Warner Bros. is closer than ever to making me cry like that time I stepped on and broke my Rygar Nintendo cartridge, as it is rumored that former The Walking Dead showrunner Glen Mazzara is in talks to write a prequel to Stanley Kubrick’s 1980 amazing, classic, wonderful, timelessly terrifying movie adaptation of Stephen King’s novel, The Shining.

Why would Warner want to do such a thing? Because this is America, and in America we take things that are awesome and we destroy them out of greed, because we simply can. Unfortunately for Warner, there’s still a little matter of whether or not the studio owns the rights to the source material, a part of the novel that focused on the history of the Overlook Hotel that was cut. Warner says they own the rights, while King says they don’t.

WHO YA GOT???

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“HAHA, hey, everyone, get a load of this lame ass loser, with her pillow-soft lips and perfect bone structure!”

Carrie is a Stephen King story about the weird girl in school who gets teased and tormented mercilessly until her period unleashes the telekinetic power within, basically your typical uterine-sloughings-as-mind-bullets narrative. I sort of question the timing of remaking a bullied-kid-gets-revenge story, but then maybe revenge of the bullied is just one of those cathartic tropes that humans will always be attracted to. In any case, the 2013 remake of the 1976 film based on the 1974 novel, directed by Kimberly Pierce (Stop Loss, Boys Don’t Cry), is one of those hilarious examples of Hollywood Ugly, with Chloe Moretz playing Carrie and Julianne Moore as her weird mom. Ew, oh my God, they’ve got… braids, and they’re wearing… shawls! Haha, gross! Aren’t they just hideous??

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One of my least favorite questions in the world is: “What’s your favorite movie?” I get that a lot, obviously, but I always weasel out of it by either explaining that I have to break my favorite movies down into genres because it’s impossible to pick just one ultimate film or by kicking the person in the balls and sprinting away. Another reason it’s so difficult is because I prefer to be a Negative Nurnsy. That’s how I make all of my cool Internet friends, by criticizing and defecating on the hard work of others.

One movie that I won’t ever criticize is The Shining, or my Favorite Movie of All-Time, Category: Films that Scared the Sh*t Out of Me as a Kid (Okay, and Now, Too). And between the holiday season rolling in, my eternal fear of ever staying at a ski resort during a snow storm, South Park’s recent send-up of the Stephen King/Stanley Kubrick classic, and the fact that girls everywhere still awesomely dress as the dead twins for Halloween, I’ve become rather nostalgic.

So I scoured the webs and found some of my favorite tributes, photoshops, memes and just generally enjoyable pictures and GIFs regarding The Shining to share with you all, because I love them and they deserve to be shared. Also, working on the Worst Movies of the Year feature drives a good man insane. This is more therapeutic than anything.

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After the first few images leaked yesterday, today we have the teaser trailer for the remake of Stephen King’s Carrie, directed by Kimberly Peirce (Boys Don’t Cry) and starring Chloë Moretz. GRR, UMLAUTS!

A re-imagining of the classic horror tale about Carrie White (Chloë Grace Moretz), a shy girl outcast by her peers and sheltered by her deeply religious mother (Julianne Moore), who unleashes telekinetic terror on her small town after being pushed too far at her senior prom.

But what’s Chloë Moretz doing at a senior prom, she’s only 15! How much of an outcast could she really be if seniors are taking her to their prom? I didn’t go to a prom when I was 15, you didn’t see me covering people with pig’s blood. Of course, my only real power back then was magically getting nacho cheese stains on my shirt every break, so perhaps it’s an unfair comparison.

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Last we heard, WB’s plan to adapt Stephen King’s The Stand was for multiple movies to be directed by Harry Potter‘s David Yates. Apparently that idea fell through (possibly because Yates and his writer Steve Kloves were too expensive), because now Deadline reports that Warner wants Ben Affleck for the project.  HOW YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, BRETT RATNAH, YOU QUEAH.

Warner Bros has chosen Ben Affleck to adapt and direct The Stand, Stephen King’s apocalyptic mammoth book. Affleck has become a cornerstone director for the studio, but this would be his greatest challenge yet. Even King has been reticent about the idea of making a feature of his book, which previously was turned into a miniseries. With The Town and Gone Baby Gone, Affleck has shown the grit necessary to handle such an unforgettable tale. It’s early days, but the studio loves Affleck, who’s now directing Argo. [Deadline]

HE GAWT THE JAWB CAUSE HE’S GAWT GRIT! BEN AFFLECK IS THE GRITTIEST! HE JUST GOES IN THEYAH AN PUTS ON HIS FACKIN’ HAHD HAT AN PUNCHES THE TIME CLAWCK AND DOES HIS FACKIN’ JAWB! HE’S LIKE THE WES WELKAH OF HAWLLYWOOD DIRECTAHS! ME, SQUEEZEBAWX, CASPAH, AN’ WAWP JOHNNY AH GONNA READ THIS ‘THE STAND’ AND SEE WHAT AWLL THE FACKIN FUSS IS ABOUT– 823 FACKIN’ PAGES?! WHAT IS THIS, A HAHVAHD BOOK? (*throws book at Yankees fan*)

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