Every year since 1980 The Razzie Awards have honored the worst Hollywood has to offer.  Their trophy isn’t shaped like a pile of shit, but it should be.  This year’s nominees:

Worst Picture:
Speed Racer, Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans, The Day the Earth Stood Still, High School Musical 3, The Hottie & The Nottie, Dungeon Siege, The Love Guru, Postal, Rambo, The Happening, Meet Dave, Witless Protection

Worst Actor:
Zac Efron, Dane Cook, Larry the Cable Guy, Eddie Murphy, Al Pacino, Keanu Reeves, Sylvester Stallone, Tom Cruise (Valkyrie), Will Ferrell, Ashton Kutcher, Mike Myers, Adam Sandler, Mark Wahlberg

Worst Actress:
Paris Hilton, Jessica Alba, The cast of “The Women,” Camilla Belle, Cameron Diaz, Kate Hudson, Diane Keaton, Jennifer Connelly, Zooey Deschanel [HOW DARE YOU!], Vanessa Hudgens, Eva Longoria-Parker, Reese Witherspoon

Worst Screen Couple:
Any couple from HSM 3, Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton & Joel David Moore, Kate Hudson & Dane Cook, Kate Hudson & Matthew McConaughey, Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy, Any couple from Mamma Mia, Eddie Murphy & Eddie Murphy (Meet Dave), Al Pacino & His Hair, Mark Wahlberg & Zooey Deschanel, Mark Wahlberg & Mila Kunis, Sylvester Stallone & His Ego

Worst Director:
Uwe Boll, Scott Derrickson, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, Tom Putnam, Marco Schnabel, Sylvester Stallone, Jon Avnet, Diane English, Roland Emmerich, Brian Robbins, Kenny Ortega, M. Night Shyamalan

Worst Prequel, Sequel, Remake or Rip-Off:
Indiana Jones 4, HSM 3, Rambo, Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Disaster Movie, Meet the Spartans, An American Carol, The Women, The Day the Earth Stood Still, Prom Night, Speed Racer, X-Files: I Want To Believe

Worst Career Achievement:
Uwe Boll, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, Madonna, Keanu Reeves, Sylvester Stallone

I’m crossing my fingers for a Seltzer-Friedberg sweep.  Then when they show up to collect their awards and fake smile and pretend to be good sports, which they probably would because they’re huge tools like that, the trophy could squirt them with poison gas.  Just a thought.

The box office figures I posted yesterday were based on studio estimates. Revised figures were released today showing that Speed Racer actually bombed even worse than first reported. Originally listed in the number two spot with $20.2 million, it was downgraded to third with $18.6 million. But it’s okay, Speed Racer, no matter what place you’re in, I’ll always think of you as a big number two.  

Some are even accusing Warner Bros. execs of deliberately overestimating the gross. Nikki Finke quoted a studio exec yesterday saying, "That’s a very aggressive Sunday estimate to try and claim 2nd," and it’s looking like he was right.  Today she reports that star Emile Hirsch has fired his agent.

Moreover, expect "industry analysts" to quantify and break down Speed Racer‘s failure into truthy little chunks that have nothing to do with reality.  It was a bad idea for a movie, that’s all that needs to be said – get over it, it’s not the Iraq war. And anyway, the directors and the majority of the cast are respected and established stars – this isn’t going to hurt them that much.

The real loser here is the chimp. You just know someone’ll write a movie starring a former High School Musical castmember and a chimp, or a movie about chimps saving the rec center. Some exec’ll greenlight it, but then he’ll be like, "Hold on, are we talking the Speed Racer chimp here?  Oh, forget this – that chimp’s box office poison." 

In its first weekend Speed Racer failed to earn even half of Iron Man’s gross, and only just barely edged out What Happens in Vegas.  Full top ten:

1. "Iron Man," $50.5 million.
2. "Speed Racer," $20.2 million.
3. "What Happens in Vegas," $20 million.
4. "Made of Honor," $7.6 million.
5. "Baby Mama," $5.8 million.
6. "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," $3.8 million.
7. "Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay," $3.2 million.
8. "The Forbidden Kingdom," $1.9 million.
9. "Nim’s Island," $1.3 million.
10. "Redbelt," $1.1 million.

"Our tracking was stalled toward the end," said Dan Fellman, president of Warner Bros. theatrical distribution, about market surveys before the "Speed Racer" opening. Fellman added "Speed Racer" would have difficulty recouping its $120 million budget. "Unfortunately it didn’t perform to our expectations," he said. [Source]

Gee, I never would’ve imagined a really serious remake of a cheesy cartoon that even in the 80s people only liked for the novelty value would be a failure at the box office.  “Oooh, I was vaguely aware of this when I was 8.  Now that I’m in my late 20s, I’d really like to see a swearing, nudity, and violence-free version of it.  Fingers crossed that it takes itself really seriously!” 

I hope this doesn’t effect plans for my Saved by the Bell adaptation.  We were really shooting for a big budget.

Opening:

Speed Racer
Yahoo has the first seven minutes of Speed Racer online (watch it after the jump), and I’m pretty comfortable saying that it’s like being stuck in a retarded 10-year-old’s coma fantasy.  It’s totally new and different, and revolutionary in how much it hurts the fuck out of my face and brain.  By the end, I was curled into a fetal position, crying into the beige towel I wrapped around my head.  Shoulda taken the blue pill.

What Happens in Vegas
The Las Vegas Board of Tourism reminds you not to think too hard.  If you’ve ever seen a romantic comedy, you’ve already seen this.  If you still want to see it, it’s probably because you’re really pretty and all your friends are just jealous bitches.

The Fall
Has potential and has received rave reviews from some, but in my mind awesome visuals don’t outweigh the little girl and her creepy accent.  Or maybe she’s really cute, what the hell do I know.  I just want them to make a prequel called Chick with Big Cans Walking Down Stairs.

^{WATCH THE MATTHEW FOX INTERVIEW AFTER THE JUMP} 

I didn’t remember this, but apparently in Knocked Up there’s a part where Katherine Heigl is supposed to go interview Matthew Fox from Lost and Seth Rogen says, "Hey, you know what’s interesting about him?  Nothing." Anyway, some dude over at MTV interviewed Fox recently and decided to make things really awkward by asking him about it, and Fox went out of his way to say he hadn’t seen the movie and had no interest in it.

“Those types of movies are not, like, my deal.” 
"Totally oblivious to it, haven’t seen the movie, it’s not my cup of tea, duuude."

Asked what kind of movies were his cup of tea, Fox said, "I like, you know, Fellini and Bresson and, like, other old filmmakers I’ve heard smart people talk about.  That one foreigner, he’s my favorite."  Poor lil’ guy, it was a cheap shot, I know.  Does your widdow vagina hurt?  Come here and let daddy kiss it and make it better.  Wait, no, that came out wrong.  …I’m going to be a horrible father.