Ever since Rooster and Trish, the Neverending Story Van owners and frequent threateners of lawsuits against FilmDrunk, walked out of my life, there’s been a hole in my heart that booze and public masturbation just couldn’t fill. But they say Jesus works in mysterious ways, and in my search for something that would remind me them, I found this, the quintessential Star Wars-themed rape van. All other Star Wars rape vans must kneel in the presence of this one. It may never come close to what Rooster and Trish and I shared, but I did come up with these van-related movie quotes:
“Run, kids. IT’S A TRAP!”
“Game over, van, game over!”
“Now DAT’S how you sposta rape van!”
[via F-ckYeahRapeVans]
Well hot damn, someone dug up Kurt Russell’s old audition tape for the role of Han Solo. It’s well known that Harrison Ford beat out some big name actors for the role (Nick Nolte, Christopher Walken), but up until now I thought the audition tapes existed only as Patton Oswalt bits and SNL sketches. Who would’ve thought the Stuntman Mike version of an intergalactic smuggler would be… kind of a wuss? Not that you can blame him. It’s hard to look cool while delivering lines like, “What’s that little droid carrying around that’s so blasted important, anyway?”
Question marks in the headline can mean only one thing: it’s time to prognosticate! This story has no facts, so we’re free to speculate wildly! Yee haw, now who wants to take a shot in the dark? And remember, address all responses in the form of a question!
This rumor comes from MarketSaw, accompanied by two questions marks and three exclamation points in the headline, which is enough to write it off as the work of a breathless retard in my book. But if you need further evidence, here you go:
I have been hearing rumblings… [probably from Lucas' stomach -- "FEED ME A STRAY CAT," it says. -Ed.] extremely quiet at first, but now heating up significantly and from a trusted source - that George Lucas is preparing to unleash another STAR WARS trilogy upon us, this time in stereoscopic 3D. This is NOT the TV series, these are brand spankin’ new 3D STAR WARS movies. It is coming from a source that SHOULD KNOW. This source is absolutely connected. So odds are it is seriously being talked about at Lucasfilm.
But here is the shocker: Lucas will be producing and NOT directing these new episodes apparently! Could Steven Spielberg be tapped to direct a STAR WARS movie after all? Yes according to a trusted source of mine! Further, Francis Ford Coppola was mentioned too as a possible director for a future film!
Should I murder the president? YES, says my neighbor’s dog! If it wasn’t true, why would the government monitor my thoughts through the television? Riddle me that, batman.
RELATED ASYLUM POLL: When did the Star Wars franchise lose its mojo?
UPDATE: Now with video
10 years ago, Jake Lloyd played Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode I. He’s now 20 years old. An Australian Sci Fi blog recently caught up with him during a trip down under, and the resulting interview is a study in maintaining a cheerful exterior while reliving deeply scarring childhood events.
“It’s been part of my life for the last 10 years, so… [holding knees and rocking back and forth] High school, they wouldn’t let it go. You know how they can be in high school. [dripping with sarcasm] They’re so charming and intelligent. Ah. Awesome people. So, uh… Yeah, that was wonderful. College was… has been similar. Again, you’ll never find more intelligent, charming people than the drunk students of a college world.”
“I certainly shouldn’t complain about it… it’s a funny aspect, it seems to be a universal aspect of culture, is that once you hit that age, [shaking fist] ‘whatever stands out the most must be said the most!’”
[When asked: "If there was one person you could use the Force Anakin/Darth Vader-style on, who would it be?"]
“I wouldn’t, because I know that as*hole’s life is worse than I could make it.”
Yikes. I’m impressed with him for staying so calm when you can feel the rage bubbling just beneath the surface. Let it out, kid, you’ll feel better. Just tell ol’ George what’s on your mind. “‘Look out, R2′? Really!? You had 20 years and that’s the best f-ing dialog you could write for me, you fat a-hole?” Anyway, chin up, kid. You’re not the first person to say George Lucas ruined his childhood.
[Via ScifiTV.au, relive the Podrace scene after the jump - thanks to HitFix for finding the interview]
