Continuing its tradition of being theoretically awesome but a chore to actually sit through, The Expendables franchise added two more aging action legends to the cast of its sequel back in September, and now the first pictures of Norris and JCVD have hit the web (via ComingSoon). Continuing the tradition of silly names, according to IMDB, Norris is playing “Booker,” while Van Damme will portray “Jean Vilain.”  Just going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing the latter is a bad guy. In either case, I’m sure their characters will be introduced only in the most organic, necessary-to-the-plot manner. (Sidenote: It must be awesome for Chuck Norris that he has all those Chuck Norris Facts to distract people from what a whack job he actually is.)

I also enjoy that they managed to get a Belgian in a black turtle neck and a Hollywood producer in tinted shades and a ridiculously unnecessary scarf. All that’s missing is an Italian guy in a speedo flipping pizza dough and a Mexican pulling a donkey. Come to think of it, Danny Trejo should really be in this. Playing “Juan Tofessobee” or something.
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(*mops brow, attempts to compose self*)

Okay, okay, Madonn’, enough horseplay. Let me tell you’s about this here fancy dragon pen.

Drawing inspiration for the theme and design of his signature pen from his wildly-successful film, The Expendables, Mr. Stallone turned to classical art and worked with Montegrappa’s artisans to create the “Chaos” pen. The pen design was cultivated by the works of 16th century artists including Battista Franco, Albrecht Durer, Hans Sebald Beham and Antonio Pollaiolo to create Mr. Stallone’s idea of Chaos; a sense of the Renaissance, when things were more simplified and perhaps more noble, placed against our current technological society.
The “Chaos” pen is the first from the “Cult” collection and is available as a limited edition of 1,000 fountain pens and 912 roller balls in sterling silver, which represents Montegrappa’s 1912 date of establishment. Additionally, 100 fountain pens and 100 roller balls in solid 18K gold and 10 fountain pens and 10 roller balls in solid 18K gold with precious stones will be available for enthusiasts of both the screen legend and Montegrappa. [from the press release]

“Engineered with smooth-glide technology for velvety-smooth lettering action — so that when it’s pushed… writin’s as easy as breathin’.”

And since I’m sure you were wondering, it goes for between $4,000 and $5,000. (Though some of their other pens sell for $30 or $40 grand). BUT WAIT, IT GETS BETTER!

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WELL FEATHER MY MULLET. It seems fellow former shong sporters (shong = short in front, long in back) Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme may have joined the cast of The Expendables 2. I say “may” because this comes from a FirstShowing report announcing “JCVD and Chuck Norris Officially Confirmed to Join Expendables 2?” PRO TIP: If a headline has a question mark at the end, you can ignore any words like “official” and “confirmed” before it. In any case, while there’s been no press release or official announcement, Norris and Van Damme’s names did show up on the film’s official website at MillenniumFilms. Here’s the rundown:

The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal!

Wait, so last time, when they flew a seaplane to a tropical island and overthrew a strongman and his army with six dudes because Sylvester Stallone had a crush on his daughter, that wasn’t personal? Or maybe it was, and this is kind of like that Mitch Hedberg line. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.”

After Tool (Mickey Rourke), the heart and soul of the Expendables, is brutally murdered on a mission, his comrades swear to avenge him. They’re not the only ones who want blood. Tool’s beautiful young and wild daughter Fiona…

Young, beautiful, wild, and VOLUPTUOUS daughter, I hope. That would make their mission more personal, I feel.

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You see? This is the problem with novelty ideas in 2011.  THEY NEVER. F*CKING. DIE.  Those Charlie Sheen “WINNING” t-shirts went from cute to obnoxious before the ink was even dry and yet you STILL see people wearing them (at least in Vegas).  And like a Charlie Sheen Flaming Torpedoes of Truth Reunion Tour, The Expendables is back.  It’s scheduled for August 17th, 2012, and it sounds like Mickey Rourke won’t be returning.

The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal! [Wasn't it personal last time? -Ed.] After Tool (Mickey Rourke), the heart and soul of the Expendables, is brutally murdered on a mission, his comrades swear to avenge him. They’re not the only ones who want blood. Tool’s beautiful young and wild daughter Fiona embarks on her own revenge mission, complicating matters when she is captured and ransomed by a ruthless dictator plotting to destroy a resistance movement. Now Barney and the Expendables must risk everything to save her and humanity. [SlashFilm]

Tool is dead?! Call Toll Road and Han Seoul-Oh and the rest of the Silly Name Brigade! THIS SUMMER! SYLVESTER STALLONE BUILDS YOU A HOUSE ON THE STREET OF YOUR IDEALIZED CHILDHOOD!  YOU’LL BE ABLE TO LIVE THERE FOREVER, OFF THE FAT OF THE LAND, WITH BUTTER, AND RABBITS, AND NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK T-SHIRTS, AND SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIES!  IT WILL BE ALL THE THINGS YOU REMEMBER FONDLY, ONLY REAL! POGS! SLAP BRACELETS! PUBERTY! GRUNTING! IT’S ALL THERE, FOR YOUR NO-LONGER-EMBITTERED ENJOYMENT! (youthful innocence not included).

[poster via Firstshowing]

It was just two days ago that our own Danger Guerrero wrote his masterful and thorough breakdown of the opening scene of the Stallone axe-murdering-biker-gang classic Cobra, and today, it’s back in the news.  In a stroke of natural synergy, it was reported that Stallone will finally get back his car from the film after it was stolen out of his garage 17 years ago.  But does he still own this outfit?  Oh God, I hope so.

We broke the story — in 2009, Sly learned his custom built 1950 Mercury was about to be auctioned off by a company that provides “on-camera vehicles” for movies.
Sly never directly accused the company of stealing his ride … he just wanted the damn thing back — so he filed a lawsuit to regain possession.
Now, TMZ has learned, Stallone and the company reached a settlement … under which Sly will regain ownership of the whip … estimated to be worth more than $250,000. [TMZ]

The big question is, does it still have the original license plate?

Because for me that one of the best parts of the movie.  The part where this strong, silent badass who speaks softly but carries a big pair of sunglasses owns a classic car with super-gay vanity plates.  And that this fit so perfectly with Sylvester Stallone’s idea of cool that they made sure to include a close-up of the license plate, as if to say, “Do you see how awesome he is?  He’s so awesome, he owns a car with a license plate that says AWSOM!”

The existential buffoon strikes again!  I believe it was Kurt Vonnegut who said, “you are who your vanity plate pretends to be.”  Something like that.  Anyway, if Stallone doesn’t own at least one car with plates that say “KEEP PNCHN“, I would be very disappointed.