUT!  Later, Ripcord decides to chat up Scarlett while she reads “The Aufbay Principle” – it’s a book about science, because she is a scientist, you see, and scientists read science books while they work out.  Don’t let her jiggly sports bra fool you! (the extra ‘T’ in Scarlett stands for “Titties for days, y’all!)

RIP:  Look, I think you and me got off on the wrong foot.  See, I’m attracted to you, and you, you’re attracted to me.
SCARLETT: We’re attracted to each other.
RIP: THANK YOU!
SCARLETT:  That’s what you’re saying.  It’s not what I’m saying.
RIP: It’s not?
SCARLETT: Attraction is an emotion.  Emotions are not based in science.  And if you can’t quantify or prove that something exists… in my mind it doesn’t.

Oh right, she doesn’t believe EMOTIONS EXIST, because EMOTIONS aren’t BASED IN SCIENCE.  Because SHE is a SCIENTIST, you see!  WOOOF.  Man, I gotta find me a redheaded skeptic.  They always have awesome jugs.

We’re less than a month away from the G.I. Joe release and the promotion machine is kicking into high gear, probably hoping to squeeze every last dollar out of opening weekend before the inevitable 70% second-weekend drop.  The picture above is from a batch of publicity stills that have been going around.  Funny how you can tell a movie’s going to suck from a single frame.  I see Dennis Quaid’s wearing his blue camo, in case of a sea assault, or maybe green would’ve clashed with his hat.  And am I seeing little shiny things on his uniform?  What are those, military-grade rhinestones?  Ooh, look out!  There’s a Borg behind you!  And he’s got… a vest and a turtleneck!

When you’re trying to market a movie as crappy as Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe, the key is finding people low on intelligence and easily impressed by shiny things.  Ehh, oh!  I think I found ya taahget audience right heah *points crotch towards Jersey shore*.  Writes LatinoReview reader “BJ”:

I was sitting on the beach in Ocean Grove, NJ yesterday when a Black [sic] helicopter stopped to hover just off shore about 35 feet in the air. All of the fourth of July revelers hoarding the beach [sic] ran towards the water to see what was going on.

Then as it slowly approached shore, a rope ladder rolled out and what appeared to be a diver climbed to the bottom of the rope ladder. As I approached the water’s edge, the helicopter the gleaming black helicopter [sic... you get it] turned only to reveal the G.I. Joe Movie logo as the diver began to wave. The helicopter the proceeded to hover south down the shore with the diver hanging on just over the water for as far south as we could see.

It was very cool as it felt like GI Joe had come to life for me and [it was] effective as EVERYONE I ran into on the Jersey Shore was talking about it.

Jesus, is it just me or does “BJ” write like a porn spambot?  But anyway, yeah, dude, a guy climbed down a rope ladder and waved at you, you were practically in the movie.  That sounds like real combat the way Axe body spray smells like someone who showered.