History has not been kind to Star Wars Episode I, mostly because it sucked. But that won’t stop Lucasfilm from re-releasing it in 3D, which they’ve been promoting constantly with an extended trailer on Cartoon Network. Luckily this turd cloud has a silver lining, because the folks at Aggrogate decided to re-record the whole thing as death metal.
I improved it by adding some death metal vocals and a Cannibal Corpse soundtrack. Yes, that’s every line of the trailer re-recorded with a death metal voice. You can tell it’s death metal singing because you can’t understand most of it. That’s how you know it’s working. [Aggrogate]
I have to say, I find the death metal version strangely tolerable. George Lucas should re-release the entire series as a death metal video. He’d probably have to re-title it CORPSE F*CKED BY A ROBOT or something, but changing his work after the fact doesn’t seem to be an issue for him.
You can see the original TV spot below. The sound R2 makes after Jar-Jar Binks electrocutes his face kind of sounds like a wet fart, which seems fitting.
A drunk guy wearing a Darth Vader mask was tazed and pepper sprayed by police after he refused to stop laying in the middle of the street yesterday and attacked officers. Guess where it happened. Go ahead, guess. I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t NOT Florida.
Michael Cole, 28, of Orlando, was arrested on felony charges of resisting arrest and battery on an officer.
According to the FHP, a construction worker informed the trooper around 2:45 a.m. of an intoxicated man wearing a Darth Vader mask who was walking in the middle of a road near Summerlin Avenue and Anderson Street.
The trooper approached the masked man, later identified as Cole, and repeatedly asked him to get out of the road, the FHP said. Cole instead cursed at the trooper and laid in the roadway, authorities said.
The trooper then told Cole to get up, but he attemtped to punch and kick the trooper, who deployed his Taser, according to the FHP. Officials said Cole’s thick jacket prevented the Taser from working, so the trooper used pepper spray to subdue him.
“I sense something, a presence I’ve not felt since… AAAAGHHHHHHHH MY EYES!”
You can watch some of the video over at ClickOrlando, but the highlight was definitely the Darth Vader mask lying broken on the street next to a shoe. That’s the Floridian equivalent of the child’s toy smoldering amidst the rubble. David O. Russell was in Florida for five minutes and got busted for feeling up a trans relative! I’m surprised this stuff even makes the news over there anymore.
The French fast-food chain Quick will begin selling these Star Wars-themed burgers in February. As you can see, the Darth Vader burger has a pitch-black bun. Which disturbs me slightly less than whatever the hell is on top of the Jedi burger. French fries? Marshmallows? Snails? |DailyWhat|
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52 Examples Why Florida Is Still The Craziest State |Buzzfeed|
Adult Swim’s Best Video Games Of 2011 |Adult Swim|
Henry Cavill is handsome and adorable, like a British Baby Goose. |TheSuperficial|
Gwyneth Paltrow is literally selling snake oil now. |Videogum|
Ever wonder what happens to left over campaign funds? |MentalFloss|
Renata is a redhead with large breasts. |GorillaMask|
Concert promoter inks deal to have rapper Nas perform in Angola on New Year’s Eve. Nas misses his flight and doesn’t make it to the show. That’s a-kidnapping |FARK|
By now you’ve no doubt heard that the upcoming Blu-ray release of the Star Wars movies will feature a few alterations to the original trilogy, including blinking Ewoks, a new door to Jabba’s lair, and worst of all, Darth Vader shouting “NO!” as he throws Emperor Palpatine to his death in Return of the Jedi, instead of being all silent and Vader-like. (*takes deep breath, puffs inhaler*)
Now, the site SaveStarWars has dug up an old speech George Lucas made before congress in 1988 arguing for cinematic preservation. In it, the old George Lucas basically calls 2011 George Lucas a barbarian. It’s an impassioned speech, but sadly, 2011 George Lucas just laughed and stuffed handfuls of money into his slavering neck pouch, ordering his boy servants to bring him more cats for breakfast. “CHOMF CHOMF CHOMF!” he belched, poking at a bikini-clad boy with his slimy tentacle.
