For all those people who doubted me when I said Sienna Miller’s sunglasses were photoshopped on in the international G.I. Joe Poster, here’s the new poster as evidence.  Amazing how they were able to change the glasses and still get her to stand in that same exact position, isn’t it?  And don’t act like we all haven’t already seen Sienna Miller’s boobs.  They ain’t that big. (not that I wouldn’t still touch them if she wandered too close)

In related news, Variety debunks the rumor that director Stephen Sommers was fired halfway through shooting.  That doesn’t mean the movie won’t still be really crappy, because it will.  I love how the first defense of any of these turds is, “It wasn’t a bad movie, it was just meant for kids!”  Which sounds great until you look at the poster for the same film and it has Carmen Electra deepthroating a cucumber.

[high-res version available at SuperHeroHype]

The French trailer for Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe has hit the web, and it’s pure adrenaline.  And did you know?  Adrenaline is made up of two parts CGI with three parts expository dialog. Hiring the Van Helsing director was a great idea. Here’s an actual transcript I made of the trailer:

“I want the warheads ready to launch in one hour.  When I’m finished, this world will never forget.”

“The French are pretty upset.”
“Of course they’re upset!”

“We have never faced a threat like this.  A team is being assembled.  They are the best operatives in the world.  When all else fails… we don’t.”
“I want in.”

“Standing in front of you, are Delta 6 Accelerator Suits.”
“What’s it accelerate?”
“YOU.”

“This is General Hawk.  Mission is a go.”
“Here they come.”
“GO! GO! GO!”
“We’re running out of time!  Eject!”
“This is only just begun.” [sic]

This. Is. Going. To be. Awesome. They clearly ripped a page out of the George Lucas Star-Wars-Episode-I manual of dialogue writing.  It makes things really exciting, because even if you have to look for something under your seat during the movie, you’ll still know what’s going on because the characters shout about whatever they’re doing at any given time.I’m typing as fast as I can! Look out, everyone! (*explosion*)

One of the cool things about Sienna Miller is that she occasionally takes time out of her schedule of being a giant whore to act in movies.  After the jump, you can see her in the trailer for Mysteries of Pittsburgh, the movie she was making when she referred to the city as “Sh-ttsburgh.”  She later apologized, saying Pittsburgh was actually super cool, and not nearly as bad as Sh-tcinnati or Sh-tcago.  Or pretty much the entire state of Sh-tconsin.  Oh yeah, so the movie is an adaptation of a Michael Chabon book or something.  He also wrote Wonder Boys. That was a good book. Yiddish Policemen’s Union sucked though.  Hey look, a pigeon.

It sort of sucks for any actress who replaces Sienna Miller opposite Russell Crowe in Nottingham, since so far the official line on why she got fired is “too thin and pretty”.  Then again, skanks try to use that as an explanation for everything, even if they got kicked off a reality show for taking a dump in the hot tub.  “What, you saw it, those fat bitches were jealous of me.”  Anyway, today in one of their Pulitzer-caliber exposés, The Telegraph reports that Miller’s replacement MAY be Cate Blanchett.

Cate Blanchett looks more and more of a certainty for the role of Maid Marian in Sir Ridley Scott’s forthcoming film Nottingham after Sienna Miller was apparently deemed too slim and youthful for the part. “I think Cate Blanchett is set to take the Maid Marian part,” says Mark Strong, who has already been signed up to play Sir Guy of Gisbourne. “She is a wonderful actress and it would make it a much classier film if she was in it.”

Mmm, classy.  It’s true, Cate Blanchett does have that effect on movies.  She’s not like that other braindead prostitute, no offense to anyone in particular.  Basically, Cate Blanchett is to films what faux wood paneling and Corinthian leather toilet seats are to my apartment.  Call me, ladies.

This new set of G.I. Joe posters features Duke, Ripcord, Baronness, Scarlett, and Snake Eyes, played by Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Sienna Miller, Ray Park, and Rachel Nichols, respectively.  Now, I know what you’re thinking, “Why are they dressed like they’re going Xtreme Motorcrossing?”  To that I say: it’s a G.I. Joe movie from the guy who did Van Helsing.  I’d be surprised if there wasn’t Xtreme Motorcross.

[via AICN]

This whole story sounds phoney and the source is the NY Post, but like ma always taught me, that’s no reason not to use it as an excuse to ridicule people.  The rumor is that Sienna “Oops here’s my tits” Miller has been forced out of Ridley Scott’s Nottingham because she’s too pretty to stand next to lardass Russell Crowe.

An insider said, “It is a mess. Russell never lost the weight he put on for ‘Body of Evidence’ – and so the love scenes between him and Sienna would have been laughable. He’s so old and fat and she’s so young and gorgeous. It’s just . . . gross.”

Wait, a Hollywood movie starring a hot chick opposite a lumpy schlub?  Gasp! We can’t have that!  That’s never been done!

Word in Hollywood is that producers are “looking for an older, plumper actress to play the role so [Crowe] doesn’t look like a paunchy grandpa. Someone in her late 30s or early 40s.”

