While absolutely nothing is going to top that Patton Oswalt video from Parks and Rec in terms of Star Wars-related awesomeness, there is some actual Star Wars news to discuss today and I guess you could say that it’s pretty big. According to the Disney bros who spoke at CinemaCon today in Las Vegas, once Star Wars: Episode VII is released in 2015, there will be a new film from the franchise every year after that.

I assume that includes the little-talked-about spin-off, National Lampoon’s Camp Jedi: Episode Sithty-Nine. So how is the House of Mouse going to break the new films down?

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Parks and Rec will feature two episodes tomorrow night, and Vince won’t watch them because he hates America, but our favorite stand-up comedian and nerd god Patton Oswalt will make a cameo in the second episode as yet another insane Pawnee resident with a problem that has nothing to do with the greater good of the fictional city.

Parks producer Dan Goor apparently told Oswalt just to improvise a filibuster about Star Wars, and the result is the greatest rambling mash-up of Star Wars, The Avengers, Fantastic Four, X-Men and Clash of the Titans that anyone could ever pull out of thin air. Seriously, this is f*cking beautiful and I’m going to watch it at least 600 times this week.

Dark Horse Comics is releasing a comic based on George Lucas’s rough draft for Star Wars that promises to deliver George Lucas’s original vision for Star Wars. I for one think it’s about time someone finally went back and revisited the Star Wars franchise to make it more the way George Lucas wanted it. I mean why hasn’t someone thought of this sooner?

It’s no April Fools’ prank! Dark Horse is honored to announce a dream project: working with J.W. Rinzler, executive editor at LucasBooks, and artist Mike Mayhew (Avengers) to adapt the rough-draft original screenplay which spawned the biggest franchise in film history!

Three years before his 1977 film, George Lucas put down on paper his first story set in a galaxy far, far away—a tale of fantastic adventures, daring escapes, “lazer swords,” romance, and monsters. A story of Jedi Annikin Starkiller and General Luke Skywalker, an alien named Han Solo, and evil Sith Knights. The screenplay was titled The Star Wars!

“I’m not sure where I first read about The Star Wars—it was years and years ago—but the idea of Luke Skywalker being an older Jedi General, and Han Solo being a six-foot-tall lizard, turned my Star Wars fan brain on its side,” said longtime Star Wars editor Randy Stradley. “I always assumed this would be one of those stories that would be ‘lost to history,’ so getting to work on bringing it to life is kinda like a dream come true.” [ComingSoon]

I’m amazed that George Lucas agrees to stuff like this, because from Greedo shot first, to “I love you” “I love you too,” to Darth Vader shouting “Noooo!”, to pretty much all of the prequels, it seems like every time you hear about going back to “George Lucas’s idea,” that idea turns out to be terrible. The man is at his best when he’s being heavily edited. I do enjoy the idea of Han Solo being a giant lizard, but I say that about everything.

LEIA: I love you!

HAN: (*ear-shattering shriek, disembowels goat with talons*)

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After Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull everyone was down on my main man, Harri-Fo. Not so fast suckers, because El Mayimbe (Spanish for “The Mayimbe”) broke the news today that Ford will return for Star Wars VII. What?! Shiver me timbers and call me Sally the Southern Biscuit, this news has the “Warsians” (why do they call themselves such a weird name?) all in a lather.

Slate has cautioned this might be false info, but they are correct about The Mayimbe’s general veracity. I drank once with that dude and he seemed pretty legit to me. He didn’t order a flavored vodka or anything like that.

There’s not much more to say other than to note that both R2-D2 and C-3PO passed on the project out of “respect for the original work” and “not wanting to be an easy target for South Park“.

Han and Boba Fett on the set, with George Lucas

Start praying for some non-Star Wars news, you guys. The latest is that stand-alone movies about Han Solo and Boba Fett are reportedly in the wanks. Er, works.

Entertainment Weekly has learned details on two of the spin-off projects: A young Han Solo saga, focusing on the wisecracking smuggler’s origin story, and a bounty hunter adventure with Boba Fett at the center of a rogue’s gallery of galactic scum. Sources close to the projects confirmed this was the direction the development was taking, although they cautioned it’s still very early in the process.

The Han Solo story would take place in the time period between Revenge of the Sith and the first Star Wars (now known as A New Hope), so although it’s possible Harrison Ford could appear as a framing device, the movie would require a new actor for the lead — one presumably much younger than even the 35-year-old Ford when he appeared in the 1977 original.

The Boba Fett film would take place either between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back, or between Empire and Jedi, where the bounty hunter was last seen plunging unceremoniously into a sarlacc pit. Exactly who would play him isn’t much of a complication – in the original trilogy, he never took off his helmet. And in the prequels, we learned he was the son of the original stormtrooper clone, played by Temuera Morrison, who’s still the right age for the part if his services were required.

No word on whether this juicy rumor nugget contradicts or complements the one about the Yoda movie. I want to say something about this, but it’s like my ability to give a shit has been frozen in carbonite. Really, we’re going to make all of these movies? Aren’t stories like this why they used to have those Star Wars novels? In any case, I think we all know what this project needs: that’s right, Channing Tatum as Han Solo. “Ayo, Chew, ya boy hype drive actin mad whack, son.”

With Karl Urban being the obvious choice for Boba Fett. If Dredd 3D proved anything, it’s that the dude can wear the f*ck out of a helmet.

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