Every Expendables movie has that sweet spot where it’s awesome and not sad and lame, which usually happens a few weeks or months before the cameras roll. If they could just take the movie out of these movies, they’d be set. An idea this fun could only be ruined when you try to execute it. We’ve just entered that stage with Expendables 3, as word has it that Wesley Snipes has joined the cast. Fresh out of prison for tax evasion, Snipes is exactly the kind of person the Expendables would recruit in real life, if only he had a knack for wisecracks and his conviction was a government frame job as retribution for knowing too much.

TwitchFilm and Moviehole both reported the Snipes story, which was apparently based on a Tweet from Sly himself. He’s since deleted the tweet, and no one knows yet what to conclude from that. You never know with Sly, the mix of HGH and those tiny iPhone buttons is a recipe for disaster. One tweet he did leave up, meanwhile, was the one about getting Mel Gibson to direct. …Oh please oh please oh please…

No , I was kiddiing about , but seriously , what about Mel Gibson directing EXPENDABLES 3?Opinions anyone ?Curious…..

— Sylvester Stallone (@TheSlyStallone) April 11, 2013

Mel is a MAGNIFICENT director! Pure passion on every level . we’d be blessed to have him.. A REAL long shot, but LIFE is a long shot -right?

— Sylvester Stallone (@TheSlyStallone) April 15, 2013

No one uses caps lock to punctuate his revelations like Sly Stallone. In any case, at this point, I’m not too interested in Sly’s fantasy camp for aging action stars, but if he gets Mel Gibson to direct Wesley Snipes in it and we get a Some Kind of Monster-style documentary about the making of, I’d pay $100 for a ticket. The combination of The Expendables’ silly name conventions and Wesley Snipes’ penchant for staying in character alone would priceless. I imagine Mel Gibson screaming racial slurs at everyone on set while Snipes refuses to come out of his trailer and communicates only by post-it notes signed “Felt Penn.”

After the jump, we have the new trailer for WB’s Bullet to the Head, which, as you might have guessed by the title, isn’t about a dyslexic holocaust orphan who learns that life is beautiful when she discovers the cello. Instead it’s a Sylvester Stallone vehicle, and part of a growing pile of evidence that after the Expendables, all of Sly’s movies have basically become The Expendables – winking throwbacks to cheesy eighties action films. One last job, a fractured bromance, silly names – you know the drill.

Bullet to the Head: Sly plays an aging hitman who postpones retirement for ONE LAST JOB, because when they MURDER HIS PARTER and KIDNAP HIS DAUGHTER, this time it’s personal. Co-stars include: Jason Momoa, aka the new Conan, Christian Slater. Trailer soundtrack: “Hot Blooded,” by Foreigner. Sly’s character’s name: “Jimmy Bobo.”

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They wouldn’t let Vince or myself see The Expendables 2: Fully Expendable’d because we’re not big-time L.A. or N.Y.C. critics. We’re little-time Seattle and San Francisco critics, so we can only imagine what the film is like, but we talked about it this morning and came to the realization that it’s likely just another Alice in Wonderland rip-off. There are no more original stories, there is ONLY Tim Burton, wearing a beret, directing the living piss out of another American classic. That guy is amazing.

Anyway, this morning our “source” came through again with exclusive notes on another ‘quel meeting – and once we ascertained he didn’t want any money we figured we’d dutifully pass them along.

Note: they are a little blurry because this guy is using a Russian (Lomo LC-A) camera. He’s gangster like that. I think you can click to enlarge if you’re an IT supervisor.

Enjoy!

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James Franco is set to play a meth dealer opposite Jason Statham in Homefront, written by Sylvester Stallone. That’s right, Franco. Statham. Stallone. Together. CAN DA STAFE SURVIVE A DICKNOSING AND KEEP PUNCHING?! Add Baby Goose and C-Tates to this movie, and it would combine every object of FilmDrunk’s unhealthy fixations.

James Franco is set to join Jason Statham in Millennium Films’ action-thriller “Homefront,” which Gary Fleder will direct from a script by Sylvester Stallone.
Story follows Phil Broker (Statham), an ex-DEA agent who moves his family to a quiet town hoping to escape his past. However, he finds the town to be overrun with violence, drug traffickers and an evil meth magnate named Gator (Franco). To save his endangered family, retribution is now the only thing Broker seeks. [Variety]

RETRIBUTION IS THE ONLY THING BROKER SEEKS IN ORDER TO SAVE HIS FAMILY, WHO HE ALSO SEEKS, OKAY SO I GUESS IT’S ACTUALLY TWO THINGS THAT HE IS SEEKING! Hey, that should be the tagline. A little long, perhaps.

We go now to The Stath, for his exclusive comment:

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"Bitch Burger?"

As part of their ongoing campaign to win the nation’s hearts and minds, Westboro Baptist are planning to picket Sage Stallone‘s funeral. This according to the “church” (seriously, it’s like one family) members themselves on Twitter, who’ve taken to retweeting every tweet about Stallone’s death and adding #picketfuneral. Because somehow, everything bad that happens to anyone is punishment for society’s tolerance of gay people. It’s in the bible, right after the part about not coveting thy neighbor’s truck nutz.

“Thrice-married rebel taught his son to mock God. ‪#picketfuneral‬ MT@digitalspy: Sylvester Stallone’s son Sage Stallone found dead, aged 36,” Margie Phelps wrote on Twitter.

“Adulterous dad brought wrath of God on son. ‪#BloodOnDadsHands‬‪#picketfuneral‬ ‪#woe‬ MT @GlobalGrind: Sylvester Stallone son, Sage, dead at 36.”

On Twitter, she told Sage’s father, Sylvester Stallone, to mourn for his son’s sins. “Chance to redeem yourself with God. Tell @TheSlyStallone to mourn for his sins, not pimp out son’s dead body to more proud sin!” [ChristianPost via Fark]

You have to give them this, for a people with a caveman-level understanding of the universe, they sure are quick to utilize social media. Anyway, if you follow Sly Stallone on Twitter, you know that part of him really does seem to believe he’s that action hero he always plays in movies. And if ever there was a real-life first act to a revenge movie, a group of a-holes picketing your son’s funeral would be it. I’m picturing a weapons montage that ends with Rambo tightening his headband. Do it, Sly, no court in the land would convict.

And if the FBI is reading this, by “it” I mean of course serve them coffee and Danish. (*strains eyelid from winking*)