Feast your eyes on the new trailer for The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Jerry Bruckheimer’s latest insult to the collective intelligence.  I don’t even know where to begin.  Is Jay Baruchel’s voice for real?  I guess he’s gotten so much work with that affected nasally drone that he’s already become a parody of himself.  He’s only 28.  In a few years, you won’t even be able to make out words, it’ll just be a long string of unintelligible nostril sounds, like latter-day Bob Dylan records.

NIC CAGE
You’ll never believe this, Billy! You’re not a simple janitor at all, you’re the modern-day descendant of Beezus Sparklefeather, the ancient tamer of unicorn ponies!

JAY BARUCHEL
REE-HEE REEEEEE NGHEEEE ERREEEEEEEE…

There’s so many unbelievably idiotic things going on in this trailer (poor Alfred Molina, I love you so, it hurts to see you like this). I couldn’t possibly mention them all.  But if there’s one microcosm of the film as a whole, it’s this: Not only is there a nutshot in the trailer, IT COMES FROM A CGI BALL OF PLASMA.

If you like this I f*cking hate you.

Really?  Tell me there aren’t really people out there who see this new Sorcerer’s Apprentice poster and go, “Hot damn, Nic Cage in a silly wig and a smoking dragon ring?  And it’s from the guy who directed National Treasure?  Cancel the noodlin’ trip, boys, we’re a-goin’ to the multiplex!”

You just know that ring is exactly the kind of thing Nic Cage would keep as a souvenir and wear around town too.  It’s just his style.  The snake on there really matches his snakes.

In the film, Balthazar Blake (Cage) is a master sorcerer in modern-day Manhattan trying to defend the city from his arch-nemesis, Maxim Horvath (Molina). Balthazar can’t do it alone, so he recruits Dave Stutler (Baruchel), a seemingly average guy who demonstrates hidden potential, as his reluctant protégé. The sorcerer gives his unwilling accomplice a crash course in the art and science of magic, and together, these unlikely partners work to stop the forces of darkness. [ComingSoon - higher res poster available there]

I expect a Jerry Bruckheimer movie to be sh*tty, but HOW F*CKING UNINSPIRED IS THAT?  It’s like they tied a screenwriter to a chair, shot him full of drugs, beat the sh*t out of him, and in between blows made him whimper out a treatment.

“What’s our movie, monkey?!”

*baseball bat to the shoulder*

“Auugggh!  Uh… Mentor comedy!  Mentor comedy!”

“Good.  That’s what I thought. Now, what does he teach him?!”

*shocks testicles with car battery*

“Owww!  Uh…. Magic!  It’s about magic!  They fight evil with magic, oh God make it stop, please!”

Werner Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant comes out on DVD and Blu-Ray this week, and they didn’t send me any clips or DVDs or anything, even though I’ve been screaming about how awesome it is to anyone who would listen since it came out.  It’s all part of their plan that it not be seen by anyone ever.  Anyway, MTV got this exclusive clip of Werner on set from the DVD extras.  It’s actually kind of boring, because it lacks the one thing I want from a Bad Lieutenant behind the scenes, and that’s Werner Herzog demanding that Nic Cage “RELEESS ZA PIGS!”

Again, God forbid anyone actually see this movie.  In related news, Nic Cage has blond hair now (your argument is invalid).  Here’s what he said in a recent interview:

“See, Werner doesn’t really know a lot about jazz. He’s incredibly knowledgeable about classical music and we had good conversations about that. But being that we were in New Orleans, which is the birthplace of jazz, and being that my own particular approach, when it’s at its best — and it’s not always achievable — is jazz in terms of the style of acting. And when I say jazz, I mean you know your lines so well that you go off your lines and you improvise and then the people you work with improvise with you and you pick it up and then you rephrase and you form. If you look at the Miles Davis story, it’s a really interesting documentary and there are some really good passages about jazz and Herbie Hancock talks about it brilliantly and it’s like we were all magicians picking up each other’s phrases musically and then Miles would come in and put a lid on it and that’s exactly what I was hoping to get to with ‘The Bad Lieutenant.’”

Of his upcoming role in Jerry Bruckheimer’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Cage said it was more like when Miles Davis and Herbie Hancock were jamming, and then Kenny G came in with his dopey flute sax and started playing his echo-y oatmeal music, so Miles Davis grabbed it out of his hand and shoved it up his ass, and then Kenny G started farting, and the farts were coming out of the sax in these weird squeaks and rattles, and sometimes he’d really let one go with a lot of gas, and it would sound just like Kenny G’s normal sax playing.  Hence the slogan, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice: a soprano sax filled with farts.

In today’s episode of Who’s More Embarrassed, we pit Brendan Fraser, in the poster for his latest wacky family comedy, Furry Vengeance; vs. Nic Cage, in New York this week to do reshoots on Sorcerer’s Apprentice, and have lunch with his best friends, Silly Wig and Pointy Shoes.

It’s a tough one, but I’m gonna have to go with Brendan Fraser.  Although this poster may actually be the least embarrassing picture from this movie so far (see below), there’s still that title, “Furry Vengeance.”  It’s supposed to be a family movie, but it’s really one entendre away from being called Juggalo Sex Boat.  Plus, I’ve gotta think Nic Cage mostly lacks the capacity for embarrassment by now.  I could easily imagine him in costume with a silly wig and trench coat made of chain mail, with a big pink dildo bolted to his enormous forehead, and still just walking right into the McDonald’s next store and telling the clerk, “Hi, I’m Nicolas Cage and I’d like a cola.”

Anyway, if Brendan Fraser’s going to be embarrassed about anything, it should be this:

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(It’s Sorcerer’s Apprentice vs. Dragonball in the annual Ridiculous Hair Hadouken Hoedown.)

Foist your eyes on the first trailer for The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, which re-teams Nic Cage with super turd producer Jerry Bruckheimer in a high-octane thrillship to adventureburg.  Just when you think you can’t handle anymore of your mind getting blown, Nic Cage cooks up some balls of magic and dangles them in Jay Baruchel’s face.  Jay Baruchel is the chosen one, you see, and Nic Cage is to school him in the ways of sorcering.  Of course he doesn’t know this yet, but you can tell he’s destined for greatness in the supernatural world, because in sh-tty movies, one’s future greatness in the magical realm is inversely proportional to how much of an unremarkable douche one is in the present.  Keep dreaming, Danny Masterson.

UPDATE: Now with 100% more hadoukens!

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