That poor kid on the left just happened to be walking by.

Since I don’t watch American Idol or keep track of the 15 shows on network TV dedicated to karaoke, I knew One Direction mainly as that group of hair-farming milk babies from a Drew Brees commercial. Well if they look like a parody of boy bands from 10 years ago, that’s because they were assembled by Simon Cowell, during the original UK version of X-Factor a few years back. And now, following in the illustrious footsteps of Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber, and Katy Perry, they’ll be getting the 3D concert movie treatment, courtesy of Sony/Tristar and Morgan Spurlock.

Wait, what? The Morgan Spurlock from Supersize Me? The Morgan Spurlock who just last year directed a documentary about out-of-control product placement? I don’t like to make a habit of calling guys sellouts, but this definitely seems like something that rhymes with schmelling schmout. From the press release:

Sony Pictures announced today that it’s making a 3D film showcasing London-based global music sensation One Direction. Acclaimed documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock (Super Size Me) will direct the film, which TriStar Pictures will release on August 30, 2013 (Labor Day weekend).

“This is an incredible opportunity and an amazing moment in time for the band,” said director/producer Spurlock.  “To capture this journey and share it with audiences around the world will be an epic undertaking that I am proud to be a part of.”

Simon Cowell noted: “I’m delighted we’re making this film and Morgan is the perfect person to give that access-all-areas, behind-the-scenes look into what it’s like to be One Direction today. What the band have achieved is incredible, they and their fans have made history around the world – this is for them.”

Jesus, get it together, Spurlock. The only way to redeem this project would be to get one of these booger-babies addicted to heroin or framed for a murder.

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American Idol judge Simon Cowell, aka Bitchtits McFlattop, is producing One Chance, a movie about Paul Potts that recently got the greenlight at Paramount.  Potts was born in 1970, five years before Pol Pot came to power in Cambodia and killed 26% of the population.  So, for the record, don’t blame his parents for being ignorant, they’re just dorky and uncreative.

An amateur opera singer and mobile-phone salesman, Potts was riddled by a streak of bad luck when, on a lark, he auditioned for "[Britain's Got] Talent" in 2007. His on-air performances ended up bowling over audiences and judges, including Cowell. He went on to win the show and become a media and YouTube sensation, eventually going on a global music tour and releasing an album. [THR]

His success so set the world aflame, in fact, that I just heard of him five minutes ago. Screenwriter Justin Zackham, who previously wrote The Bucket List will be handling the screenplay, and if he plays his cards right, this could big.  Like, From Justin to Kelly big.  From Kelly to Pol Pot, they could all it.  Because when your entire family’s been killed by the agrarian policies of a maniacal dictator, all it takes is a song.   

Famous gynecomastia sufferer Simon Cowell is currently in the process of developing a musical biopic with Paramount Pictures.  Who will it be about, you might wonder – Mick Jagger? Nikki Sixx?  4 Non Blondes?

The man the world loves to hate is to produce a film about opera singer Paul Potts [Editor's Note – what kind of idiots name their kid "Paul" when they know his last name's going to be "Potts"?], a mobile phone salesman who won the UK show Britain’s Got Talent in 2007 and went onto [sic] sell three million copies of his debut album One Chance. [IGN]

What a brilliant idea!  If it makes even half the money From Justin to Kelly made, the producers will be almost negative $4 million dollars richer (seriously though, From Justin to Kelly‘s production budget was $12 million and it grossed less than $5 million worldwide).  And that doesn’t even take into account what a looker this guy is.  

I know American Idol is popular and all, but let’s be honest, everyone who watches it has Down Syndrome.