PacificCoastNewsOnline has new pictures of Scarfield and Emma Stone on the set of Marc Webb’s Spider-Man reboot.  They look silly in them, so this is an important news story.  I think what happened was that Emma Stone was probably all like, “Hey, Scarfield, do your Judd Nelson impression!”

Then he was all like,”Heeey,” and she was all like, “HURRRRR,” braying with glee, as she’s wont to do. (*clops hooves*)

Haha, I love you, maturity.  Hurrr, Sloth Headbutt.

Julie Taymor’s Broadway version of Spider-Man with music by U2, Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark, cost a reported $65 million, which is a lot considering Kick-Ass only cost about half that and probably has way less singing.  It’s hard to say where the money went, but apparently it didn’t go to safety.   Actress Natalie Mendoza, who played the villain “Arachne”, suffered a concussion after being hit by a rope this week and had to be replaced by understudy America Olivo (pictured), a former Playboy model (giggity).  It’s strange, because your mom takes ropes to the face all the time, and she seems fine.

It’s the third accident to beset the troubled production that boasts the most complicated aerial stunts ever assembled for a Broadway show.
In October, aerialist Kevin Aubin broke both his wrists when he slammed down onto the stage during a flying stunt performed as part of a presentation for ticket brokers and group-sales agents. In a separate incident, another actor broke his foot while rehearsing the show. |NYPost|

I don’t get it, haven’t they been Peter Panning people through the air during stage shows for like 100 years? Seems like they’d have that figured out by now.  Or maybe it’s just really hard to hold onto your harness when you’re mid Jazz Hands.

Meanwhile, the Post reports that the producers of the show saw the sketch Conan did above and “the real Spidey team isn’t laughing.”  Oh boy, FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

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With all the time we spend talking about movies, we often forget about the cinema’s gay cousin, the theatah.  The opening of Julie Taymor’s $60 million, U2-scored Broadway version of Spider-Man (“Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark”), was reportedly delayed again recently. Behind schedule or not, it’s most definitely still happening, and as proof, Vogue recently did a spread on it with photographs by Annie Leibovitz, the famous Jew photographer.  The pictures are either really cool or really ridiculously stupid looking, depending on your perspective.  They’re definitely very Cabinet of Dr. Caligari-esque. Personally, I prefer to focus on how this is a hilarious self-parody on the level of Waiting for Guffman meets Spinal Tap.  Some excerpts from the article:

“In another, the choreographer Daniel Ezralow, a Momix founder and frequent Taymor collaborator, is working with a group of arachno–chorus girls, who, requiring eight stiletto heels each, could be described as unusually leggy.”

“Taymor and her cowriter, Glen Berger, have taken the basic contours of the familiar story and added elements of their own, including a geek chorus that comments on the action and a new supervillain drawn from Greek mythology.”

Carney, whose stunts are performed by a team of Spideys, says he strongly identifies with the role: “I’m a gentle, thoughtful person offstage—at least I try to be. But onstage, I turn into a bit of an animal. I guess that’s the Spider-Man in me.”

Anyone else imagine him singing that last part?  “I gueeeesss that’s just, the spiiiiider-man…. iiiiinn mmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…”   I also like to imagine Anna Wintour storming through the Vogue offices demanding that the Spider-Man spread be more fabulous.  “This is Spider-Man on Broadway, not Margaret Cho headlining some Chuck E. Cheese.  Now fetch me a sugar-free vanilla latte, you fat cow! And change into something a hobo didn’t give birth in!”

[bigger pictures available at Vogue]

In what might be the most hard-hitting piece of journalistic analysis I report this week, Spider-Man has been caught finger blasting a dolphin. (Side note: do you guys say “finger blasting” or “finger banging?”  I prefer the latter, but lately I’ve been hearing people use the former, which always seemed a bit bellicose, in my opinion).  Maybe it’s just me, but every time I look at this, I hear the Who intro from CSI Miami.

This would make the perfect Christmas present, especially if your draw in your office’s secret Santa exchange is Malcolm Brenner, Florida’s own world famous dolphin f**ker.  Hey, man, let he who’s never thought about shooting off a little webbing in a dolphin’s blowhole cast the first stone.  (That don’t make me gay, does it?)

Oh right, and also, Martin Sheen and Sally Field are set to play Scarfield‘s aunt and uncle in the upcoming Spider-Man reboot.  Sadly, that story didn’t lend itself as easily to dolphin sex jokes, so I avoided it.  YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHhhhhhh……

[Superpunch via GreatWhiteSnark]

Relax, relax, Scarfield is fine. The actor in question was working on Julie Taymor’s $65 million Spider-Man play.  A 65-million-dollar play, mother of God.  It’s like a steam engine made of unobtainium.

The latest and most painful disaster involves actor Kevin Aubin, who broke both his wrists while demonstrating a botched flying stunt for a small audience last week. Aubin is okay, if in casts. He wrote on Facebook, “well i dont know what im allowed to say. but something went wrong and i fell on my hands from a high distance. It happens, no one to blame. I’m alive and ok.” On the brighter side, the show sounds pretty amazing: Aubin hurt himself while being catapulted, as if by a slingshot, across the stage. According to someone who has seen it, “They are not just flying people around — they’re catapulting them! It’s like they’re being shot out of rubber bands … There are going to be Spider-Men flying all over the theater — right over your head — during the show.” [Vulture]

He broke the wrists in “a fall?”  Uh-huh, riiight.  Sure, buddy, whatever you say.  Look, as soon as I heard U2 was writing songs for a musical about Spider-Man, I knew dismissive-wank-related accidents would be inevitable. Don’t piss on my shoes and tell me it’s flooding.

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