The lord works in mysterious ways, such as ransom notes on the t-shirts of freeloading, c-list wastes of space

As everyone knows, the entertainment industry is notoriously rough on devout Christians.  Times have been so tough lately that Tyler Perry and Kirk Cameron haven’t even been able to afford to fill their mansions’ pools with the KY they need for butler wrestling.  But perhaps no one has been hit harder in this new economy than Stephen Baldwin, whose talent alone not only proves God’s existence but once got him a part in a Pauly Shore movie.

But since becoming “The born-again Christian Baldwin,” it seems he’s been able to accept even fewer acting jobs than when he was just “the fat, talentless Baldwin.”  And that’s made it hard for him to pay his bills.  How’s a man supposed to eat, or get crucifix swords tattooed on his arm?  To that end, he started RestoreStephenBaldwin.org, which allows other Christians to stop giving their money to those freeloading, third-world savages, and start giving it to Stephen Baldwin, the man whose dreadlocks Jesus molded in His own image in Bio Dome.  And by “he started” I mean of course that someone else unconnected to Baldwin started the website. Stephen Baldwin will still accept the money, of course, but only because it’s God’s will.

“I’m not looking at it like it’s some business deal for me. I’m not involved, I don’t want to be involved … It’s a charitable situation and whatever God’s going to do, God’s going to do. If it turns out to be something that blesses me in a great way financially, then Amen,” Baldwin tells PopEater.

That’s very noble of you, Stephen.  Maybe instead of eating or working, you should just lie on your back with your mouth open and wait for God to miracle some food into your worthless face.

“The simple explanation for that is when you’re living one particular way in a certain income bracket, not only as a result of what’s been happening in the economy and sub-prime blah blah blah, that along with my consciously deciding there were roles that I had been doing pretty regularly that would allow me to make X amount of dollars per year. Well, as a result of my decision that I made as my born-again Christian faith — again, I take full responsibility of that. I’m a big boy and I made that choice. I made the choice to no longer participate in playing those roles in the past, it affected my income. I was easily making a million and a half to two million bucks a year and living pretty dang good. So again, if I was willing to play roles in the past where the content allowed for me to use certain bad language or participate in scenes that had certain sexual content — I’m feeling like I just don’t want to play those roles anymore.

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I first brought you news of Sharks in Venice nearly a year ago, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t follow up to inform that you can now own it on DVD and Blu-Ray and possibly laser disc, the format of kings.  As you can see from the trailer, this movie has literally everything: sharks, treasure, Stephen Baldwin, sharks, machine guns, boats, Italians, sharks, motorcyles, chainsaws, sharks, and sharks.  And might I add, critical acclaim?

[From an Amazon user review] Ah, Venice. The gem of Europe with it’s swimming pool colored water, incompetent police force, and English-speaking citizenry who occasionally string together a many as two or even three simple Italian words together just so you know you’re in Italy. And how could one forget the roaring man-eating great white sharks patrolling the surface in broad daylight that nobody ever sees and ignores even when they tear through a gondola or two and then spend two minutes chomping at minuscule floating bits of bait while one wonders where the rest of the person they are supposedly eating is? Either way, the populace simply report these people as missing and the police do their best to assure everybody that it was just a boating accident even when there is no evidence of a boating accident aside from the occasional gnawed torso floating around. Because they wouldn’t want tourism to go down, see? Personally, I’d go to Venice right the hell now if there was a chance I’d see a great white shark eat a dude. Now what’s REALLY scary is all of those boating accidents.

And if you act now, you can buy Sharks in Venice bundled with Yeti and Warbirds for just $35.97.  How awesome would that be??  You’re right, Stephen Baldwin, there is a Santa Claus.

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This is the trailer for the direct-to-DVD thriller, Sharks in Venice.  Don’t worry, it’s not a metaphor.  It’s basically Anaconda meets Deep Blue Sea meets Stephen Baldwin.  I think it really would’ve amped up the suspense if Stephen Baldwin was walking down the street minding his own business, when he suddenly turned around and noticed a shark disguised as a gondolier, slowly poling after him in a little boat. Hmm, that seems suspicious… [Thanks to James for the tip]

Stephen Baldwin officially endorsed fundamentalist whack job Sam Brownback's presidential campaign today.

Baldwin said that after listening to all the speeches and doing “his homework” he decided to throw his support to Brownback. Baldwin, who says that his vote is “spiritually motivated,” told ABC, “I think what America needs more than anything is a leader who’s honest, who’s truly a man of faith, and who allows that faith to make his decisions with his common good sense; and I think that’s Sam Brownback.”

In light of this news, FilmDrunk is calling for an immediate boycott of all Stephen Baldwin's movies.

Since that covers basically just re-runs of Biodome on USA, it's already being described as the most successful boycott in U.S. history. Victory is ours!