Ellen Page Officially Breaks My Heart
Reuters makes it official, she’s gonna be in Drew Barrymore’s directing debut.  Why God Why.

Atonement Leads BAFTA Nominations
That’s British Academy of Film and Television Arts.  Atonement got 14 noms including “Best Film”. Am I taking crazy pills?  NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS GODDAMNED MOVIE. Unless there’s a category for best underbite, it should be a shutout.

Picture of the CJ7 Alien (above)
This movie (from Kung Fu Hustle‘s Stephen Chow) looks completely insane.  Perhaps even crazier than Speed Racer.  And Asian movies are usually so grounded in reality.  It. Just. Doesn’t. Make. Sense. 

Jason Mewes Strikes Again
Kevin Smith’s Zack & Miri Make a Porno has picked up Jason Mewes, Craig Robinson (the awesome bouncer in Knocked Up), Traci Lords, and Katie Morgan (another porn star).  I’m gonna go out on a limb and say there’s gonna be a lot of dialogue in this.

Cloverfield Something Something Manga
To me “Manga” means my grandma forcing me to eat more pasta while I cry.  But apparently it also has something to do with Cloverfield marketing.  I’m not going to try to figure it out for you because I have better things to do.

Chow Yun-Fat (who would be credited as Yun Fat Chow like he is in China if that didn’t sound so much like dog food) has illustrated just how far his star has fallen by agreeing to star in the film adaptation of Dragonball Z.

The film, directed by James Wong, follows Goku (Justin Chatwin), a warrior alien who protects the Earth from an endless stream of rogues bent on dominating the universe and controlling mystical objects known as Dragon Balls [Ed. Note: No, seriously]. Stephen Chow is producing. [ComingSoon]

Fat Chow will play Master Roshi, Goku’s mentor.  Dude, what is it with the Japanese and fighting for control of mystical objects?  Can’t they just (be forced to) fight (despite swearing off violence after leaving the secret service/CIA/Navy SEALs) a band of terrorists inexplicably holding their family hostage like everyone else?

Anyway, I’m super excited for this. I’m going to see it right after I get my Honda Civic tuned up, put ICE Spiker in my hair until I look like Pikachu, and hit myself in the head until I’m dumb enough to like extended, poorly animated fight sequences.

Following rumors of a Will Smith-produced Karate Kid (1984) sequel, which originally had his son Jaden starring alongside Jackie Chan, the word now is, according to Moviehole, Stephen Chow is in talks to direct and play the Mr. Miyagi character.

Chow is the man behind Kung Fu Hustle, Shoalin Soccer, and the upcoming CJ7, and as astute readers may note, is Chinese, not Japanese. Personally, I don’t think about that kinda stuff because I’m enlightened and I don’t see people in terms of race.  Plus all Asians look alike.

The remake/sequel is rumored to be called “Kung Fu Kid” in light of the change in race/setting.  Regardless of who’s involved, I can’t imagine it will be half the movie that  Beyond the Ring is – they got John Kreese!

SWEEP THE LEG! NO MERCY!

Stephen Chow, the guy who did Kung Fu Hustle and Shoalin Soccer, has a new movie called CJ7.

Okay, so the trailer has the requisite huge buildup, which leads to movie-voice guy going, "A new film that proves… that in space… your father can still hear you scream."  Here’s my impression of movie voice guy having sex: "Coming soon… coming soon… coming soon… COMING SOON! …ahhh."

Anyway, I’m really confused right now. Maybe Wikipedia can help:

Chow plays a man who lives in a partly demolished house. He takes in a homeless boy (who is actually played by a girl, Xu Jiao). Whether the semi-demolished house and the homeless boy are on Earth, or on the alien planet is not clear. As Chow’s character can’t afford to buy a toy for the child, he finds a makeshift toy in the garbage and brings it back to his "son". The "toy" is actually a powerful alien device and the aliens are desperate to get it back. Some rumours state that it is a "pet" rather than a "toy".

Nope, still confused.  Plus, I’m pretty sure that girl can sue the producers over gender confusion.  Would it really be that hard to find an actual boy?  Then again, my mom used to dress me up as a girl and make me prance around under my parasol while begging her to buy me a pretty pony.  And everyone says I TURNED OUT JUST FINE.  Even the dead hookers agree. Well, not agree maybe, but their silence speaks volumes.