After the jump I’ve got the first three minutes of the Wachowski Siblings’ Speed Racer, a movie with all the sexy car porn of The Fast and the Furious or Doomsday, in a format perfect for impressionable young children.  "The Mach 5 is sooo awesome!  I wonder what kind of mileage it gets!" the kids will shout.

Oh hey, and did I mention that it’s live-action but is very reminiscent of a cartoon??  I don’t know how they did it – it’s totally the exact opposite of what people normally do.  It’s like wearing socks on your hands, or underwear on your dog.  They sure flipped the nail on its head this time.

[Thanks to Robo for the tip]

Ali Dee and the Deekompressors recently released a video of their cover of the Speed Racer theme song that will play during the movie.

It’s the audio equivalent of a million blinking emoticons and thus, the perfect companion for this movie.  Everything I’ve seen surrounding Speed Racer so far has been a gangrape of the senses – and I mean that in the least sexy sense of the word.  I’m convinced this is some kind of propaganda film.  I think the working title was Maybe the Communists Were Right.

Speed Racer’s official website posted a new, even longer international trailer for the movie, coming May 9th. 

The Wachowski… er, Siblings’ latest project stars John Goodman, Susan Sarandon, Emile Hirsch, and Jack from Lost.  Combining George Lucas-style dialogue with groundbreaking, visually offensive special effects, Speed Racer is specially formulated to appeal to the 10-year-old Japanese girl in all of us (or at least the non-epileptics).

Will Speed team up with his longtime rival Racer X, take down Royalton industries, and win the race that took his older brother’s life???  Meh, probably.  I think this movie would be more interesting if it was about actual speed freaks, who would take some speed, and then race each other to get more speed.  The winner would be the first person whose heart exploded. Runner up organizes my kitchen pantry alphabetically.  I smell the feel-good hit of the century.

UPDATE: /Film has a newer, even longer (Four minutes) trailer, with even more footage.  Still the same movie, unfortunately. The story looks really lightweight and paint-by-numbers.  The only really unique thing about it is how it looks – and to me the look is just kind of annoying.

The studio just released four new Speed Racer posters and a new trailer on Apple.

As award-winning commenter “Android” says, "Physics called, it wants its laws back." 

This is the full-length domestic trailer for the Wachowski Brothers‘ Siblings’ Speed Racer.  It opens in May and stars Emile Hirsch, Matthew Fox, John Goodman, Susan Sarandon, and Christina Ricci.  

Why is that G-rated movies always turn out really creepy?  Would a mom really tell her son, "You just take my breath away," in a throaty voice?  She must’ve gone to the Joe Simpson school of parenting.  That’s not something my mom would tell me – it’s something your mom would tell me.  Zing!

Anyway, this movie still reminds me of cotton candy that’s been deep fried, carmelized, and covered in rainbow sprinkles.  My tummy hurts.