Ever since someone called Channing Tatum a future A-List leading actor, he’s been having a hard time remembering who his friends are. Luckily, with some big rumors and announcements surrounding the future of G.I. Joe 2, I was able to get a hold of my boy C-Tate, and lock down his thoughts on the sequel to the Rise of Cobra.

Yo yo yo, ya boi C-Tates ‘bouty ‘bouty drop some knock-yo-blockbusta news on dem bitchez in da movie game, ya heard? Yo girl… or should I say, Yo Joe? YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAH BOYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! G.I. JOE NEWS, SON WHAT! Yo girl, I’m back like a Cadillac, ridin’ lows and bangin’ hoes, makin’ dem ladiez drip drip drip wit my kung fu grip. But in fairness, my lovely wife Jenna Dewan gets to watch, right? JD REPRAZENT LOVES YA BOI C-TATES!

Yo girl, so check it, G.I. Joe 2 gonna be all types of proper wit da C-Tate, dat Wayans brutha (he won’t let C-Tates say the N-word yet, yo, but he’ll come around, right?) and dat fine ass redhead boo with them tittays in da black leather, son. Break me off a piece and I’mma sign a lease, FEEL ME! And yo girl, if dat ain’t all legit enough for you, check out this fly ass sh*t fresh off da wire news right here.

Shake it, don’t break it, it took yo mama nine months to make it, Coming Soon:

Paramount Pictures has yet to confirm this, but TheWrap is reporting that G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra director Stephen Sommers will return for the sequel.

The site adds that Channing Tatum is expected to reprise his role as Captain Duke Hauser in the follow-up. Zombieland scribes Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick are writing the script.

Yo check it girl, dat ain’t no Dookie Howser like that Neil Patrick Fairies, right? Dat’s yo boy, C-Tates! The A-List with the golden fist, and you know dat cuz you still ain’t walkin’ right. But yo, it’s like, my man Stephen Sommers is, like, the best in da biz. He didn’t make one Mummy movie, right? He didn’t make deuce Mummy movies, heard? Dat cracka made BAM! THREE MUTHA F*CKING MUMMY MOVIES, HELLA TIGHT!

And yo girl, I gets to work with Double S and make movie magic, word. G.I. Joe 2 is gonna make the Rise of Cobra look like Class Act. But dat ain’t to say I don’t have much respek for my man Blade Brown. Dat homey taughts a young C-Tates da dope moves, proper fly son. Rest in peace, Christopher Martin. Pour some out, for real. Yo girl, you say Play ain’t dead? Aw sh*t son, I needs to work wit dat. Maybe Stephen Sommers put a C-Tate in House Party 12, tight.

As I so brilliantly pointed out recently, Hollywood has slowly been destroying the awesomeness of vampire movies, with films like Dracula 2000, Queen of the Damned and Twilight mangling once terrifying characters. Perhaps one of the worst offenders of all-time was 2004’s Van Helsing, directed by the poop-smearing Stephen Sommers. Universal Pictures is moving forward with a new Van Helsing project, but this time it is thankfully being produced and written by Guillermo del Toro.

Having already directed the outstanding Cronos and decent enough Blade II, del Toro has his finger on the pulse (*bowtie spins*) of vampire action and his Van Helsing project is being referred to as an “action horror story.” It is uncertain if del Toro will also direct this adaptation, but compared to Sommers’ effort he could film two hours of this guy describing the plot of Once Bitten and he’d clean house at the Academy Awards.

I’ll let go of this wedgie if you let me bang your sister, Pajiba:

The bad news is this: Universal Pictures is developing another Van Helsing movie. However, it’s not a remake. It’s simply based upon the same fictional vampire hunter character from Bram Stoker’s Dracula, a great character who was, by all accounts, given an unfair shake in Stephen Sommers’ awful 2004 Van Helsing movie.

