YOU'VE BEEN CUMBERBATCHED!

While I eagerly await his marriage to Imogen Poots, with whom I assume he will eventually give birth to a powdered wig (they’re not together… yet), Benedict Cumberbatch has been cast in JJ Abrams Star Trek sequel. There are conflicting reports on whether he’ll play a villain (according to Variety) or not (Deadline says it could be either), but he joins the already-cast Noel Clark, Alice Eve, and Peter Weller. Cumberbatch is best known for his role in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, playing Sherlock Holmes in a BBC series, and leading the silly name brigade to victory at the battle of snoggy bottoms.

It will be interesting to see whether Cumberbatch plays another high-class man of wealth, a role he claims to have been typecast in as a result of his rich upbringing. Jeez, you would’ve never guessed by the name.

British actor Benedict Cumberbatch has a ghost from his past casting a shadow over his career: he was too privileged growing up. The son of actors Timothy Carlton and Wanda Ventham, Cumberbatch attended the Harrow school, which now charges $47703 in admission per year [*waves frilly hanky, faints* -Ed.]. As a result of his young posh education, he says casting directors are unwilling to see him in a role beyond that of a wealthy menace.

“I was brought up in a world of privilege. It can ostracize you from normal codes of conduct in society,” he told the Radio Times. “Being a posh actor in England you cannot escape the class-typing from whatever side you look at it. I realized from quite early on that, although I wasn’t trying to make a class specialty of it, I was playing slightly asexual, sociopathic intellectuals.” [HuffPo]

I hear he was once so upset about being served a shrimp fork for an oyster platter that he slapped the craft services supervisor with a white glove. I hear he also refers to picking up chicks as “hunting the fox” and has a secret sexual peccadillo that involves a euphemistic craving for “blood pudding.” To paraphrase commenter Galway Girl, Benedict Cumberbatch is so British, my pack of smokes started buttf*cking each other.

As part of James Franco’s ongoing mission to prove that he’s smarter and more cultured than you, he recently debuted his first solo art show in lower Manhattan.  (I saw a solo art show once. The dildo could’ve been bigger).  The theme was “sexual confusion” and naturally, included a piece that involved Captain Kirk and Spock making out.

“The Dangerous Book Four Boys,” which includes sculpture, photography and drawing, as well as film and video, addresses boyhood and the “sexual confusion” of adolescence, as Ms. Heiss put it. Short films focus on demolition, showing burning or bullet-riddled structures like a plastic toy home or a large wooden rocket (the exhibition contains originals or replicas of these). Another work explores a romantic encounter between “Star Trek” characters Spock and James T. Kirk.
“I feel like shows or films that deal with kids, they’re playing to all of these sexual feelings that you have at that age, but they don’t fully admit to it,” he said. “So I kind of try to draw that out. The implicit in those shows and books, I try to make it a little more explicit,” Franco said.  [WSJ]

Look, I’m not one of those people who’s quick to throw out “all actors are totally queer” (okay, I am, but I’m not proud of it), especially not with my Columbia grad-school classmate James Franco (name drop!).  But between this, his penis-flopping, gay-bashing short film, playing prominent gay men in both Howl and Milk, and that story about how he tricks guys into simulated anal sex for short film projects (which, admittedly, is pretty funny), at some point you have to wonder: dude, what are you trying to prove?  Everyone is a little gay.  Fine, I can go with that.  I might not rape a guy in prison, but I’d sure as hell watch.  Point is, we get it.  Now either go suck a wiener, or leave the gay men to speak for themselves.  I still love you though.  Just not in a gay way.  By which I mean bring Kimiko.

[Picture sources: easydreamer, towelroad.  Really, you'd be surprised how much of this there already is]

Quentin Tarantino recently sat down with THR to name his top eight movies of 2009.  Why only eight?  Probably because he loves eight balls!  *rails line off hooker*  YAHTZEE!  *puts foot through glass coffee table*

8. AN EDUCATION
7. PRECIOUS
6. OBSERVE AND REPORT
5. CHOCOLATE [The autistic Muay Thai movie -- jeez I still need to see that]
4. UP IN THE AIR
3. FUNNY PEOPLE
2. DRAG ME TO HELL
1. STAR TREK

Fine, Jesus Christ, I’ll see Precious already.  Actually, when they just show that split-second clip of two morbidly obese black chicks trying to hit each other with frying pans (00:47) it actually looks kind of funny.  I especially love the fatter one mugging for the camera afterwards.

Aw, sad fatty  ;-(   ))   Her and emo pug should hang out, maybe cheer each other up.

IGN just debuted this new clip from James Cameron’s Avatar, “Thanador Chase”.  It’s not 3-D, but it looks pretty, and watching it you can sort of imagine what it’s going to look like when it’s in 3-D.  The scene is basically the Captain Kirk vs. the butthole monster scene from the Star Trek movie if you mashed it with Fern Gully: The Last Rainforest.  Speaking of which, I think I speak for everyone when I say that Thanadors would be a lot cooler if they could sing songs in the voice of Tone Löc.  If only he was still alive.

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When I heard Diora Baird was playing an Orion Slave Girl in Star Trek, I was rightly tumescent, because Diora Baird’s breasts are made from the laughter of children and that mixture of maple syrup and melted butter that dribbles down the side of your pancakes.  Then the movie came out and deflated my wiener with the one-two punch of the lack of beautiful Baird breasts and Zachary Quinto’s intrusive eyebrows.  Today, we can finally see the Diora Baird scene that didn’t make the movie.  And it’s… an even bigger disappointment than her not being in the movie, somehow.  Dear JJ Abrams: you hired Diora Baird for your movie and you kept her fully clothed?  You’re worse than Stalin.  You’re like Hitler, if Hitler had promised the Jews ice cream before he gassed them, and then kicked a puppy.  Yours in undying hatred, Vince.

I also like how the scene involves Kirk apologizing to an Orion Slave Girl for using her.  Dude, she’s a slave girl. It’s in the title.  You don’t have to treat them like Dilythian Equality Womyn.

[video via ToplessRobot]