The gap between actual Chuck Norris and the fake Chuck Norris of the internet has always been a pretty wide one, and almost every news story about him is the equivalent of seeing a honey badger in real life and it turns out to be a koala wearing panties. Case in point, yesterday, a news story went around about a quote from a Polish newspaper’s interview of Norris, which basically implied that Expendables 2 was going to be PG-13 because Norris demanded it (the first one was rated R, and they kind of made a big deal about it). Here’s the translated quote:

“In Expendables 2, there was a lot of vulgar dialogue in the screenplay. For this reason, many young people wouldn’t be able to watch this. But I don’t play in movies like this. Due to that I said I won’t be a part of that if the hardcore language is not erased. Producers accepted my conditions and the movie will be classified in the category of PG-13.” [Kazeta]

Yes, that would be a shame, today’s 8-year-olds not being able to see their heroes, uh… Dolph Lundgren and Jean-Claude Van Damme. Late yesterday, Stallone confirmed via his BFF Harry Knowles:

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I cover the film industry for a living, and as absurd as it is, it still doesn’t hold a candle to theater, where writing songs about a movie and hiring a washed-up sitcom star to play the lead are considered innovation. Case in point: Sylvester Stallone is teaming up with Wladimir and Vitali Klitschko, the two most boring heavyweight champions of all time, to produce a stage musical based on Rocky. Boxing and showtunes: two great tastes that taste great together. More than anything in the world, I want it to be true that Sly signed the contract with his fancy skull pen.

Stallone and the Klitschkos, who will produce Rocky: The Musical together with Kevin King Templeton of Stallone’s Rouge Marble shingle, announced the project in Hamburg on Monday.

“They kept jabbing me and jabbing me about it, and eventually I just got so bored that I agreed to everything they wanted.”

Stallone said in giving the pugilist classic the Andrew Lloyd Webber treatment he would be focusing on Rocky’s romantic side.
“At the end of the day, Rocky is a love story and he could never have reached the final bell without Adrian,” said Stallone. “To see this story coming to life on a musical stage makes me proud. And it would make Rocky proud.”

“At the end of the day, saying ‘at the end of the day’ doesn’t make the statement it prefaces any less ridiculous. A fictional character I created taught me that.”

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Continuing its tradition of being theoretically awesome but a chore to actually sit through, The Expendables franchise added two more aging action legends to the cast of its sequel back in September, and now the first pictures of Norris and JCVD have hit the web (via ComingSoon). Continuing the tradition of silly names, according to IMDB, Norris is playing “Booker,” while Van Damme will portray “Jean Vilain.”  Just going out on a limb here, but I’m guessing the latter is a bad guy. In either case, I’m sure their characters will be introduced only in the most organic, necessary-to-the-plot manner. (Sidenote: It must be awesome for Chuck Norris that he has all those Chuck Norris Facts to distract people from what a whack job he actually is.)

I also enjoy that they managed to get a Belgian in a black turtle neck and a Hollywood producer in tinted shades and a ridiculously unnecessary scarf. All that’s missing is an Italian guy in a speedo flipping pizza dough and a Mexican pulling a donkey. Come to think of it, Danny Trejo should really be in this. Playing “Juan Tofessobee” or something.
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(*mops brow, attempts to compose self*)

Okay, okay, Madonn’, enough horseplay. Let me tell you’s about this here fancy dragon pen.

Drawing inspiration for the theme and design of his signature pen from his wildly-successful film, The Expendables, Mr. Stallone turned to classical art and worked with Montegrappa’s artisans to create the “Chaos” pen. The pen design was cultivated by the works of 16th century artists including Battista Franco, Albrecht Durer, Hans Sebald Beham and Antonio Pollaiolo to create Mr. Stallone’s idea of Chaos; a sense of the Renaissance, when things were more simplified and perhaps more noble, placed against our current technological society.
The “Chaos” pen is the first from the “Cult” collection and is available as a limited edition of 1,000 fountain pens and 912 roller balls in sterling silver, which represents Montegrappa’s 1912 date of establishment. Additionally, 100 fountain pens and 100 roller balls in solid 18K gold and 10 fountain pens and 10 roller balls in solid 18K gold with precious stones will be available for enthusiasts of both the screen legend and Montegrappa. [from the press release]

“Engineered with smooth-glide technology for velvety-smooth lettering action — so that when it’s pushed… writin’s as easy as breathin’.”

And since I’m sure you were wondering, it goes for between $4,000 and $5,000. (Though some of their other pens sell for $30 or $40 grand). BUT WAIT, IT GETS BETTER!

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WELL FEATHER MY MULLET. It seems fellow former shong sporters (shong = short in front, long in back) Chuck Norris and Jean Claude Van Damme may have joined the cast of The Expendables 2. I say “may” because this comes from a FirstShowing report announcing “JCVD and Chuck Norris Officially Confirmed to Join Expendables 2?” PRO TIP: If a headline has a question mark at the end, you can ignore any words like “official” and “confirmed” before it. In any case, while there’s been no press release or official announcement, Norris and Van Damme’s names did show up on the film’s official website at MillenniumFilms. Here’s the rundown:

The Expendables are back and this time it’s personal!

Wait, so last time, when they flew a seaplane to a tropical island and overthrew a strongman and his army with six dudes because Sylvester Stallone had a crush on his daughter, that wasn’t personal? Or maybe it was, and this is kind of like that Mitch Hedberg line. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to too.”

After Tool (Mickey Rourke), the heart and soul of the Expendables, is brutally murdered on a mission, his comrades swear to avenge him. They’re not the only ones who want blood. Tool’s beautiful young and wild daughter Fiona…

Young, beautiful, wild, and VOLUPTUOUS daughter, I hope. That would make their mission more personal, I feel.

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