I have a little theory about Adam Sandler.  Somewhere between Waterboy and Little Nicky I think he decided to test his own power and see just how f-cking awful a comedy he would have to make for it not to be a ridiculous success.  And for about ten years now, he’s been King Midas’ asshole, dropping one golden turd after another.  Will Bedtime Stories be the one to break the spell?  Reasons it might:

- The worst director in Hollywood
- Little kid with lisp (I hate them! I hate them! I hate them!)
- The most overused plot device in history (I had a dream about a dog bite and when I woke up, ZOMG! Teeth marks!)
- Courtney Cox (don’t believe me?  Other movies she’s been in: November, Get Well Soon, Alien Love Triangle, Zoom, The Tripper, 3000 Miles to Graceland…)

Ha, who am I kidding?  This is just like one of those inexplicably successful Brendan Fraser movies, but with Adam Sandler.  This is going ten hundred squintillion dollars and an executive somewhere is going to buy a thousand-foot yacht made entirely out of LA sluts with big fake tits.

Ellen Page, star of Juno (which recently passed Sideways as Fox Searchlight’s highest grossing movie ever, and has also already outearned Little Miss Sunshine) may star in Drew Barrymore’s directorial debut.

Whip It is Drew Barrymore’s forthcoming directorial debut, due to start production in March. It’s a coming-of-age tale about a girl who finds her identity through the power of roller derby, based on Shauna Cross’ novel, Derby Girl. 

Cross tells FilmSchoolRejects “rumor is the lead could be played by an actress whose name rhymes with Shmellen shmage”, though personally I hope she’s not that schmucking schmumb. She’d have to be a shmodshmamned shmetard to be in this shmiece of shmit.

Jesus, Drew Barrymore has to be near the top of my “How is s/he still working list?”  Aside from being a horrible actress who rotted one of Tom Green’s nuts off with her succubus venom, she has an annoying speech impediment that makes it sound like she’s constantly leaking air.  You’re rich as hell – hire a goddamned speech coach.  Don’t they have rehab for former child actors who can’t talk?  I know some asshole casting director thought your inability to communicate was cute once upon a time, but you’re an adult now, and much like skinny dipping in the city pool, some stuff doesn’t fly anymore. 

Guh, speech impediments creep me out more than midgets and harelips combined. Honestly, people who are less than perfect should just be rounded up and sent to camps.  I wonder why no one’s thought of it before.