I’m pretty ignorant about the whole Hunger Games thing, so I just assume it’s a book series for teens and adult women smart enough to be embarrassed about reading Twilight (DO NOT DISPUTE ME). Anyway, the new trailer for the Gary Ross-directed movie adaptation is here, and… correct me if I’m wrong, but (note: NEVER CORRECT ME) isn’t this just a teen version of The Running Man meets Surviving the Game (starring Ice-T, Rutger Hauer, and Gary Busey)?  Not that that’s necessarily a deal breaker. I’ll put up with a lot to see Jennifer Lawrence running (*swoon*) and Stanley Tucci with a blue ponytail and a suit made of glitter (*double swoon*). The Tooch Man! I love it. Here, watch the trailer, and then show me on this doll exactly where it Tooched you.

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Captain America is probably going to suck, but at least now it has a trailer and poster that will help you pretend it won’t for a few minutes.  The most solid trailer to date, this one shows how it was that the CGI weakling Chris Evans (a 90-pound asthmatic) came to be recruited into Operation Steroids Are Awesome by America’s foremost big-titted scientist (not to be confused with Blake Lively, America’s foremost big-titted test pilot). Sgt. Von Spectacles, Stanley Tucci, tells Drill Instructor McPockmark, Tommy Lee Jones, that the qualities he’s looking for are “more than physical,” the same lie I’m constantly telling Match.com. That’s when he throws a fake grenade on the ground and Chris Evans immediately dives on it like a Jersey Shore castmember (I’m sorry. So very sorry.). After that, he’s in. Then they shoot him full of ‘roids and shave his chest, and all the chicks’ panties get moist while Tool plays. USA! USA! USA! (*points foam #1 finger, helicopters penis*)

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It seems a little anti-climactic after we’ve already broken down homoerotic sunglasses guy and reintroduced Expository Tommy Lee Jones, but now Marvel has released the full trailer for Captain America: The First Avenger.  There’s not a lot to say about it considering we’ve already seen the bulk of the footage, but I’d have to say my favorite part is the way they set up the character by having pre-Captain America Steve Rogers attempt to use a trash can lid as a shield.  HURRRR, FORESHADOWING!  He was DESTINED to become Captain America, you see!  COLONEL!  HAVE YOU SEEN THESE TEST RESULTS?  THE BOY SCORED IN THE 98TH PERCENTILE IN SHIELDING INSTINCTS!

I wish they’d gone this direction with Thor, where the entire first act is just Thor looking confused and sad, trying to hammer railroad spikes with a reuben sandwich.

[Directed by Joe Johnston, starring Chris Evans, Tommy Lee Jones, Hugo Weaving, Stanley Tucci, opens July 22nd]

Just when I thought this new Burlesque trailer had appealing to gay men down to a science — singin! Dancin! Drama! Cher! — boom, cinematic poison Cam Gigandet shows up.  He spends most of the trailer wearing a bowler hat, like somebody went out to the forest and kidnapped the ugliest sloth they could find and forced him to play A Clockwork Orange.  Anyway, if I can force myself to see beyond that hideously deformed river troll for a few seconds, and that means supressing my gag reflex, the plot is that Christina Aguilera comes to LA with just the clothes on her back and a dream, a dream that she would one day do softcore strip shows at one of those burlesque clubs that will be all the rage for the next six months.  But then Cher is all, “You think any super pretty girl with blonde hair a big boobs can just barge in here and get up onstage and dance, just because she’s got a Grammy nominated voice?  Please!  This is burlesque!  You wanna act like a bimbo you can take your ass back to Coyote Ugly!  NOW LEMME SEE YOUR JAZZ HANDS!  TEXAS?! ONLY STEERS AND QUEERS FROM TEXAS! NOW CHOKE YOURSELF!   AAAHHHHHH!”

Or something like that.  Anyway, musicals aren’t really my thing, but this one seems like it will be a lot better than Nine, mainly because it actually looks like a musical and not a perfume commercial.

DURRRRRRRR

After the jump, watch the first trailer for Burlesque, starring Cher, Christina Aguilera, and Stanley Tucci (The Tooch).  I would’ve put the video on top, but I wanted to capture the weird cross-eyed blink thing Christina Aguilera keeps doing with her eyes.  For the uninitiated, a burlesque dancer is basically a stripper who can read, and this movie would like us to believe that it’s making a comeback.  The movie itself looks like kind of a throwback to something made in the 30s or 40, but I mean that in a good way, because the dialogue is delightfully ridiculous.  Some of my favorites lines:

“When you are putting on your makeup, you’re like an artist, but instead of painting on canvas, you’re painting a face.”

CHER: What happened to all the great dancers in LA?
STANLEY TUCCI: They’re all dancing with the stars.

Allie?  Is that short for something?
Alice.
Well, Alice.  Welcome to wonderland.

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