Some snoots over at “Sony Pictures” or “IMDB” might tell you that this latest film produced by Happy Madison stars someone called “Kevin James,” and is titled “Here Comes the Boom.” But you and I both know that’s not true. This is actually part of the ever-popular “Paul Blart Presents” series, with this particular title being “Paul Blart Presents: Mixed Martial Farts.” (Alternately, Paul Blart: Mall Cro Cop). Anyway, this is it. The movie we’ve all been waiting for. Paul Blart saves the rec center with MMA, an idea so lame and generic that I essentially came up with it in a headline four years ago only to see it became a real script from Allan Loeb, a screenwriter who’s managed to write approximately a million scripts that all seem like they took less than an hour. You can watch the trailer below, but I warn you, there’s not a single fart, groin shot, or record scratch. Not even a scene where Paul Blart cries because he can’t have pie while he’s cutting weight. Man, even when I’m expecting the worst, Kevin James, Allan Loeb, and Happy Madison still manage to disappoint.

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HUGH FARTED. Man, sometimes these things just caption themselves.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, Hugh “I have a girl’s first name for a last name” Laurie is in final negotiations to play the villain in MGM’s remake of Robocop. Laurie joins a cast that already includes Joel Kinnaman as the lead, Gary Oldman as Robocop’s creator, and Samuel L. Jackson as a media mogul who constantly screams “motherf*cker” (I hope). The remake is being directed by Elite Squad‘s Jose Padilha.

During the Elite Squad 2 Q & A at Sundance, I asked Jose Padilha if he was going to keep making cool movies in Brazil or take a huge paycheck in Hollywood for some crappy blockbuster, and he said “I’m not interested in paychecks.” I guess remakes don’t count? Hindsight being 20/20, I really wish I’d shouted “I’ll buy THAT for a dollar!”

Laurie will play the evil and ultra-rich CEO of Omnicorp, the company that makes Robocop.

The actor, repped by WME and Hamilton Hodell in the U.K., starred as the abrasively eccentric and brilliant title character of House M.D. for eight seasons, gaining five Emmy nominations in the process. He most recently appeared on the big screen inThe Oranges, anchoring the ensemble indie drama. [THR]

I don’t really know much about House, but from what I’ve heard, I’m guessing this means that at some point, Robocop gets diagnosed with lupus.

[Photo credit: Helga Esteb, Shutterstock]

I haven’t seen The Amazing Spider-Man yet, but last time I posted a trailer, where Spider-Man talks to some thugs like a sarcastic, condescending New Yorker, I noted that Spider-Man (played by Andrew “Scarfield” Garfied)… kind of seems like an A-hole in this one. This latest clip (which shows the “Spider-Man Basketball” scene that’s already been hinted at in publicity stills) seems to drive the point home even more, with Peter Parker mercilessly humiliating the head jock to the point that you expect him to start asking “Why you hitting yourself, huh? Why you hitting yourself?”

Have Hollywood’s screenwriters have finally taken this embittered nerd wish-fulfillment thing too far?

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After Battleship bombed and Universal mostly nixed their plans for a bunch of board game movies (notably Stretch Armstrong, starring Taylor Lautner), you might have thought this toys-becoming-movies trend was on its way out. It’s too bad Sony’s still picking up Universal’s sloppy seconds, and after announcing that Happy Madison would produce a Candyland movie back in January, today, the House That Sandler’s Flunkies Built has been announced as a partner to Sony and Hasbro in producing a Tonka Truck movie. Huh, I wonder if there’ll be any product placement.

The press release, via Collider:

TONKA, the Hasbro brand that for 65 years has stood for its line of toy trucks for children, will bring its TONKA toughness to the big screen in a fully animated motion picture to be produced by Sony Pictures Animation, Hasbro and Happy Madison Productions.

The new TONKA project strengthens the growing ties between Sony Pictures and Hasbro, following the announcements that Sony Pictures is developing motion pictures based on Hasbro’s RISK and CANDY LAND brands. CANDY LAND is also a Happy Madison project.

[The project] will be written by Fred Wolf [SNL's TV Funhouse].

I seriously hope that Hasbro is paying Sony this time, instead of the other way around. The idea that a movie studio would PAY for the privilege of making them a 90-minute toy commercial is mind boggling, and I don’t boggle lightly. In any case, I eagerly await the sound of a trailer announcer’s voice shouting, Starring KEVIN JAMES, as FARTY THE GARBAGE TRUCK!

"Yo Al Qaeda Predator, chiggity check yo self."

Just the other day, we brought you the news that Channing Tatum would be starring in a film from Independence Day/The Patriot-director Roland Emmerich. The film is called White House Down, for Sony, with a premise described as “Die Hard in the White House,” and a script from the writer of The Losers, The Rundown, and the upcoming Total Recall remake (these are all true things, I swear). Burnsy seems to have a source very close to this project, because he was able to share an exclusive excerpt of the script in his original post. I don’t know how Burnsy gets his hands on so much C-Tates-related material, and come to think of it, both he and C-Tates are about the same age, both from Florida, both C-walk like angels, and to my knowledge, have never been photographed or seen in the same room together. In any case, we’ll hopefully be able to continue posting excerpts and behind-the-scenes information from the film, starting with today’s exclusive selection from the official storyboard.

Enjoy:

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