Del Toro, with Chuck Hogan, penned the vampire novel “The Strain” as the first in a trilogy and it was released last year to strong reviews. The story is similar in nature to “Bram Stoker’s Dracula,” in that it features a vampire hunter as the central character, much like Van Helsing. What it doesn’t feature is Dracula harvesting big booger sacks full of his babies, birthed by his obnoxious, screaming brides. Nor does it feature a craptastic Wolfman and sissy Frankenstein. I guess what I’m trying to say is it isn’t complete garbage like Sommers’ Van Helsing.

Of course, del Toro’s focus on this film means that The Hobbit is completely dead since MGM Studios is broke, causing del Toro to walk. But don’t worry, Sommers still has a second GI Joe and six other projects on the way, so yeah, life is fair.

Covering entertainment news, we hear all too much about no-talent amateurs who just coast through the business winning jobs based on looks or nepotism.  People like that lazy hack Meryl Streep.  What we don’t hear nearly enough about are those young go-getters who aren’t afraid to go out there and grab life by the junk.  People like the young South African you see here, and his campaign to get cast in Stephen Sommers’ Tarzan movie.  Here’s part of the letter he wrote to movie writer David Poland accompanying the above picture:

I’m a highly self motivated 22- year old bodybuilder and actor. I’m a huge TARZAN fan ( the walls of my room mostly consists out of Tarzan posters and movie stars) and I live and breathe movies…which is why my dream is to one day move to America/USA and become an actor (movie star) there… as California is the film/entertainment capital of the world.

Honestly I dont have that much film experience (I’ve been working with an Israeli fim company to do a comercial shot at Mosselbay, South Africa/ I’ve done some stage acting as well) but I believe that THE WILL TO WIN IS MORE CRUCIAL THAN THE SKILL TO WIN… [OOH WHA-AA AA-AAH!  -Ed.] and anything that I dont know by now I’m willing to learn very fast… It would be an honour to be part of this new TARZAN movie thats now in production by STEPHEN SOMMERS at WARNER BROS.

My personality is very open. I’m an extrovert and an outgoing kind of person.I worked a few years at a local gym where you are constantly working with people which is awesome.

I’m an outdoor type of guy, and like to do a lot of challenging things such as: horse riding/ canoeing /target shooting/ hunting/ swimming/ working out/ mountain climbing/ cycling and anything that is physiqly demanding.

REGARDS
DEWET DU TOIT

Well there you have it.  The ball is in your court, Stephen Sommers.  I imagine hiring this guy would be a relief after doing all those movies with Brendan Fraser. I have it on good authority that that guy couldn’t canoe for sh-t.

Yeah, so there’s going to be a G.I. Joe sequel.  And that’s apparently such a minor and unsurprising news item that the LA Times all but breezed through it in a longer article about box office grosses:

[G.I. Joe's box office was] certainly good enough for Paramount to claim victory, however, and start thinking about the future. The studio’s vice chairman, Rob Moore, confirmed that a sequel will soon go into development. The film’s lead actors are contractually obligated to return for another film, though director Stephen Sommers is not.

Well I hope Stephen Sommers doesn’t ask for too much money, and can find time in his schedule between The Mummy 6 or The League of Extraordinary Werewolves or whatever.  Otherwise, I don’t know what could happen to this franchise.  But as long as Channing Tatums is there to mumble and stare vacant eyed while Marlon Wayans slips on banana peels I’m sure everything will be fine.

Despite their epically sleazy the-soldiers-who-defend-your-freedom-want-you-to-see-it marketing campaign, Paramount made $56.2 million on their G.I. Joe movie.  The sad thing about even the most blatantly phony, transparent pandering is that it usually works.  Oh hey look, Toby Keith bought a new cowboy hat.  Anyway, it’s not Transformers money, but it’s enough for execs to say “well look how well G.I. Joe and Transformers did!” as they try to defend their decision to greenlight the next movie based on a board game or parlor trick.  Thing is, though G.I. Joe and Transformers are technically based on a toy, they also both had old cartoons and the accompanying nostalgia on which to draw.  If the View-Master movie does anywhere near this kind of business, I promise I’ll chug a pint of hobo piss.

