After last year’s Worst Movies feature, I received feedback from some readers and Twitter folk about me possibly being “too negative” and “mean” when it came to criticizing films that I chose to watch for this annual hate crime report. Some people even pulled the “What movies have you written?” card, which is cheap because I can just turn around and ask what dog they’ve ever photoshopped a mustache on, and BOOM – argument over.

Hundreds, if not thousands, of films are made each year, and a lot of them are bad. That’s not just by my standards; that’s by the standards of the majority. I have never, in the several years that Vince has let me poison the quality of his website, proclaimed to be a critic. I am just a bro who likes watching movies, and I have a naïve innocence that lets me still believe that people in Hollywood care about making quality films. Then I watch Bucky Larson and that gullible side of me is shoved into a wood chipper.

So how, then, do I determine which of the many, many mainstream films that I have watched in 2012 are the absolute worst of the worst of the WORST? It’s a little pinch of common sense mixed with a dash of “Come on, that’s just f*cking awful”. But I also have some rules, and let’s review them now…

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"You want your milk pasteurized?" "No, only up to my ass crack."

That’s right folks, Snow White And The Huntsman is the hot new release this week.  There’s also What To Expect When You’re Expecting, so it’s a big week for ladies with poor taste in movies, I guess.  There’s also films starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sean Bean, Ray Liotta, Sean Astin, and Tom Sizemore.  We’ve got movies about militant Mexicans, ill-advised adoptions, teen prostitutes, and super hero party clowns.  There’s even some non-super heroic clowns, but they still look like they party!

The DVDs:
Snow White And The Huntsman
What To Expect When You’re Expecting
Lola Versus
Girl In Progress
Goats
6 Bullets
Cleanskin
Bad Karma
For Greater Glory
Adopting Terror
Elles
Stealing Las Vegas
Game Of Life
Rosewood Lane
Letting Go
Super Hero Party Clown
Scary Or Die
Beyond The Black Rainbow
After The Triumph Of Your Birth
Future World: City Of Mass Destruction

Want to know which film is written and directed by a convicted child molester? Continue reading.  Want to know which film is NC-17?  Continue reading.  Want to skip right to the boring Netflix suggestions?  Click here, but you did notice I mentioned teen prostitutes, right?

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Late yesterday, The Hollywood Reporter wrote an exclusive story about how Universal had dropped Kristen Stewart from its Snow White & the Huntsman sequel plans, writing that it was being “reconceived” as a spinoff movie about Chris Hemsworth’s character, the Huntsman. It got sent to me no less than five times this morning and covered on every movie site on up to the NY Daily News, because people like hearing that Kristen Stewart got fired. No one really likes her outside of Twilight fans. The only problem is, it’s not really true. Universal was always planning for a sequel that focuses on Chris Hemsworth. This according to the Hollywood Reporter’s own reporting.

Universal chief Ron Meyer said that while the upcoming Snow White and the Huntsman doesn’t appear to lend itself to a sequel, Universal thinks it can do more movies based on the character of the Huntsman (Chris Hemsworth) if it is successful.

That was in April. This morning, they wrote:

Sources tell The Hollywood Reporter that the sequel to June’s Snow White, which starred Stewart, Hemsworth and Charlize Theron, is being reconceived as a spinoff movie. It’s unclear whether director Rupert Sanders will return, though one source with ties to the production says he will. However, screenwriter David Koepp, who had been hired to pen the continuation of the original film, is being settled out of his rich contract, according to sources, as the project is being transformed into something other than the movie that Koepp had been hired to write.

The move comes in the wake of Stewart, 22, and the married Sanders, 41, apologizing publicly for a romantic affair after compromising photos of the duo were published in July. (Stewart was dating her Twilight co-star Robert Pattinson.) While it might have been awkward for Stewart and Sanders to reunite for a sequel, it is not clear why the decision to move forward without Stewart was made.

Ah, now we see the motive, a nice excuse to write “Kristen Stewart Rupert Sanders Affair Robert Pattinson Awkward” in an article. You know, just to catch people up! Huh, I wonder what KATE UPTON’S BARE BREASTS HOLDING A KITTEN think about this. *cough* LESBIANS!

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So, uh… I wasn’t planning to write about this whole Kristen Cheated on Rob! story, but that was before the people involved started issuing official statements about it. A 22-year-old broad cheated on her boyfriend? STOP THE PRESSES! What’s next, her boyfriend calls a press conference about his premature ejaculation?

Anyway, as Stewart told People after getting busted cheating (Us Weekly got a picture where he might be kissing her boobs) with her married director of Snow White and the Huntsman, Rupert Sanders:

“I’m deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I’ve caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I’m so sorry,” Stewart said in a statement Wednesday. [People]

Stewart’s camp appears to be in serious damage-control mode, with a source telling People magazine that the actress has been reeling from her betrayal of Pattinson, 26, her boyfriend of three years whom she first met while filming the first “Twilight” installment. “It was a mistake and a complete lapse in judgment. “She wasn’t having an affair with Rupert. It was just a fleeting moment that shouldn’t have happened. She never meant to hurt anyone. She’s a good person who just made a bad choice.”
“Kristen is absolutely devastated,” the source said. [NYDailyNews]

She’s all torn up inside! Anxiously twirling her hair and biting her lip, no doubt. She’s probably all full of angst, you don’t have to be a source close to Kristen to figure that out. Meanwhile, Sanders, 41, issued a statement of his own:

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REEEEEMIX

One story I didn’t get to cover last week was the backlash against Snow White & The Huntsman from dwarf groups, who swarmed it, tying it to the beach and jabbing at it with tiny pitch forks objected to the way it cast full-sized actors like Nick Frost and Ian McShane as the seven dwarves (one of the few entertaining bits of the film) and had them digitally shrunk, instead of just casting regular, dwarf-ass dwarves as the dwarves and not having to dwarf them all up. Various rights groups tend to bitch about various movies for various reasons, but in this case, Warwick Davis was jumped into the fray, and you don’t f*ck with Willow, man.

Davis tells E! Online, “Considering the vast experience of many short actors working in the film industry today, I think it inexcusable that in casting for Snow White & the Huntsman, producers did not utilize this pool of talent. My colleague Peter Dinklage won an Emmy for his performance in Game of Thrones, proving that short actors need roles that will not only challenge them, but allow them to express themselves as actors in their own right.
“It is not acceptable to ‘black up’ as a white actor, so why should it be acceptable to ‘shrink’ an actor to play a dwarf?”

You have to admit, the guy has a point. Plus, he looks so cute when he’s mad, you just want to pinch his lil’ cheeks!

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