We’ve known for some time that The Smurfs would be getting the Alvin and the Chipmunks treatment (BIG F*CKING GLASSY EYES! DANCING TO POPULAR MUSIC!).  We’ve also seen Hank Azaria in costume as Gargamel.  But today for the first time, we see an official picture of the smurfs.  Oh I know, I was as smurfed as you are.  Smurf me up a super-lame lead, USA Today.

The Smurfs are three apples tall, according to creator Peyo.  Of course, that doesn’t mean much in the Big Apple.

(*riding by on biplane*)  OOOOOOHHHHH SNNNNAAAaaaaaaaappppp…..

Of course, the original Smurfs was about Gargamel wanting to eat them, and implied cannibalism was quickly deemed too edgy for the generation of twinks we’ve raised on Zac Efron and The Disney Channel.  Changes had to be made.  Script, cast out thy consequences.

Eating the Smurfs was always Gargamel’s unfulfilled goal, but that’s one idea the filmmakers decided to scrap. “We all wondered whether we would be making a family version of Sweeney Todd,” jokes producer Jordan Kerner (Charlotte’s Web). Now, Gargamel simply wants to capture the Smurfs to serve as charms, whose mystical essence will make his inept magic more powerful — and dangerous.

A bad guy trying to eat you?  I don’t get it.  That’s stupid.  A bad guy trying to collect you like Pokemon cards?  Great, makes total sense now.  They also report that there’s also a new character, “Gutsy”, who they describe as “brave to a fault.”  I’m sure he’ll be right at home with the other new smurfs, “Bloggy” and “Participation Ribbon.”  WAIT!  DID SOMEONE SAY MAGIC??

This movie needs more Nic Cage.  There should be a smurf named Nic Cage.  He teaches the other smurfs magic with his ridiculous hair.

Over the weekend, the internets obtained these new pictures of Hank Azaria (Apu, Chief Wiggum) in costume as Gargamel in the Smurfs movie.  Smurfs 3D hits theaters in August, and I’m sure it’ll be good because the cast includes both Kenan Thompson and Jeff Foxworthy, the Crockett and Tubbs of comedy.

In the 3D August 3, 2011 release, the evil wizard Gargamel chases the tiny blue Smurfs out of their village and they tumble from their magical world into ours – in the middle of Central Park. Just three apples high and stuck in the Big Apple [*pantomimes blowjob* -Ed.], the Smurfs must find a way to get back to their village before Gargamel tracks them down.

The cast includes Neil Patrick Harris, Jayma Mays, Sofia Vergara, Anton Yelchin, Jonathan Winters, Katy Perry, Alan Cumming, Fred Armisen, George Lopez, Paul Reubens, John Oliver, Kenan Thompson, B.J. Novak, Jeff Foxworthy, Wolfgang Puck and Gary Basaraba. [ComingSoon]

I’m sick of all the mythical creatures coming to New York and driving down our property values.  Every store in my neighborhood either sells liquor or magic wands, it’s depressing.  But I’ll tell you this, if you ever see me chasing around short blue guys in their underwear, it’ll probably be because of an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident.  Or you’re just really high.

The website PVC Blue is dedicated to all things smurf, especially PVC smurfs, which apparently isn’t some esoteric smurf offshoot, but rather just what it sounds like: smurf dolls made out of PVC, like the pipes.  Oh, internet, you teach me something useless every day.  Anyway, the PVC Blue folks appear to have dug up the first image of a CGI smurf from the upcoming Smurfs 3D, which PVC Blue calls “Smurfy news!”

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Now that they’ve literally greenlit a gum wrapper from the 50s, there isn’t much they could make into a movie that would surprise me.  Today’s news is that Sony’s 3D, Alvin and the Chipmunks-style Smurfs movie (which everyone had forgotten about and that’s why this is news) has a release date.

Smurfs 3D is scheduled for a December 17, 2010 release. The Colin Brady-directed film was written by David Stem and David Weiss. [ComingSoon]

Hey, remember how Smurf Village only had one chick?  That’s probably why the Smurfs always had BLUE BALLS!  Hey, and what’s the deal with airline food?