Elsewhere, Julie and Julia was number two with $20.1 million.  Surprising that there were so many people that couldn’t just wait to see it on a plane.  Hard to tell if it will hold or drop immediately, but critics are already calling it the plane-yest movie of the summer.

Most everything else made a not-particularly-noteworthy $7 or $8 million (though Funny People declined a sharp 65%).  And pour a little beer out on a hooker for The Hangover, which dropped out of the top 10 for the first week since its release.  Though at -35%, it had the smallest decline for wide releases for the fifth weekend in a row, and still managed the number 11 spot.  It just goes to show, people really want to see Zach Galifianakis get blown by an old chick.

[numbers via BoxOfficeMojo, top 10 list via CHUD]

Paramount’s decision to only screen G.I. Joe for critics handpicked by the studio and their phoney-baloney empty gestures at patriotism (they won’t actually put the US military in their movie but they’ll bend over backwards to use them for marketing – you’re not fooling anyone, you pieces of sh*t) were looking good as of a few days ago when the film was tracking 91% on rottentomatoes.  Now that a few people have actually seen it… not so much.  It’s down to 41% as of this writing, and the only point of contention seems to be whether it’s just really stupid, or so stupid that it’s kind of fascinating, like a retard who remembers to breathe.  I think the British reviews are my favorite:

“You wonder how the actors kept straight faces making this shameless codswallop.” -The Daily Express.

Codswallop?  Did he just compare the movie to getting hit with a fish?  I think that’s my new favorite word.  “Waiter?  Back to the kitchen, and take this codswallop with you!  We are men, not grizzly bears.”

“I was more excited by last week’s G-Force 3-D, if only because the guinea pigs give the better performances.” -The Independent.  [ho snap!]

“G.I. Joe: The Rise Of Cobblers, as it must now be known, is a 118-minute war crime that does for the army what Steve Martin’s Inspector Clouseau did for the French police force – except with more fake-looking explosions.” -NewsoftheWorld

Rise of Cobblers?  Is… he saying fixing shoes… is a war crime?  I’m so confused.

Watching “G.I. Joe” is like being slapped across the face with utility-grade meat for two hours and for all I know, that is exactly what screenwriters Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett did to get themselves in the proper frame of mind. -eFilmCritic

Ding ding ding!   We have a winner.  Allow me to paraphrase: “YOUR MOVIE IS LIKE GETTING SLAPPED WITH POOR PEOPLE DICKS, YOUR MOM’S FAVORITE HOBBIE.”

Sometimes I get caught up in this insular, nerdy world of movie news and take stories for granted.  Anyway, I thought this was obvious, but I guess it’s a story – G.I. Joe will not screen for critics.  /Film has a nice little rundown on past movies not screened for critics here, but basically, not screening for critics is a tacit admission that the movie sucks.  If you’re confident in your product, you want to get it to as many people as possible and create all the positive word of mouth you can.  Paramount clearly doesn’t expect much of a positive reaction, so it chose instead to handpick critics who are easy lays like Harry Knowles and shun the rest (and it seems to be working, as it’s gotten mostly positive reviews so far).  But of course, to hear them tell it, they wanted to screen it for the Real Fans in Real America, not those elitist commy fags on the coast, with their berets and fancy expresso drank.

The studio says it’s intentionally aiming the movie at the heartland, at cities and audiences outside the entertainment vortexes of New York and Los Angeles. Paramount held a screening Friday for 1,000 military service members and their families at Andrews Air Force Base; it’s also focusing marketing efforts in places like Kansas City, Charlotte, N.C., and Columbus, Ohio.

Because people in the cities and people in the country couldn’t possibly hope to enjoy the same things!

While appealing to a sense of patriotism nationwide [editor's note: False], the plan also is inspired by the disparity that existed between the critical trashing “Transformers: Rise of the Fallen” received and the massive crowds it drew at the box office.

Shocking. Though you’d think a studio that actually cared about negative reviews wouldn’t have hired Stephen Sommers in the first place.