[Quoth the Lucas, circa 1988]
American works of art belong to the American public; they are part of our cultural history.
People who alter or destroy works of art and our cultural heritage for profit or as an exercise of power are barbarians, and if the laws of the United States continue to condone this behavior, history will surely classify us as a barbaric society.
These current defacements are just the beginning. Today, engineers with their computers can add color to black-and-white movies, change the soundtrack, speed up the pace, and add or subtract material to the philosophical tastes of the copyright holder. Tomorrow, more advanced technology will be able to replace actors with “fresher faces,” or alter dialogue and change the movement of the actor’s lips to match. It will soon be possible to create a new “original” negative with whatever changes or alterations the copyright holder of the moment desires. The copyright holders, so far, have not been completely diligent in preserving the original negatives of films they control. In order to reconstruct old negatives, many archivists have had to go to Eastern bloc countries where American films have been better preserved.
In the future it will become even easier for old negatives to become lost and be “replaced” by new altered negatives. This would be a great loss to our society. Our cultural history must not be allowed to be rewritten. There is nothing to stop American films, records, books, and paintings from being sold to a foreign entity or egotistical gangsters and having them change our cultural heritage to suit their personal taste.
I accuse the companies and groups, who say that American law is sufficient, of misleading the Congress and the People for their own economic self-interest.
I accuse the corporations, who oppose the moral rights of the artist, of being dishonest and insensitive to American cultural heritage and of being interested only in their quarterly bottom line, and not in the long-term interest of the Nation.
The public’s interest is ultimately dominant over all other interests. And the proof of that is that even a copyright law only permits the creators and their estate a limited amount of time to enjoy the economic fruits of that work.
There are those who say American law is sufficient. That’s an outrage! It’s not sufficient! If it were sufficient, why would I be here? Why would John Houston have been so studiously ignored when he protested the colorization of “The Maltese Falcon?” Why are films cut up and butchered?
I hope you have the courage to lead America in acknowledging the importance of American art to the human race, and accord the proper protection for the creators of that art–as it is accorded them in much of the rest of the world communities.”
Well said. Unfortunately, Lucas owns the Star Wars copyright (even though, technically, he only directed the first film in the original trilogy) and can alter his films as he sees fit. Knowing what we know now, it seems like a lot of what people loved about the original Star Wars were created out of decisions made over Lucas’s head that he fought the whole way. It’d be like if a group of guys were trying to build a house, and one of them kept saying stuff like, “No, we should put the foundation on the roof!” And the other guys ignored him but still let him put his name on it. And then thirty years later the guy was like, “Well it’s my house now, and I’m going to put the foundation on the roof. And windows in the basement, and a big playhouse in the living room for my kitties… And rabbits, millions of ‘em! Purple ones, yellow ones, pink ones! And we’ll all live off the fatta the land…”
My, my, a SECOND rape van post? What God did I please, you must be thinking. That’s right, loyal FilmDrunkard Matthew saw this morning’s post on the World’s Most Legit Rape Van and promptly sent over a picture of the Star Wars rape van you see above, which he spotted a few weeks ago in Seattle. And as we all know, Rape Vans come in threes, like celebrity deaths, or a bukkake quorum, so WHO KNOWS WHAT MAJESTY THIS AFTERNOON WILL BRING???
If forced to compare this rape van to this morning’s rape van, I don’t think there’s any question that a rainbow-queefing unicorn being ridden into space by an AK-47-toting Viking with a ZZ Top beard beats a pretty standard rendering of the iconic Star Wars characters. However, I will say that being covered in rust and parked in front of what appears to be an abandoned factory, this one may have the edge in actual rapiness. “Now if you’ll just move the insulation and old rebar aside, I’ll show you where I keep the candy.”
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