Sony announced that Rhys Ifans had joined the cast of Marc Webb’s 3D Spider-Man reboot a few days ago, and now speculation as to which character he’d play comes to an end, as TheWrap reports Ifans will play the kind of part you’d expect of a 40-something Welshman who usually plays rock stars: Lizard Man The Lizard.  Ifans joins Emma Stone as Peter Parker’s girlfriend Gwen Stacy and Scarfield as Peter Parker/Spider-Man.

The Lizard aka Curt Connors was a doctor who lost his right arm in the army and later studied lizards as a way to regenerate limbs.  He tested a serum for limb regeneration on himself, and it worked, but wouldn’t you know it, it turned him into lizard.  Wikipedia has a whole 6,000-word description of the character, but I think the main thing to remember is that he’s a dude who looks like a lizard.  Mother Theresa’s profile, incidentally, is 5,000 words.

It’s a little weird, because wasn’t the sticking point between Sony and Sam Raimi that led to this being a reboot that Raimi wanted to use classic villains like Sandman and Vulture, and the studio kept pushing him to use villains they thought would sell more toys, like Venom?  And now they’ve got a classic villain anyway.  Though if it’s between a fourth sequel with Tobey Maguire and a reboot with all these new people, I’m not sure which I’d choose.  All I know is that a really good scene would be one where Emo Spider-Man comes back to confront his replacement, Scarfield.  They wouldn’t actually fight, but they’d exchange such bitchy looks from across the bar, the tension would be palpable.

RELATED ASYLUM POLL: Are you happy that Spider-Man got a reboot?

"You looked."

Sony has announced in a press release that Welsh actor Rhys Ifans will be playing the villain in Marc Webb‘s upcoming 3D Spider-Man reboot with Scarfield and Emma Stone. The 42-year-old Ifans is a classic movie “that guy” who’s done solid supporting work in a billion movies and is perhaps best known to Americans as the kicker in The Replacements, which is on cable roughly every seven minutes.

Which villain Ifans will be playing has not yet been identified.  “Welsh Guy”, perhaps?  We could speculate, but if I sat here writing a post about which bad guys from the comic book I’d most like to see Spider-scarf fight, I’d have to kick my own ass.

The other day it was widely reported that Emma Stone would play Mary Jane Watson opposite Scarfield in Marc Webb’s Spider-Man reboot.  It was a little strange considering Emma Stone is pretty hot right now and Mary Jane isn’t even the main love interest in this one. But in the end, they both have red hair and that seemed like the natural order of things.  Fast forward to today, Sony announced in an official press release that Stone will be playing the main love interest, Gwen Stacy (previously played by Bryce Howard), and that she’s actually a natural blonde.  It’s like my whole life has been a lie.

Webb added, “The chemistry between Andrew [Scarfield] and Emma was stunning and made Emma the clear choice. At the heart of the story of Peter Parker is not only the amazing Spider-Man, but also an ordinary teenager who is wondering what he has to do to get the girl. Andrew and Emma will bring everything audiences expect to these roles, but also make them their own. Much to my surprise, it was fun to find out that our choice for Gwen (Emma) is also a natural blonde.” [via Deadline]

Anyone else think the way that was worded seems a little inappropriate for a press release?  “Hi, Mr. Bigshot director speaking.  I’d like to announce that this young starlet here just won the lead in my next movie.  And in related news, I found he she was a natural blonde!  Heh heh heh heh who wants to smell my finger?”

Deadline reports that Easy A‘s Emma Stone, the approachably-hot, squinty stoner chick you thought you might have had a chance with, has been tapped to play Mary Jane Rottencrotch Watson in the 3D, Marc Webb-directed, Scarfield-starring Spider-Man reboot.  That’s the great thing about actresses who play high-school girls, man.  I get older, they keep playin’ the same age.

Alright, alright, alright:

That leaves the four other actresses I mentioned yesterday (with the possibility they could widen the search [In other words, "there's a chance everything I'm reporting is totally wrong so don't blame me." -Ed.]) for the role of Gwen Stacy.  Those contenders are Glee‘s Dianna Agron, Mia Wasikowska, Georgina Haig and Dominique McElligott. Stacy, played in Spiderman 3 by Bryce Dallas Howard, is a plum part, because she is the first love interest of the high school-aged Peter Parker, played by Andrew Garfield.

Yes, yes, a plum part indeed.  All the ladies in Hollywood are practically lining up to hear Scarfield’s futurist poetry and Vampire Weekend mix tapes.  “Dude, this 3D is awesome!  I thought his unresolved Daddy issues were gonna hit me right in the face!”

If you ever wondered what a U2 song about Spider-Man would sound like, wonder no longer, because Reeve Carney, star of the Spider-Man musical with music from U2 and the Edge (screw those other guys, they should be thankful they’re not homeless), went on Good Morning America this morning to sing “Boy Who Falls from the Sky.”  Oh, don’t worry, the lyrics are super deep, you guys.  This makes “Yellow” look like “Your Body is a Wonderland.”

You can change your mind
but you cannot change your heart.
It’s a compass and a map, and a key to the chart.
You can fly too high, and get too close to the sun
see how the boy falls from the sky

IN THE NAAAAAAAAAME OF WEBS!  FLYING HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH ON MY SPIDER WEBS……

At the very least, the drummer has a sweet combover.  Meanwhile, director Julie Taymor sat down for a chat and showed off the designs for some of the villains.  Here’s Green Goblin:

Looks a little light in the goblin shoes, amirite?  I mean, I think I know what he‘s gobblin, and it ain’t green, gnome sayin?  (*toilet flush*) (*slide whistle*) (*bike horn*) (*squirts German Shepard with seltzer*).   Anyway, I don’t really understand theater.  Is this good?  I know plays are like movies for poor people, and Broadway is for people who want to spend a lot of money to do something obsolete, so I guess this is… fitting?  I don’t know.  I’ve tried to weigh the merits of this, but it’s kind of like reviewing the steam engine.

[via ToplessRobot]