“`G.I. Joe’ is a big, fun, summer event movie — one that we’ve seen audiences enjoy everywhere from Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland to Phoenix, Ariz.,” said Rob Moore, vice chairman of Paramount Pictures. “After the chasm we experienced with `Transformers 2′ between the response of audiences and critics, we chose to forgo opening-day print and broadcast reviews as a strategy to promote `G.I. Joe.’ We want audiences to define this film.” [AP]

Oh f*ck off, Paramount.  The difference between an “audience” and a critic is that you don’t have to hear whether an audience liked the movie after you have their money.

It’s fun seeing how much G.I. Joe is going to suck, and in that regard, this latest clip DOES. NOT. DISAPPOINT.  This must be some of the finest dialogue ever hastily scribbled on a napkin in crayon.

GENERAL HAWK: [To Duke] You scored in the top half percent of all the people we’ve ever tested.  And Rip, if we average your scores with Dukes, you’d pass too.
[Laughter]

AHAHAHAHA, GET IT?? IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THE BLACK GUY ISN’T SMART!  LET’S ALL TAKE OUR SHIRTS OFF AND WORK OUT!  Later, Ripcord decides to chat up Scarlett while she reads “The Aufbay Principle” – it’s a book about science, because she is a scientist, you see, and scientists read science books while they work out.  Don’t let her jiggly sports bra fool you! (the extra ‘T’ in Scarlett stands for “Titties for days, y’all!)

RIP:  Look, I think you and me got off on the wrong foot.  See, I’m attracted to you, and you, you’re attracted to me.
SCARLETT: We’re attracted to each other.
RIP: THANK YOU!
SCARLETT:  That’s what you’re saying.  It’s not what I’m saying.
RIP: It’s not?
SCARLETT: Attraction is an emotion.  Emotions are not based in science.  And if you can’t quantify or prove that something exists… in my mind it doesn’t.

Oh right, she doesn’t believe EMOTIONS EXIST, because EMOTIONS aren’t BASED IN SCIENCE.  Because SHE is a SCIENTIST, you see!  WOOOF.  Man, I gotta find me a redheaded skeptic.  They always have awesome jugs.

We’re less than a month away from the G.I. Joe release and the promotion machine is kicking into high gear, probably hoping to squeeze every last dollar out of opening weekend before the inevitable 70% second-weekend drop.  The picture above is from a batch of publicity stills that have been going around.  Funny how you can tell a movie’s going to suck from a single frame.  I see Dennis Quaid’s wearing his blue camo, in case of a sea assault, or maybe green would’ve clashed with his hat.  And am I seeing little shiny things on his uniform?  What are those, military-grade rhinestones?  Ooh, look out!  There’s a Borg behind you!  And he’s got… a vest and a turtleneck!

When you’re trying to market a movie as crappy as Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe, the key is finding people low on intelligence and easily impressed by shiny things.  Ehh, oh!  I think I found ya taahget audience right heah *points crotch towards Jersey shore*.  Writes LatinoReview reader “BJ”:

I was sitting on the beach in Ocean Grove, NJ yesterday when a Black [sic] helicopter stopped to hover just off shore about 35 feet in the air. All of the fourth of July revelers hoarding the beach [sic] ran towards the water to see what was going on.

Then as it slowly approached shore, a rope ladder rolled out and what appeared to be a diver climbed to the bottom of the rope ladder. As I approached the water’s edge, the helicopter the gleaming black helicopter [sic... you get it] turned only to reveal the G.I. Joe Movie logo as the diver began to wave. The helicopter the proceeded to hover south down the shore with the diver hanging on just over the water for as far south as we could see.

It was very cool as it felt like GI Joe had come to life for me and [it was] effective as EVERYONE I ran into on the Jersey Shore was talking about it.

Jesus, is it just me or does “BJ” write like a porn spambot?  But anyway, yeah, dude, a guy climbed down a rope ladder and waved at you, you were practically in the movie.  That sounds like real combat the way Axe body spray smells like someone who showered.