The movie blogosphere is all a-jizz today over the news that Sony has hired David Lindsay-Abaire to write the script for Spider-Man 4 (Zodiac writer James Vanderbilt had previously written a draft).  Besides having a stupid hyphenated name, Lindsay-Abaire won a Pulitzer Prize in 2007 for his play Rabbitt Hole.

“Ooh, look at me, I have a Pulitzer Prize.”  Whatever.  I didn’t even know they had those in theater.  Who even watches plays anymore?  Plays are like movies without explosions or bare tits.  They might as well award a Pulitzer Prize in Alchemy, or riding horses.

Oh hey, and you know what else this guy wrote?  Inkheart.  With Brendan Fraser.  Case closed.  Advantage: me.  Mixed metaphors? Touchdown.

The Times Online reports that Tobey Maguire has signed a deal expected to be worth $50 million to shoot Spider-Man 4 and 5 back to back over six months next year.  Maguire only agreed after he was granted mornings and evenings off as “family time” to spend with his daughter “Ruby Sweetheart” (sorry for the quotes, it’s just a lame name).  Meanwhile, Steve McQueen’s widow basically called Maguire a pussy.

Some critics have mocked the current generation of Hollywood actors as “boy-men”. Steve McQueen’s widow Barbara said she could not imagine him asking for “family time” when making The Great Escape. Like McQueen, Maguire came from a troubled background. He planned to be a chef until his mother, an aspiring scriptwriter, gave him $100 to take acting rather than cooking lessons to make sure he “got to know the world”. It worked.

Hmm, I’m not sure wanting to spend time with your daughter makes you a pussy, but I know a crew full of people half-assing it for the money and a star who only works during the middle of the day will no doubt make for a really good movie.  Spider-Man 5: Because They Begged Us.

UPDATE: Not an update, per se, but I got the hair-flip .gif working again and I didn’t want to deny anyone its creepiness.

[Picture Source]

Someone apparently decided Tobey Maguire in skin-tight spandex wasn’t gay enough, so now they’re planning a musical adaptation.

Earlier this year Julie Taymor (The Lion King) announced plans to direct a Broadway musical based on Spider-Man. With Across The Universe now behind her, the casting process is upcoming. Taymor told The Daily Mail that she hopes to reteam with her Across The Universe cast for the stage project. Apparently Taymor would like to cast Jim Sturgess as Peter Parker aka Spider-Man and Evan Rachel Wood as Mary Jane Watson. [/Film]

I’d delve into who these actors actually are, but I’m too distracted with this whole Spiderman-as-a-musical concept.  Plus, I don’t give a sh*t about them.  What the hell is Broadway doing these days?  You just see a movie and then write some stupid ass song and dance numbers about it and call it a play?  The only way this works is if Wesley Wilis writes the music (and yes, I realize he’s dead, correction monkeys).  

In this case it’s not so much the play I’m looking forward to, it’s Adam Shankman’s film adaptation of the play ten years from now.  I bet it’ll be really uplifting, as long as you’re not a grumpy gus!