There’s a new video from the Heinz Field set of The Dark Knight Rises in Pittsburgh floating around today, and I put it below the jump because it does contain some potentially big spoilers. I wouldn’t recommend watching it if you want to go into the movie cold, but I know some people would kill just for a glimpse of Chris Nolan’s skidmarked underpants, so here it is. I guess the big reveal is hearing what Bane’s voice sounds like. Let’s just say it’s a pretty big departure from “Don’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling.” But at least this time you can understand what the hell he’s saying this time, so there’s that.

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Oscar-nominated director Jim Sheridan is known for movies like My Left Foot, In the Name of the Father, In America, and Get Rich or Die Tryin’ (one of these things is not like the others, one of these things just doesn’t belong).  He seems to be continuing his “lol wut” career trajectory with Dream House starring Daniel Craig, Naomi Watts, Rachel Weisz, and Elias Koteas, all of whom deserve better than this.  The film releases September 30th, one year after it was supposed to come out.  The delay was for reshoots (always a good sign), which had to be delayed a year because Daniel Craig had better sh-t to do.

Kind of sad that the guy who made My Left Foot is now making a horror movie reminiscent of cheesy ’70s gimmicks like haunted houses, secret dwarf hookers, “it was all a dream OMGZORS”, and “the killer was you the whole time”.  Let’s just plow through this depressing development and describe this awful, movie-spoiling trailer.

Daniel Craig quits his “high power job in Manhattan” to relocate his hot wife and two adorable, never-bratty kids to a “quaint New England town”.  This never happens in cinema.  Soon weird things go down and they find out a murder occurred before they moved in, which they weren’t informed of by the realtor because laws don’t exist in this movie universe.  The wife and two kids who used to live in the house were murdered and the only suspect was the husband, who was institutionalized because deinstitutionalization never happened in this universe either.  Craig goes to the mental institution to talk to the guy for some reason, and he finds out *record scratch/spoiler alert* he is that guy and his family was dead the whole time. WHAT A TOTALLY ORIGINAL CONCEPT, AND PERFECTLY BEFITTING INCLUSION IN THE TRAILER.  Gaaah, f–k you, Dream House trailer.  I hate you so much.

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Remember how we spoiled the ending of The Orphan, where mini Madonna turned out not to be a child at all, but a rare, fully-grown, sociopathic dwarf hooker?  Well, after the jump I’m going to spoil Robert Pattinson and the annoying chick from Lost‘s new movie (CHAAAHLIE MY BAIBY NOOOAARR!).  It’s called Remember Me, you know the one, the one that has the commercial where the annoying chick is like, “Sorry, I don’t date sociology majors,” and  RPattz is all “Good thing I’m undecided,” and the Lost chick is like, “What are you undecided about?”  And he’s all, “I dunno, the meaning of life, my sexuality; everything.”

Yeah, we’re gonna spoil that.  Admit it, you weren’t going to see it anyway.  It might not be secret dwarf hooker worthy, but it’s still pretty juicy like my thighs.

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   If you understand the right side of this picture, you’re an O.G. Filmdrunkard.

Rachel McAdams was nice enough to go on The Daily Show last night and give away all the major plot points of The Time Traveler’s Wife, which opens today.  The video is inside.  Since the video only plays in the U.S., I’ll also type the spoilers out for you non-American drunkards out there in Djibouti and whatnot.

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Okay, guys, super spoiler alert.  This is an awesome story, but it will totally ruin the ending of Orphan.  Luckily, we’re talking the Orphan here, not a movie I’d actually pay money to see.  Join me after the jump for the fun!

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