The Oscar-winner has demanded serious script rewrites. “Originally the movie was about a love triangle between Maid Marian, Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham,” our tipster said. “It is now all about Russell’s Robin Hood. Literally, 40 pages of script were redone and now are just devoted to him and his massive ego. It’s amazing.”

Despite studio denials, we hear Crowe is trying to get director Ridley Scott fired. Calls were made to several prominent directors over the holidays to find a replacement. “All of this was done behind Ridley’s back,” the insider said. “He has no idea.” [Post]

Hmm, Russell Crowe is trying to get Ridley Scott fired?  Would that be the same Ridley Scott that directed him in Gladiator, Body of Lies, American Gangster, and A Good Year?  And since Crowe was supposed to play the Sheriff and Robin Hood, re-writing the script to focus on Robin wouldn’t really give him more camera time, now would it?  Poor post.  I know how long a good photoshop job and hilarious headline pun takes, so I can understand why they would just make stuff up.  Plus, Russell Crowe is kind of fat, so screw him.  He doesn’t have the body to pull off a svelte medieval Englishman like say, Henry VIII.  I mean, you shoulda seen the washboard abs on that f-cker.  Damn, son.

Nottingham, Ridley Scott’s "Gladiator of Robin Hood flicks", starring Russell Crowe as a sympathetic Sheriff of Nottingham and Sienna Miller as Maid Marian, has been delayed indefinitely.

The film was supposed to start shooting in mid-August. But producers put Nottingham on hold due to all sorts of logitical issues, ranging from the typically cruddy British weather to concerns with the script to fears over a potential actor’s strike.

"Universal could have moved forward with one of these challenges but the confluence of the three caused the studio to reconsider and take the time for all conditions to be optimal," is how the studio spins it in a statement Monday. [Eonline]

Meanwhile, Chud claims, in a bad soap opera twist, that Robin Hood will actually be played by SPOILER ALERT, Russell Crowe, the same guy playing the Sheriff, and that’s part of what’s causing the delays.  I don’t see how it’s a spoiler when presumably we’ll know this by the time the trailer comes out, but whatever.  Hey, anyone else really fucking annoyed by the omg multiple characters are actually different facets of the same person plot device yet?  Oh my God, five different actors play Bob Dylan!  That’s so, like, deep, man!  Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham are competing forces within the same person!  Just like in Revolver!  Wow, Hollywood, did you just read the Cliff’s Notes of a book about Freud?  That’s so brainy!  Please explain life to me, and be as pedantic as possible!

I liked it better in the Disney version when Robin Hood was a fox.  Because he’s fucking sly, get it?

I’ve known for a long time that Sienna Miller is at least an honorary member of the IBTC (Itty Bitty Titty Committee), but it’s something I’ve been willing to overlook on account of her getting naked all the time.  Not so for G.I. Joe director Stephen Sommers, who made her use prosthetics in order to look more like those pictures I made in Photoshop.

Miller admits she was left slightly stunned when Sommers told her that her small chest had to be given an extra boost so she would look more curvaceous on screen.

"They gave me these things that looked like chicken fillets. The director said, ‘I’m gonna be honest, I like girls with big boobs,’ and I don’t have them so we made them bigger." [SFGate]

Damn, he got her to wear a raw chicken bra and all he had to do was ask?  I’ve spent months begging, pleading, bribing my girl, with nothing to show for it.  No cow blood enema, no giblet shower, no armadildo… God, high school chicks can be so immature.

These two new posters for the G.I. Joe movie come from the Cinema Expo in Amsterdam. They feature Ray Park as Snake Eyes (another faceless role for the master) and Sienna Miller as Baronness (I barely recognize her – maybe it’s because she has clothes on).  The posters employ the same style as the earlier one of Duke, in which everything is black and white except for a small red patch that confusingly draws attention to a confusing aspect of their weaponry.  Though I guess I can see why Snake Eyes’ samurai sword would need a serrated edge.  Just in case you slay the dragon and want to celebrate by slicing up some tasty sourdough.   

I’ve been a big fan of Sienna Miller ever since she called Pittsburgh "Shitsburgh".  Nothing against the city, I just think hybrid words are fantasgreat.  Anyway, she recently told the BBC that she has been cast as Maid Marian in Ridley Scott’s upcoming Nottingham, a twist on Robin Hood in which the Sheriff of Nottingham is a sympathetic figure.  Brian Helgeland, who won an oscar for co-writing L.A. Confidential, is writing the script.  Russell Crowe is set to play the sheriff.

Speaking to the BBC’s Colin Paterson, Miller said: "It’s happening. I just found out. It’s the most exciting news in the world." [BBC]

I don’t know about that.  Call me old-fashioned, but I thought picures of Sienna Miller’s vagina on the internet was pretty exciting news.  And while we’re on that, what the hell’s this guy’s problem? I don’t know what you’re trying to prove by averting your eyes from the full frontal going on right in front of you, pal, but it’s not working.  I wouldn’t even have taken my binoculars off. 

In other hard-hitting BBC News, Chinese South Africans are now black.